edward fox’s reality

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language.

[Random Thought: When are they coming out with a “Chicken Soup for the Profane Soul”? That would be killer in sales, I think. Moving on…]

If you want to know what actually happened to 183 and don’t care to read my humorous introduction, find the “Start Editorial” mark.

Check out these numbers (in no particular order):

• 86
• 183
• 114
• 482
• 1382
• 12
• 30
• 75
• 356
• 35
• 348
• 354
• 635
• 33
• 289

What am I talking about? The latest combos at McDonald’s? The number of tracks I have from each of my favorite artists? None of the above. I was on every one of these highways today, and it was hell–even more than usual, but there’s an explanation for that. Half of them have alternate names.

Highways are hell, regardless of when over-sized and wide loads run into them. Some of them change names multiple times… Some of them are confusing as hell. For example, E. Northwest Hwy. Well, good luck trying to figure out which direction that fucking thing runs. Belt Line Rd. Oh goodness, the ever-prevalent Belt Line Rd. This bitch runs in every possible direction, and with aliases at its most southern point! This thing is east, west, north (with a different name), south, north, south (yes, twice), and then a four-digit road, then west. What the hell? Then I saw, “482: Storey Ln.” I thought, well, I only know of Story Rd., here in Irving, but 482 sounds familiar… Why didn’t they just say “Spur 482″ like they do on the other side, coming from 183 or Loop 12? No, the name is changed, and for about 30 feet, there’s a road called Storey Ln., made just to disorient you. Some highways are just in rush hour mode from sunrise to sunset. I-35. Need I say more?

I could go on and on about how much longer it took me to drive to meet up with my friend Kathryn for lunch (she works at Firewheel Shopping Center) and get back home than it did for me to actually find a good suit, a few good shirts, and some gorgeous ties. I could also go on by saying I had to pay a toll, three times, and the third time, I had thrown my change and it said I still owed 10 cents, and I reached down and found all I had–besides pennies– a quarter! Oh, what luck, I am saved! Right as I threw the quarter in, it said I already had enough money inserted and the light turned green and turned red before I entirely made it through. The car behind me just tailed my ass and didn’t pay at all. Irony, Irony, Irony. Everywhere.

I feel deep sympathy for this highway. All the shit that’s been exploded onto it, placed on it, run into it, time after time… Not to mention cars falling off of this highway in front of me, too. All of these things lead me to believe two things: 1) God hates Highway 183 (aka Airport Freeway, then Highway 10 if you’re heading West on it towards Euless), and 2) it’s time for an editorial since a majority of us didn’t seem to know why traffic was so painfully slow today, and heavy wherever it wasn’t necessarily moving at the rate of a tortoise.

—Start Editorial—

360 DEGREES OF CHAOS ON 183
By: Frederick Szczepanski

“One lane is now open…heading eastbound on the 183,” was the last I heard of the catastrophic blow to a bridge of 183, the most recent report on the radio station KRLD 1080, on a story which I was following since noon today. It was 7PM and I was just making it home. I was on my way to South Irving, near I-30 territory, coming from Fire Wheel Shopping Center.

WFAA’s reported stated “Highway 183 was closed in both directions near Texas Stadium Thursday afternoon after a truck carrying oil well drilling equipment struck an overpass over Loop 12.” Loop 12 North was closed off at this point.

Making the way around the metroplex, particularly through Irving, Dallas, and surrounding locales was quite challenging for many commuters. The Texas Dept. of Transportation, or TxDOT, urged commuters to avoid the area if at all possible.

A definite date and time for repair of the bridge, entirely, was unknown, but sources indicate that 183 should be open for business, but only at 66% capacity eastbound at last check. All roadways should be cleared and accessible by midnight.

Star-Telegram indicated, “Texas 183, or the Airport Freeway, was closed at two spots — eastbound at Carl Road and westbound at the 183/114 split — to allow TxDOT crews to work on the bridge. The eastbound frontage road of Texas 183 was still passable.”

The main cause for delay, aside from visible structural damage to multiple rungs beneath the bridge, was also the incredible amount of debris the collision caused.

Highway 183 has been involved in the press multiple times this past year in relation to accidents.

In May 2006, a gas tanker collided with the highway’s bridge while heading Northbound on MacArthur and exploded, killing the driver. A $636,000 emergency contract with Gibson & Associates emergency repair contract was drawn up shortly after. The bridge was fixed within days of the May 28th contract and accident. Parts of the bridge which were not damaged physically can still be seen covered with black smoke that originally came from the tanker’s gas contents.

