edward fox's reality

The first line was a mistake with a broken link. It had nothing to do with the post… Oops. Numerous typos were also just fixed…

  Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Reality.

There’s a track that I’ve uploaded to describe my mood during this post.
Blog’s Track: Secret Garden – Sleepsong
At the end of the post, I’ll mention why I chose this song.

Here’s tonight’s topic. I thought I’d save me some time and .000001% of my grief that I’m feeling right now and trying not to add to it:

Intelligence Boi: my sad music CD doesn’t help me either
Intelligence Boi: =/
Intelligence Boi: i just feel all alone
Intelligence Boi: I hate that feeling
Intelligence Boi: I HATE IT
Intelligence Boi: I totally depend on others
Intelligence Boi: GOD
Intelligence Boi: >_<
Intelligence Boi: and here I was
Intelligence Boi: thinking I was independent
Intelligence Boi: independent, what a fucking joke.

But first, a word from my sponsor, the brain.

My mind is so unclear right now… I’m the one who should have his screen name. From the beginning, I was so confused… I thought he wouldn’t like me enough, wouldn’t love me enough. I realized that he did, and our love continued to grow, and grow… That burst one day, the big bubble of happiness… but the bubble of love, I have hurt that… I poked it with a pin, but I hope it won’t pop. Sounds like a dumb analogy… but at least I know I am really thinking for once.

I keep running that night through my head. What was wrong with me? I deserve what was coming to me… He never did. EVER.

I’m going to stop being so emotional now. Before I do, that, though, I really would like to express genuinely raw emotions without fancying them up. Fancying? Oh well… Here we go.

I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. Not really, but I wish that if I hurt myself that his pain would dissipate… that this event would be forgotten. I don’t want it to be completely forgotten, because I want to change so much, but it’s just so hard because I am so easily manipulated… Admitting to something is the first step towards healing, or so psychologists say. Here are a few things I have discovered… as if you didn’t already know, but I need to mention them anyway:

• Sensitivity: I’m way too effing sensitive to situations, what people say, and what I’m doing.
• Fun: I never seem to want to have fun. What’s up with that? LOSER.
• Bullshit: Out of my mouth, everything but the truth comes out… I’m just so afraid to let myself hurt… Goodness.
• Relaxing: I can’t just chill out at all. Something’s always bothering me… but now I deserve it more than ever.

I honestly don’t know what happened Tuesday. It feels like it happened so long ago and that I’ve been hurting him forever. I hate this so much… I just want to talk to him… I know everything is not okay… but I just wish that our past would be weighted more evenly… It took so much to build up our trust, love, and affection… and I tore it all down. I just can’t stop running it through my head… but I know that the situation won’t improve at all if I do that…

I want _you_ to know that I never intended for this to happen, Jose… My mind wasn’t connected to my conscience and in touch with my emotions at all. I just thought that saying all that would release you as a boyfriend from me… until then, I felt we were still dating… even though it had ended. My heart felt otherwise. I just wanted something to help me detach from that because I was in a false state of happiness with someone else… and I know it was wrong, but I felt there was nothing else that I could do…

You totally understood me. Everything you said about me was true. LOOK WHAT I DID TO YOU. I have a complete lack of love for people… I hurt the best person in the world and I mean that with everything that I am… If I could erase what happened, I would… if I could apologize for all the things I did wrong to you, and have them change how you felt and how you do feel, I would do that in a split of a second. I just don’t know what to do…

I know you need your space… I know… You always needed space, breathing room… I never took the time to understood you…

All those things I said about you were only about me. That’s why I was so confused. I was the one who did everything wrong… I know I made you happy, but I know I messed up… and I really need to start thinking… as in, thinking, and thinking about what I’m doing, but at the same time not thinking too deeply into it… That would have prevented all of this. ALL OF IT… I would love nothing more, but now I simply have to hope for the best in the future.

Maybe it seems like I’m obsessed… but I’m just very attached to you, emotionally, Jose… There are three things driving the way I am acting:

1. I want you to stop hurting. I don’t want you to feel pain, and I want you to know that I care… more than anyone ever will, despite my words… I hope my actions will show you [and have shown you] that this is true.
2. I want to give you space. I know you need to take a break from me, but I just don’t want you to simply let go of me… I would not be able to handle that. Ever.
3. I am finally ready to improve. I am done with doing things for other people… Look what happened when I let others drive me mad, when I let someone else act as if they were good for me. I need to work on myself. I know that you need space, but I hope that we will be able to talk so that you can see that I really am trying to improve… and it’s not for you… after what happened, it really is for me. It’s time for me to step up and get things done.

I need to stop trying to base my life on everyone else and what they are doing. I simply need to live my own life. However, Jose will never be out of my life, and that’s one promise I will keep, among others.

Jose, if you think I’m oblivious to my actions, please reconsider. I am aware of my thoughts now and my actions. My mind is finally open for learning and adaptation to reality and the world. You were the greatest example I ever had. I don’t want to lose that, Jose. I cannot lose you… I know that I need to be independent, because that would please you and it would please me… I know that’s what you wanted during our relationship–for me to grow and be myself and explore myself. YOU HELPED ME THROUGH IT ALL… and it hurts that I cannot help you now.

I need to relax… You are a strong guy… you will get through this, just like I will… I just hope that we will be friends again… or at least, that we can talk. Nothing would make me happier in life….

I had doubts about posting this blog… because I know you needed your space… It’s just so hard because I feel as if you are having to fend for yourself… I hope you aren’t. so much… I will be calmer in good time… I do need medicine, let’s face it… Let me just face reality. I NEED TO RELEASE MYSELF….

———————-
Earthsongs – Always There

When I’m less than I should be
And I just can’t face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can’t find my way
When my eyes don’t clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you raise me when I fall

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

When life brings me to my knees
When my back’s against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall
Though a burden I may be
You don’t weary, you don’t rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I’m heaven-blessed

———————-

Now that’s it’s the end…

Why did I choose that track? It’s so emo. It reminds me of how I really felt about him, and how all my thoughts of Jose were happy, always happy. It was just so perfect… I will not release him, ever, ever, for as long as I live, because I need him… I just hope he needs me…

“May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm” — Sleepsong

Failed… With time, all will mend, but my brain just works overtime in running through everything… most importantly, all the happy memories we shared… We cannot get rid of that… All of those were real. All of our emotions were genuine… NOTHING WAS WRONG! You were so perfect…

God, I must cry now….

Fuck me. I suck. I deserve to die, because it just hurts that much, so fucking much, that I could rip his heart apart without thinking. WHY DO I FUCK UP LIKE THIS? I SUCK!!!! I need to work on myself so fucking much, MY GOD. Everything he said was right… but I don’t feel like I am the worst person in the world… I am trying… and sometimes, I just try too hard…

P.S. I hope the Monster wasn’t too warm. :’(

P.P.S. I know I need to stop being emo, seriously… and I know that was one my biggest problems… that’s always caused conflict, so I’ll cut that…

P.P.P.S. I need to focus on myself more, hence my blog title… I want independence, but I will never want to let go of Jose… that is NEVER what I meant, Jose…

P.P.P.P.S. I deserve this. You never did… I’m glad I feel like shit, dirt. That’s what I am… I just hope that this will help me change so that this will never happen again. Your heart is so beautiful…

I just long for some form of contact with you… I know you need to breathe… and I will always trust you… Your mind knows what is best for me…

Until tomorrow……………………………………

I want to contact you somehow, so badly…