The Weather Is Miserable, and So Am I.
How is it that I can give advice to uplift people and be so overwhelmed by my own emotions? That’s the situation I put myself in every day, and I seem to lose no matter what I do.
I am not pleading for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is an attempt for me to understand why people abandon me, and how I can’t do the same to them, and how I always look for friendship and love in the wrong places. This really could be something that is written in a diary, but if it helps someone else, then posting this publicly was worthwhile. Take what you will from this. If I don’t mention something, then I don’t feel it. There is no deep meaning to beyond what I have already expressed, so take what I say with great importance and don’t assume that issues are further complex than I already make them out to be.
I can hardly think for myself. I can hardly think about myself. My heart is going to explode under the constant strain I put it through. I feel physical and emotional pain – more physical pain than I can handle all from within my chest. I feel like at any moment, things will get even worse. It’s amazing because it would take just a few selfless actions for people to change all of that. The people I have invested the most time in lately have abandoned me effective today. I am completely void of receiving any caring from anyone at this time. No one gives a shit. Do you understand that, people? At this very moment, there is not a person on Earth thinking about my safety, well-being, emotions, state of mind, and most importantly, my heart. Not a one. My mom doesn’t give a shit. You don’t, because you’ll read this and just think I’m being emo (tional), and think that I act this way a lot…
Oh shit. I do.
Why is that? You must think because I perhaps (a) enjoy drama; (b) enjoy involving other people in my sorrow; (c) exaggerate problems; or (d) think I am better than you. Sadly, all of these conclusions are tragically inaccurate. It’s this way of thinking that causes people to not care for me. I just want one person to do that. Can’t anyone? I’m being selfish here – everyone deserves to feel selfish once in a while, don’t they? We need someone to look out for us once in a while, and right now – no one wants to take that opportunity. No one wants to give me a lame “It’ll be okay.” No one wants to give me a better explanation as to why this is happening. No one wants to even read this. What’s worse is the people that aren’t here for me will know that I am talking about them, and they will take this personally. They will think I am insulting them, degrading my opinion of them, or attempting to make them feel pity.
You know, those are mostly false.
I am not insulting anyone. Just because you are not here for me means you are human – you cannot make the time for another human being because you are too occupied by things that are more important to you. Furthermore, my opinion overall of the human population is declining steadily with each day I live. I try harder and harder to be friendly and caring. I always listen to what everyone has to say. I become immediately interested in what any of my friends have to share with me. Never once will you hear me say, “Let’s talk about something else. Your topic is boring me.” People love saying that to me, though. I just want someone to appreciate what I have to say. I want them to for once make a change in how they do things, and do something selfless, truly selfless. I don’t want you to do it because you feel obligated to. I want you to do it because, in your heart, you know it’s the right thing, right now. Right now – that’s all that matters. You don’t have the future; you never will. Do you know why? Because we always live in the present. We need to worry most about what is going on in our lives right now… and if we care for someone else, hopefully they care for us as well, then we need to show it. We don’t need to say it. We can’t just act it. We need to be it. We need to know that we are. We can’t say, “I care about you” and then have that change a day from now, or an hour from now, when you are busy enveloping yourself in happiness. It should be hibernating, ready to awake at the right opportunity to assist someone else.
We all want someone else to care about us, right? I just wish someone really did care as much as I did. That will be the day that I can stop feeling this way.