In early August this year, a car made a sharp turn and lane change and ended up upside down on the southbound side of Story Rd., having fallen off from Highway 183. Paramedics and fire trucks were called to the scene for injuries, but all parties involved survived. The vehicle did not.
—End Editorial—

This is pretty unrelated, but I just had to throw this in. Seems like an old grandmother (is there any other kind?) decided to divert attention away, briefly, from the 183 mess to herself as she drove into a Post Office in Duncanville a few hours after the spotlight roadway event of the day.

Lesson of the day? Sometimes, Sprint’s location service doesn’t always work, and sometimes, roads are just plain vicious. And so are the drivers.

 Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Graphic Violence, Reality.

Editor’s Note: This blog entry represents a breaking news story. This information is for your personal use only, and by reading it, you agree to not hold me liable for inaccuracies you derive from it.

Today feels really fucking off, for some reason. For some reason, I had a strong urge to use the word “fuck” to describe it.

It’s amazing how one day can be so amazingly different from the next…

This moment is not one I want to be in, period. For a large portion of students and adults in Orlando, FL., however, they wish that Life had a Rewind button. This is what I mean:

“A 15-year-old male student died after being stabbed at a bus stop at a central Florida high school as classes let out Thursday, authorities said.

Authorities have a 17-year-old suspect in custody in connection with the stabbing, which took place at University High School in east Orange County.

An argument between the two students began during lunchtime, and then continued after school at the bus stop when the suspect stabbed the victim with a roughly 3-inch serrated pocket knife, Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary said.” (click here for full article - includes pictures and slideshow of the crime scene)

I received more information from my ex who lives in Florida, James. He went to the school this happened at, University High School, a part of Orange County Public Schools. He was at school at the time of the stabbing, around 2:10PM Eastern Time, but was not present at the scene, though several of his friends were.

—Begin Editorial—
Mature audiences only, please.

Editorial by Frederick Szczepanski — ORLANDO, FL: James’ friends were waiting for their school bus[es] to arrive in the bus circle. A conflict between the two students, starting around lunch, surrounded the issue of a girl, and a possible relationship with one girl in particular that both students were interested in (italicized sections are parts I assume to be true).

After school let out, James’ friends, the victim, and the suspect, were together at the bus circle on campus when the 17-year-old suspect approached the victim. He appeared to be making amends with the student as he hugged the 15-year-old.

Moments later, fellow students and friends of the victim saw blood gushing from the three stab wounds he inflicted upon the victim just seconds earlier. He bled out as students around him screamed.

The blood stain could be seen from aerial photos taken by the helicopter.

The suspect fled the scene and attempted to change clothing. He was caught by a school officer after students identified the suspect by pointing him out.

The faculty and students were equally hysterical with no restraints on their words. “Everyone was cussing, yelling, screaming”, according to James’ friend, who was standing just a few feet away from the crime as it happened. “There was blood everywhere, just gushing everywhere. It was horrible.”

James knew the victim since second grade. “I played baseball with him in 6th. I just can’t believe it.” He also knew the 17-year-old suspect, and went on to say, “I had a class with him over the summer. I fucking sat right next to him… just goes to show how much someone is truly capable of, the potential to kill and corrupt.”

—End Editorial—Â

Though it’s been just an hour, reality has been setting in since the second this vicious crime occurred on campus. His friends are torn to pieces, and could not believe something like this could happen over something so simple. Regardless, a crime of this nature should never occur, no matter what is involved or at stake. Never.

Imagine if this was at your school. Imagine if this was your friend. This is horrible. Things like this make you scared for your life. Things like this run the inevitable “why” question through your head twenty times.

There is so much violence, everywhere. Is there any safe place to be? Tall buildings? No. School? No. Subways? No. Buses? No. Cars? No. Homes?… I don’t know. I’m running out of options here.

However, we should all be thankful that we are still here. It’s just moments like this that make you wonder… what’s really going on with the world?

—Now, a Personal Reaction—

My heart goes out to the family of the victim, and to all those involved, on any level, big or small, even though there is no truly ’small’ level of involvement. Time will heal your hearts, and those wounded are now free of pain. You will all, always, have your memories, and no one can take your memories away from you.

On top of all that I just said, there are a few other things I’m dealing with. Sometimes, I just feel off, and that made it worse. However, I believe one of my parakeets injured itself last night and it is acting really weird today. I hope she gets better soon.

