edward fox's reality

Do you like how I got straight to the point there? Well, even though I did, I chose a word that most people (including myself until ten minutes ago) aren’t familiar with: inutile. Sounds like futile, or… ceramic tile. But that’s beyond the point. The point is that I feel useless and it really, really sucks.

For the moment, I really have no close friends. I used to have just the right number of friends, but now, it feels like I have no one that I can share my most pathetic feelings with, and it hurts.

I don’t know why it hurts. Perhaps, as James told me, we are supposed to keep our sadness to ourselves. I’m not exactly sure on that one, but all I know is that this sadness is really getting to me. Maybe I’ll get some help for it around 3:30PM today. We’ll see, we’ll see…

Thank you for being here for me…

For those who aren’t here for me, but want to be… thank you.

For those who are temporarily not part of my life right now, you’re still in my thoughts. Don’t forget that.

Life is just so difficult sometimes. Why does it have to be? I thought life would get easier as you learned more. Ignorance is still Ace. Dammit.

For the original, inspiring blog entry, please click here: (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=68694875&blogID=242742638)

I guess people are different.

When people meet me, they expect someone serious and boring… and maybe I am.

They expect me to understand everything, but I don’t.

I don’t even understand myself.

They take advantage of me, always have, always will,

but I guess it gives me a purpose.

I may come off as disrespectful,

but I don’t try to be.

I guess people just have issues with me.

I can’t control my emotions sometimes, and I’m just me.

I am not the most social person, but I try to be.

What do people want me for? I can’t find a reason as to why anyone would bother talking to me most of the time…

Money doesn’t mean anything to me, expensive vehicles don’t mean anything to me. I just search for solace.

Maybe I already found that person, who could give me this, but I lost them…

Maybe that’s not enough…

Maybe I’m not enough.

All I am certain of, is that is enough for now.

—

Peter, I love you… No matter how many times I may act fucked up, confused, emotionally unstable, angry, disoriented, confused, pissed… it’s me.

—

“Patience” by Take That
To listen to this song, go to my MySpace page.

Just have a little patience

I’m still hurting from a love I lost,
I’m feeling your frustration.
That in any minute all the pain will stop.
Just hold me close, inside, your arms, tonight,
don’t be too hard on my emotions

(Chorus)
‘Cause I, need time.
My heart is numb, has no feeling.
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation.
The one that I can always depend.

I’ll try to be strong. Believe me,
I’m trying to move on,
It’s complicated but understand me.

‘Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience, yeah
have a little patience, yeah

‘Cause the scars run so deep,
It’s been hard,
But I have to believe.

Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,

Woah, Cause I, I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,
have a little patience,

My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little… Patience

Rated TV-14 for Foul-Mouthed (Mature) Language.

Some random, yet inspiring, Sex & The City quote: “Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.”

I was going to save that for last, but maybe if I hooked you with a good opener like that, you would be more likely to read this entry. Are you interested? Well, then, okay. Let’s find out what tonight’s blog is going to talk about.

Taking Chances. Well, if you read my past few entries, they all have something in common. Since I do respect the privacy of myself and people that are close to me, I would never reveal personal details as to what’s going on in my life. Honestly, I type these blogs out to help myself sort through my thoughts, because I ravage through painful emotions a lot, and I don’t know why, still… so without further ado, let’s make this and take this away from me, and make it into something for you, the reader of blogs.

Why is it that no one seems to risk shit anymore? It seems we are all so much more cautious in how we act. I remember I used to do pretty bold things in my life… now, not so much. I’ve sort of settled down into this pathetic adult norm where the norm is all that I follow. It’s tragic, really… but I think it’s more than just that.

I think the mistakes I lack in making are making my life lack life. So maybe the woman from SATC was right. Maybe mistakes do make our fate. Maybe mistakes help us figure out what’s right and wrong… can you deny it? Can you honestly say, “I regret making this mistake because I learned nothing from it”? Or do you simply say to yourself, at times, “I regret what I have done”? There is a large difference, and I think many of us don’t realize this.

As adults, we’re trained well. We are trained to achieve, yet somehow not make mistakes. Better yet, the person who makes the fewest mistakes will rise to the top soonest, and the seal wins the fish. So, why is it then that we learn from mistakes? Is this something we tell to people who just can’t get where they want to soon enough, so we came up with a phrase to help them feel better? I think not.

I think those who make the most mistakes have the most experience. The more experience you have, the more chances you have to do something right. So go ahead, everyone, and fuck some shit up. Take some chances. This is your life here… Don’t live in the future… Don’t worry about the past. Just live in the present, because it’s the only thing you have right now. Remember that… and you’ll carry on!

It’s that time again. It’s time to recall the past; it’s time to cry over what we have lost, and what we still have. It’s that time again– the time to realize who we are, what we are, what makes us, what breaks us, what fakes us.

I recently had a relationship end… It doesn’t feel like it ended. I didn’t want it to end, but it did. Stuff just happens, right? It’s unfortunate that this happened.

I don’t know who I am sometimes. Now’s the time where I call up all of my friends, trying to take up the time that I would be using to talk to him on the phone…

Now is the time where I distract myself from the reality that’s been placed in front of me…

The pain will end soon enough. Yes, it will. I will miss it. I will miss you.

The best is what I wish for you, Peter.

Madi Don’t Leave by PlayRadioPlay
It takes a lot to phase me
I’m pretty stable, I’m pretty sane.
But I’m looking at my future,
and God do I have to lose her?
We shared conversations on how we’re all just floating
Through space and nothing matters.
I’m looking for a pattern.

Is it possible to say,
Baby lets run away to the East Coast?
Or Seattle? Corpus? Or Saint Marcus?
I’ve got a credit card, and a reliable car.
Let’s drive…to Pennsylvania.

