The ticking grows louder and louder with each passing minute that I’m sitting at home, a sitting duck, waiting for the call that will change my life in a good way, or make me continue living the same rut that I’ve been in for many months now. I’m getting sick of the waiting. On Friday, hopefully before noon, the wait will be over. But until then, it’s driving me crazy. Will I get the job? I hope I do. I so desperately need it. My mom needs it. We need it. We need the money… I’d like to have extra spending money, as well. It’s really just one of those things that ruins everything else. Makes a good day turn bad… not knowing the outcome.
I don’t understand why I grow so impatient. I’m supposed to be optimistic, but I find that sometimes, my optimism brings more confusion than if I’m simply neutral about the issue at hand… The issue at hand is what everything revolves around in today’s society–money. It’s very painful to avoid the topic wherever I go, whatever I do; I can never stop thinking about money. I feel greedy– I want to hold a nice, thick stack of 100-dollar bills. Not just one, but ten of them, from my last paycheck. I want to feel the power that I haven’t had for so long. I want to be bringing home the bacon, and not just scrounging around for some in our fridge. I want to actually be a man.
I want to be useful, productive, strong. I want to be everything, at times, that it seems impossible for me to reach. It’s just one of those things that makes the pressure seem so immense that I’m not moving anywhere, like being trapped in a pathetic bubble of gum, unable to move anywhere. I may stretch the bubble out, but it won’t pop–not for me, not yet. Not till Friday at noon…