Today is a sad, sad day. Time will improve all, but we can do our part… If only everyone else will do theirs as well.

According to a recent blog entry I randomly read on some website I’m not citing, having a specific title about what is in the entry is best so that people don’t have to read your entire long entry to figure out what’s really in it…

P.S. My favorite rule is listed last (:

So why are my blogs so abstract? I guess because I want you to find what interests you in them, but I’m sure everyone will enjoy this blog entry because it relates to something everyone over the age of 18 probably does. My ‘theories for the road’ have been reinforced time and time again, but tonight truly proved it. Now presenting, The Unwritten Rules of the Road!

If you feel the urge to be an ass among for your fellow drivers, remember who may be around you–that’s right, someone who can give you a ticket worth a few hundred dollars, or worse. One ticket, topped at almost $300, was enough for me, and gave me a great wake-up call to respect the road. Of course, all laws have slack in them, so you have to find that slack, and find it appropriately.

The Unbreakables - Do NOT break these rules. Doing so will cause you to be considered an idiot by 100% of the people around you, and is just downright dangerous. Please avoid the following:

1. Crossing a double solid yellow line. You’re just asking for an accident, or much worse.
2. Rapidly/randomly/excessively changing lanes during heavy traffic loads. This goes without saying, but many people with cars that they think are invincible try this all the time.
3. Speed excessively, or speed in general, with children or others [you care about] in the car. Drive as recklessly as you want when no one else is in the car, and when there are no cars or people around. However, when can you be completely certain of this? You are in control of every one’s life when you are on the road, so be sensible. You never know what’s around the corner, or over the hill (if you know me well enough, you know what significance that has for me).
4. Making left turns or going straight through a yellow/red light while all lanes are not occupied. I’m not advocating the use of the yellow light to mean go faster but if you are going to run a light, please make sure that all lanes are occupied, as in, there is someone sitting in each lane on both sides of the road. Not checking this will most likely cause an accident, because if someone sees green, they aren’t going to slow down and come to a complete stop, then go with everyone else… just something to think about.
5. Don’t be in a dangerous rush. Not thinking about crossing four lanes to the other side (or any other brainless maneuver) is just as dumb as the chicken that tried to cross the road, with the keyword being “tried.”
6. Stay within your lane of traffic. I see people weaving around all the time. That’s a quick way to get pulled over (or worse, again) as cops are more concerned with getting dangerous people such as those drunk, high, or unlicensed, off the road, faster than those who are simply trying to shave a few minutes off of their commute.

So, now that I’ve told you what you really shouldn’t do, here’s what you can do!

If you feel like speeding, go ahead. I recommend a radar detector if you frequently go more than 6+ mph over a posted Speed Limit of 55mph or under, or 10+ mph over a posted Speed Limit of 60mph or over on the highway. I personally use the Escort X50 8500. It’s definitely worth the money (: Moving right along, now that I’ve mentioned that, here are ….

The Breakables - The Unwritten Rules of the Road!

1. In a rich city? If you don’t have an expensive car (before after-market accessories, silly racers), use your signal always. Rich people don’t care about tickets, and cops know this. Be on the lookout!
2. If a cop is near you, show respect. This is what they care about more than you actually following the laws of transportation. This means: signal when you are near a cop; slow down to the speed that the officer is doing. If they are doing exactly the speed limit, hmm, I wonder what kind of enforcement they are working on today… Don’t be dumb.
3. In front of a cop? Do 5 over to show you aren’t a criminal and totally intimidated by the police, and if possible, use your signal and switch lanes. This will show you respect the law and your moderate speeding shows you have nothing to hide.
4. Is it the 17th of the month? Be careful, because you have the greatest chance of any day in the D/FW Metroplex to get busted on this day of the month than any other day. Four people busted within five minutes in front of me tonight. This number is actually below average of what I usually see on the 16th and especially the 17th of each month and is something I always look forward to and laugh at, thinking, how could these people not see it coming?

Be Safe, and Don’t be Stupid. Also, care for the environment!

If you see crappy, old (or new) vehicles that are shoving black smoke into the air, that means that you paid $80 for an inspection that they either didn’t go to, or had their friend at the auto shop fake. So, go ahead and learn from the Texas Commission of Environmental Quality!

“ To Report a Smoking Vehicle

(1) Upon observing a smoking vehicle, please make note of the following information:

• Texas license plate number
• Date observed
• Time (AM/PM)
• City
• Location observed

(2) Report the information to the TCEQ, within 30 days, by one of the following methods:

• Report a smoking vehicle online(in English)
• Report a smoking vehicle online(in Spanish)
• Call 1-800-453-SMOG (7664)
• Send a fax to 512/239-1500
• Mail the information to:

Smoking Vehicle Program, MC-164
Texas Commission on Environmental Quality
P.O. Box 13087
Austin, Texas 78711-3087″

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language.

I can’t get to where I want to go.

Why the confusion? I don’t know… But if I could break it down into Jeopardy categories, the list would read something like this:

• Uncertain Future
• Back to the Beginning
• The End
• Medicinal Misunderstandings
• Unaccomplished Accomplishments
• Carrying On (Hover over link for its description)

If I could just go away, disappear, whenever I felt this way, and not put any pain or disorientation upon anyone, I would love that. Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, or any power, or energy, for that matter. I have caused the most hurt and sadness to Jose because of this, and I apologize for that, baby. The part that makes this the most challenging is that I am satisfied with life, and if I could just feel that way, it would make my life that much easier, for myself, for everyone…

Uncertain future refers to the fact that I may not want to do something with Business all my life… I know this isn’t a major thing (no pun intended, seriously), but it prevents me from doing my homework as thoroughly as I want to, and that sucks. A lot. I can’t ever really get anything I want to get done on time…

Back to the beginning refers to the fact that I try moving forward but get rejected back to where I started… Nothing works most of the time, nothing…

The end refers to my thinking about the passing of loved ones, almost entirely about my mom… I know that she probably has many years to live, but the way she says things sometimes, it makes it seem like she doesn’t have long at all, and this really crushes my reason to do anything sometimes, because I just want to please her and make her happy, and I want to make everyone happy… Sometimes my voice gets drowned out… I make myself insignificant. This isn’t a healthy way of approaching anything… I’m trying not to be this way. It’s just that she is my only blood-related [again, another phrase I made up on my own] family member that I’ve had…

Things just don’t feel right sometimes, most of the time, and I don’t know why. They just feel so, so wrong… like I am wrong. I don’t belong. I need to just go away from everything and everyone, to solve my problems for the moment… because I am no good right here for the moment. That’s how it feels.

Medicinal Misunderstandings refers to the fact that my psychiatrist doesn’t seem to really give a shit about what is going on in my head as opposed to his incentives and kickbacks for pushing certain prescriptions. I didn’t want to believe this, but two months of my life have been falsely put into the hands of this guy, and he never even listened. I don’t know why I kept putting it off… so I finally took action and I’m going to see another psychiatrist tomorrow at 4:30, one who will listen more. It’s sad when you are even paying someone to listen to you, and they don’t care enough to do that.

Unaccomplished accomplishments refers to the fact that I try to make progress, and think I have, but it’s all part of my mind game. I literally mean that. The game my mind is playing on me.

Carrying on stands for the song that I’ve listened to at least 20-30 times today, and that number will just keep going up as the day and week goes on, My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade.” The link above (in the list) has a direct link to the MP3 on my site if you want to download it…

What does it mean, though? Carrying on… To me, it means, I have tried one way, but it’s time to try another. It’s just time to keep trying harder, and harder, and harder, and when will it end? I am not certain at all. Perhaps never. Maybe that is the point of life, constantly having new obstacles to get where we want to be…

I know life is supposed to be challenging, but… my mind makes it impossible. When you want to cry for the rest of the day for no reason, when you feel like you can’t get close to anyone in fear of losing control of yourself, losing control of your mind, losing control of what you say and do, when you feel like you’re just falling down into a very deep hole and there’s no end in sight… The panic is just there, and it’s making sure it’s known and acknowledged, all the time in my head… Do I make excuses for what I say and how I act? Yes. Are they reasons? I don’t know… All I know is that if I have to apologize and make excuses for things, it’s because I didn’t want to do them in the first place. Some people say that they will never apologize for what they have done because at the time, that’s exactly what they wanted. That just doesn’t make sense. That’s saying you should use the same mindset for the rest of your life if you already messed up once before and it’s acceptable. I refuse to be beaten by my own thinking, my own mind. My heart is stronger than my mind will ever be, and in times of great confusion, that’s all I can listen to… The only one who has my heart is Jose, and that will never change, ever. I apologize for being so needy lately, and by lately I mean always… I am just as tired of not being able to enjoy life and calm down as ever, and that dissatisfaction keeps growing by the second, but some things are beyond my control… I know you understand that and take that into consideration, and I appreciate you very much for doing that. Very, very, very much. No one else would listen to me the way you do, even my closest friends… One of my best friends laughs at half the things when I say I’m crying and I can’t feel… It’s like almost no one listens to me, so this is my way of saying I apologize for putting it all on you, baby. It’s just that I get let down by myself, or I let myself down… but I will not give up. I cannot give up. Just like my mom will not give up with her back pain and other problems she faces, I will not give up, especially in a battle within myself. I just want you to know that I will always care about you, very much, and want to be better very soon.

Like you said, I need to think about if it’s making me feel better, and the bottom line: the medicine didn’t, and it’s time for another change. File Menu > New Game again, and I’m ready. I don’t want to restart. I don’t want to take two steps back and no steps forward. My mind is so unfair to me. It doesn’t give me a chance to think for myself. It always has random noise running through it, and music, and things that don’t matter, and I can never, ever focus… This may sound like an excuse in certain ways, but it isn’t… I know what I feel randomly isn’t normal. I know that it’s not normal to walk out in front of my house and see that one of my neighbors are outside and instantly feel nervous and anxious, and like they are staring at me, and against me. I know it’s not normal to walk around and judge everything and everyone, at least, in a way that I don’t want to… If that doesn’t entirely make sense, it’s basically because I can’t feel how I want to. Well, you may be thinking, we can’t always choose how we are feeling… but… I know almost everyone can, better than me.

I miss being able to be happy. I miss being truly satisfied with life, without my mind thinking “something bad is going to happen because things are going good.” Being positive isn’t enough. Trying isn’t enough. Trying harder and hardest will get me a lot closer, but I know I need some form of medication of advice… I need professional advice, please. Someone please pay attention to me. I don’t want to force you to. Please listen to me, best friends, friends, blog readers. Where are all of you when I need you? On AIM? Watching TV? Hanging out with other friends? What’s going on? Do you even know I am here? You people, you let me down… you let me down so much… Your names need not be mentioned. I can’t do this on my own, and I do not want to put it all on my love, Jose.

Passing blame is so easy, yeah, I know, but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just a human asking another human for a little help. Please don’t just tell me you are sorry. I need more than that, people. What do I need? Just a little attention… I give you attention, don’t I? I am not asking you to always be here for me to talk to… just once in a while… We can’t all function and do everything on our own, otherwise we wouldn’t have cities and communities and networks of people.

However, the biggest portion of problems falls upon myself. I want to be social. I want to be positive. I want to feel. I want to feel happy. I want to get things done. I want to actually have energy. I want to not feel like I haven’t received sleep for days, all the time. I just want to be me. I just seriously want to be myself. I want to represent myself. My mind won’t let me live my life as I want to, as I choose to. We are victims of our own mistakes, our own choices, but what if we can’t choose those choices and problems? Sort of twists the word ‘choice’ into nothing.

My deepest apologies, with all of my heart, to my love, Jose. You have put up with so much, and I will never give up, for me, for you, for us, baby. I will not let that happen. I know I am strong, and I want to be me, the me we all know I can be. The Me you know is inside me somewhere. The Me I can’t be because my mind doesn’t let me. I know it sounds so weird… but that’s truly how it feels, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray to feel better soon. My life, my happiness, your happiness, my mom’s happiness, my future, the present, depends on it. I just want to be me, and not let anything or anyone except the real Me be in control of who I am and how I feel. A struggle against one’s self. Briefly mentioned in Philosophy Ethics, but a battle bigger than I could have ever anticipated.

It’s just so sad, because I am happy, and I just can’t feel it. Things are fine. My apologies again, my love, Jose, for all the stress and confusion I cause whenever I ramble like this and whenever I act oddly or become randomly emotional. These are not my intentions at all. In the meantime, I will still push to stand my ground in my personal battle reaching outside of me, affecting those around me, especially you, baby, and all those I care about… I pray to be able to feel, and feel how I want to, and be in control of my actions and mind, and be sound in all aspects of the word… I will try harder, and harder, no matter how much it may take out of me, because it’s already taken so much away from me, and I have not been able to completely enjoy the happiest memories I have made this past year, with Jose, and in general, and I will not let that continue. I will do my part. I will. Confusion will die. Disappointment will die. The not real Me will be dismissed. I will be Me.

Things are good, but there are still those days when life’s biggest problems glare at you with all their might, and when nothing seems to be going right… (Oh yay, it RhYmEs! I’m so tacky sometimes. OOPS! I did it again.)

• Money. It seems we don’t have enough of it at my house.
• Misunderstandings. They are all over the place and it brings me down way too much, too hard, too often, again, at my house.
• Medicine: I forgot to take it today. Maybe that’s why I feel under par, who knows? Maybe it is effective, who knows, again?
• Material Online: Already due, and just like that, I lost 20% of my possibility of getting an “A” in the class. Thank you, website, for notifying me a day after the assignment was posted and due, that I needed to complete it. Thank you, very much.

Sometimes I just feel like such a lazy bastard who never gets anything done. Yeah, part of that is my bad, and I’ll agree. However, we can’t all be perfect all the time, and I’m trying. Why can’t people, especially my mom, accept that? It makes me wonder how much better life would be if it wasn’t infused with hellish arguments at earth-shaking decibel levels, completely inappropriate for their nature. Sometimes, I just can’t resist to push back after being pushed. It just sucks. How long can we stay sitting and while succumbing to being sitting ducks? [Editor’s Note…that’s me: I had to type that word about six times into Google and dictionary.com before I realized it had a “B.” I’m not as smart as I type. ;)]

Again, things are good, but sometimes, the pleasures get lost amidst the sea of confusion of what is, what isn’t, what’s lost, and what hasn’t been found… but remaining optimistic and true to myself, I know that there will always be good in my life, and I will always be appreciative for it. This isn’t a “hard time” for me– it’s just a time that I would like to press the Fast-Forward button on, if I had a remote for my life. I’m sure I would use it way too often, though, trying to make highs for myself, like sugar highs that people get from drinking soda sometimes. Sure, it’s pleasurable, but sometimes, too much is just too much, right?

I digress. Too often.

Notice how I tried to make my list up there all start with “M”…. I don’t like M. Of course, “A” and “T” and “Q” and “H” and “W” would all have been much more suitable choices for the final item, but just keeping things … weird, is what I like to do sometimes.

I digress. Again.

Now on to the finer points in life. Jose is awesome! Now that I’ve become slightly more level-headed (such an anti-exaggeration; whatever you can call that without the “anti” in just one word works, too), it makes for a much finer relationship. Yay for working on things I need to work on. I do look forward to growing up more, as long as everyone else grows up with me, and sometimes, that’s the biggest challenge of them all, having people you care about most refuse to grow with you, or at least, what I like to call disentialism from working with me and moving forward to a better place and better life… This word appears nowhere on the Internet, in any newspapers, magazines, or books. It comes from entail, which means (in its lesser known definition) to require. Dis-entail means to leave out, or detach from, so disentalism would be… well, you get the idea. Finally, a word that I made up, like randomocity, that hasn’t been plastered all over the Internet yet.

But, life is still very, very satisfying. I am happy with the way things are going. I just wish I could always see things for what they are, and that my mom especially, and anyone who doesn’t listen to what I am saying, would see it, too…

But we can’t always have what we want.

File Menu > New Game please. I wait for your arrival. Only Jose will know what I’m talking about. You are awesome baby! Thank you for everything =] ONE YEAR on the 14! YAYYYY! ^_^

P.S. Sorry for not writing in my blog forever. It’s funny because I only planned on this being four lines long, those four bullets… Funny how things grow if you let them. (:

Rated TV-PG for Sexual References. Mild Language. Reality.

You know children are becoming too sexual and too easily manipulated when MySpace has to start taking underhanded action to protect the little ones, but give the others an extra level of privacy which I don’t appreciate… All right, let’s face it– children have always been easily manipulated, so I guess it makes sense. I will just be irritated when half the profiles I attempt to view on MySpace are hidden.

Some of you may not know that I’m a moderator on MySpace, so I get to know about things a little bit in advance, and a little more in detail than what is told to you. So when I found out about this, I know it’s a good idea to protect users, but I also think that it will be abused. I honestly can not see any benefits to this. You post things on the Internet, and how can you expect them to be private? Better yet, why would you want them to be private? Why would you think that by making your page private, someone that wants to see ‘inside your friend world’ would not make another page just to add you as a friend? You think that if someone really wanted to see what was going on, that would stop them? So who are you hiding from? Freaks? Or the people who just want to check out your page and see if you’d be a good friend?

My rant may not make sense to some. I just have always seen the Internet as the place you go to to find out more about things, including people. About their lives, everything.

Did you know employers are using MySpace to see if their potential candidate for that empty spot in their office is a bad one? If they have a habit of doing drugs? If they’re a swinger? Does this make it a good reason to hide your profile? Perhaps… or maybe it’s a valid reason to keep what should be kept private, private, and only tell it to those you trust in the first place. Why post all the things nearest and dearest to you, in a place called MySpace, on a website accessed by more people on the planet than any other site, aside from search engines?

There is a line between sharing things with people that could be friends, and sharing things that you should only share with people you know are your friends. As for anyone under the age of 18 (17 in some states, such as the case is here in Texas, for true legal consent), think about what you are posting online. There are freaks everywhere, and there is no better breeding place for those freaks than on the Internet. You always think, “That could never happen to me”, but… it has to happen to someone. Just be more careful with what you put online, and make your space a public space that everyone can enjoy.

I wish MySpace didn’t have to come to implementing the feature depicted below. [More information on what led up to this can be read by a $30 mil. lawsuit - added 6/23 @ 9:50AM]

NEW! You must be logged in to see this text, because this post sucks, and only those who really care enough to read it, can. So, yeah. Â

Editor’s… er, Blogger’s Note: I didn’t feel like this is the real me. I’ll let you know when it’s really me talking… Here’s a confused entry for all of you. Sucks. Comments are off because this blows. Â

THE EMO CRONICLES, PART ONE.

Boo Me. Not the Real Me. What? Run that by me again. Representing the confused part of me, Captain Emo! Why am I calling this the Emo Chronicles? Well, that deserves bolding!

Why Emo-C? Over the next few months, I’m going to be doing a ‘dramatic restructuring’ of self, so before I really get into my emoness, I’ll discuss a few things that I want to change, only those which apply to everyone. Personal changes will remain personal, and only the one who needs to know those will know, about, those. So, shove along, and here we go.

What’s going to change? There are a few things which relate to one another, in some way. See if you can figure it out as you read through my list, listed in no particular order of importance.

• Negativitiy: This has been one of my biggest problems which causes a lot of ‘drama’ in my life, if you want to call it that. It’s basically unnecessary stress.
• Relaxing: Sometimes, I just get too excited about things that I shouldn’t, or too worked up in little things… I just need to chill.
• Slow Down: Though these sound similar, I need to take time with each thing I do.

There are many, MANY other things that I know I need to work on, and those will come in the future, or not at all, depending on how much I want all of you to know about me. (; That’s another good point, I need to not talk so much and reveal everything…

What’s Emo: Talking about Everything to Everyone. Do you care? Hold up– there’s nothing wrong with not caring. I just need to figure out what’s appropriate to say when. That’s always been one of my biggest problems… I open up way too easily. I need to not do that. That unfortunately goes along with moving along too fast in life. Not everyone wants to hear my life story, and that’s understandable… not only is that understandable, but I like it. I really do. I like knowing that only certain people want to hear everything about me, everything I have to say. Those are my best friends

Now, allow me to be truly emo for a bit.

I get twisted up in my own emotions, don’t know why. I just need to trust myself with what I say, because if I say what I feel, then there will be no cause for confusion. There will be no disorientation in what I should be saying. I just need to relax, and let life be in control, instead of pushing it into the direction I want it to. Moving faster than everything and everyone else will only put me behind. That’s all. Join me next week for the next edition of EC!

What’s Emo — Emo Track of the Week: Amber Pacific — Save Me From Me Lyrics

If you only knew the pain
The pain I keep inside
The pain that makes me “me”
Then without it who am I
In a room with broken walls
I lay in scene and dreams
I want you to see

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breathe for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

And I’m losing my will
Just to hold you in
I’m giving up the hope
That you could have been the one
To save me from me
And now our lips will meet
and i’ll taste their defeat
I’ll give in this once

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

Still I know I’ll carry on
Guide me through the life I lost
To find these faults in me
To find these faults in me

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

To save me from me

Please Note: This isn’t meant to be a true “self-advice” blog post, as it really didn’t involve the true elements of how I feel in it. This isn’t how I intended for it to turn out, so forgive me. Losing most of my blog post and pain in my eye and tiredness took over. Better luck next time! This, I guess, is a true rant, and nothing more. Next time, part II, I will work on that.

Rated TV-PG for Mild Language.

In this world that we live in, sometimes we make choices that don’t really seem to be the best. Sometimes, we may think they are. Protecting what we know is true within us, but covering it up to satisfy the ones around us. Lying to get our way. Doing things that hurt other people that benefit ourselves. In this blog post, I am going to discuss what people should be doing, instead of what we’ve been doing all along.

For centuries, humans have depended on one another for essential needs: protection, companionship, and continuing to live through offspring, etc. So, why is this relevant to anything? I think before I start talking about this, I want to give a bit of background on why I am wanting to rant about this tonight. This is one of my first true rants, deserving only the “Rants” headliner (category).

What if you found someone that you thought was cool on MySpace, and you wanted to get to know them as a friend? Perhaps, maybe a good friend. You seemed to get along well, and didn’t seem to mind talking, or in this early-stage case, typing, to one another. Oddly enough (damn, another category name. Oh well– let’s act like I didn’t type that), a third party intervenes, causing turmoil in your newly-developing friendship. An outsider. A foreigner. Damn him.

This is a story about friendship, honesty, and people just pissing me, and others, indirectly, off. To quote myself…

Intelligence Boi (11:53:26 PM): it’ll start out rather elementary.

Yes, short, sweet, and well-said. When I start talking, I’m really just talking from what I feel, paving my own way, so to speak. Most of us think this is right, doing what we want, when we want to. Fortunately, there are people that have experienced more life than we have, whether in their own life and their interpretation of it, or because they have followed advice from others that seem to be rather effective. This isn’t to say old people know more, or that people who have died before us know which way is up in life. This simply means that perhaps, once in a while, or more often (small steps first), we should take others’ advice. This is something I must work on, but something I wanted to share before really discussing anything.

Blah blah blah. What’s your point? We need to learn to listen to what others have to say, and have an open mind. Without an open mind, we can only think what we think. Sounds like a good thing, but it isn’t. If we all did what we thought was right, our world would be pretty screwed up. Oh, wait… Yeah. Looks like that’s something we could all benefit from– just listening to one another. But first, we have to solve a problem that’s really plaguing us all- honesty.

“Honesty? I don’t have a problem with that,” or so you say. One way or another, each of us has a problem with either bending the truth, withholding it, giving too much of it, telling the wrong people, saying it at the wrong time, or using information given to us, intentionally or unintentionally, in a way other than what the original teller intended for it to be used. “Malicious purposes,” to be legal, technical, and summational.

Life has many fine lines. If we don’t cross one, chances are we have crossed another, but I think that there is always one very clear violation, and that is leading someone on under any circumstance. My friend that I was getting to know apparently didn’t enjoy talking to me, but continued to act as if he did. Why do people do that? Now, I’ve stated my problem. Discussion!

What good can result from this? His friend sent me a message, in which he said the following:

1. The person I was talking to didn’t like talking to me.
2. I’m gay and need to find a boyfriend.
3. I am going to get beat up because he has the power to do that.
4. I am ugly.

Word up. I may agree with #4, but is that really necessary? If anything, the message should have simply stated one of the following:

1. The person you are talking to doesn’t like you.
2. You need to talk to [that person] because I don’t think [that person] likes you.

Insulting me is not necessary, but I don’t mind that. I do mind, however, being led along, as if I was making a new friend. Why does this bother me?

1. I was being nice to you, respecting you, and caring enough to reply to your messages.
2. I was honest with you. Did I not deserve the same thing?
3. I was myself, so why couldn’t you do the same?

#2 and #3 are similar, but not the same.

The basis for this complaint, however, is people simply not being themselves. No one deserves to be led along, regardless. So, just be honest with whoever. There is a difference between niceness, honesty, and discretion. You should use discretion whenever you tell things to people as to avoid conflict, but if you think or know something is wrong, why do it? Just be honest, and say it. That’s the truly nice thing to do.

All in all, people are generally good, and I understand that, but we don’t take how other people would react to the downside of an action that we take. We need to consider what we are doing, and it seems that too often, our actions go unchecked within ourselves, but unfortunately, not unnoticed.

Closing Advice: Just be honest. Don’t lag behind reality. It’ll catch up with you and everyone else.

Part II will be much better, I promise. (;

Not enough entries, you say? Oh well. I’ll be updating more often now. I promise. For this post, I want to take a breather from most of reality. I want to just have some nice emo stuff, then a new quote I’m going to apply to everything, then a beautiful Sergio, then my Privacy Pyramid [revised]! You’ll love all of it. So rellllllaaax! It’s all fun!

About the pyramid… I’m nowhere near done talking about that. Major changes there.

Rated TV-14 for Self-Mutilation References. Mature Language. Reality!

*The “That’s me” refers to my quote, not the image below.

Sergio is so purdy.

Revised from the one released back last December! Definitely clearer… and shinier! Dedicated to my best friend Zack [I love you Such an awesome d00d! Forever :]