Madi dear, can’t we just disappear
And take our chances on a teenagers romances?
Put our money where our mouth is?

It takes a lot to make me
Pretty angry and very sad.
I’m looking towards the outcome,
there must be some hidden reason.
We shared kisses upside down and on your old quilt,
By your computer I was hoping, your garage as it opened.

Is there any way you could change schools
And stay up here in Fort Worth?
Cause you’re what I look for.
I got a hopeless crush,
maybe that don’t mean much to you,
But I’m hoping this could keep going.

It’s six a.m. and ice cream is the first thing on my list.
And PEZ improves our kisses, after so many misses.

No job brings a lot of other issues to face… and great emo songs. Care to listen along with this track? DOWNLOAD MP3 [link] and Save Target As.

Story of The Year ~ A Silent Murder

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song.

I’m just posting this as an update. I know I said I would know by 12pm, but I won’t know until 12:30 to 4:30PM this afternoon. Hopefully it won’t be that late, and I will immediately post the results because my temp agency will be notified and will notify me right away by the end of business today… WISH ME LUCK………

The ticking grows louder and louder with each passing minute that I’m sitting at home, a sitting duck, waiting for the call that will change my life in a good way, or make me continue living the same rut that I’ve been in for many months now. I’m getting sick of the waiting. On Friday, hopefully before noon, the wait will be over. But until then, it’s driving me crazy. Will I get the job? I hope I do. I so desperately need it. My mom needs it. We need it. We need the money… I’d like to have extra spending money, as well. It’s really just one of those things that ruins everything else. Makes a good day turn bad… not knowing the outcome.

I don’t understand why I grow so impatient. I’m supposed to be optimistic, but I find that sometimes, my optimism brings more confusion than if I’m simply neutral about the issue at hand… The issue at hand is what everything revolves around in today’s society–money. It’s very painful to avoid the topic wherever I go, whatever I do; I can never stop thinking about money. I feel greedy– I want to hold a nice, thick stack of 100-dollar bills. Not just one, but ten of them, from my last paycheck. I want to feel the power that I haven’t had for so long. I want to be bringing home the bacon, and not just scrounging around for some in our fridge. I want to actually be a man.

I want to be useful, productive, strong. I want to be everything, at times, that it seems impossible for me to reach. It’s just one of those things that makes the pressure seem so immense that I’m not moving anywhere, like being trapped in a pathetic bubble of gum, unable to move anywhere. I may stretch the bubble out, but it won’t pop–not for me, not yet. Not till Friday at noon…

In case you haven’t noticed, I actually put together a new MySpace layout. It wasn’t made entirely from scratch, but it’s a design I really like and plan to stick with for a while. It’s very clean, simple, and neat, and I imagine I will be putting and changing the background to have a picture to suit my needs, moods, and feelings. Check it out for yourself: http://myspace.com/drnx …

I’m also trying to lose the weight I put on since mid-2005 and trying to go even lower than that. It’s another 40 lbs. till I’m where I want to be, but at 10 lbs. a month, I’ll be more than set for the trip to California I’m planning with my friends this summer. Want to come along?! I’ll take as many people as two or three cars can hold. I’m getting a new car (hopefully a Gallant Ralliart… or a Jetta) so people won’t feel so squished the way they do in my present vehicle, a 2005 Nissan Sentra 1.8S.

Granted, it is just a MySpace, and it may say simple things, but these simple things mean more to me than you can imagine. A lot of things and people mean more to me than you can imagine. But that’s all for another blog entry. Take care everyone, and enjoy my new MySpace.

P.S. I’ll be keeping everyone updated at least once a month on how my weight loss is going. I’m not going to say how much I weigh now, nor my target weight, until I’m within 10 lbs. of it!

P.P.S. My trip to Cali and Vegas will have a much more thorough blog entry regarding unofficial dates, things to do, places to see, etc. And yes, we are definitely drinking, and yes, we are definitely gambling. K THNX.

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language. How Tasteful!

This may confuse you at first, but as you read it, you’ll hopefully understand what the difference is from how I was just last week, and months ago, to now. Enjoy!

Consider this. You are at home, enjoying some music. You message your friend asking if he would like to hang out. He says “Sure, why not?” You say, “Great!” and add it to your Google Calendar. All right, maybe you’re not this nerdy, but you make a mental note of the occasion. You’re all excited, and then as you’re still online about thirty minutes later, your friend says that unfortunately he cannot spend time with you because of unforeseen circumstances. Basically, he can’t hang out. “That sucks” is your reply, and he goes on about his newly scheduled business. Basically, he goes on with the crap he has to do that he doesn’t want to do. You go back to your music and MySpace-ing. See? I told you I was talking about YOU!

All right. So why did I give this cheesy example? Simple! It is because I wouldn’t have been able to do this not even a week ago… I want to let everyone in on a little secret…

Aside from being bi-polar (unanticipated secret #1?!) and needing to take medicine for mood stabilization and ADD [attention-deficit disorder] (secret two, anyone?), I also take medicine for a very, very mild form of psychizophrenia. But don’t go hiding from me now, because all these medicines have finally clicked in and arrived at a wonderful unison. Basically, they all fuckin’ work, finally. So that means that I can go out in public and not feel like everyone’s staring at me while also feeling the urge to talk to everyone and tell my life story while not realizing they don’t care and then get angry at them. In order from left to right, that’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is mild psychizophrenia, very mild that it just called OCD instead; ADD; then bi-polar disorder when my mood randomly switches from hot to cold by small events that would seem relatively uneventful to someone else.

Relatively… uneventful. Now is it making sense? I hope so.

Basically, I can enjoy going out or staying at home, and that is something I was never able to do. Whenever I sat at home, I couldn’t just be myself and enjoy my own company, like many people can do. But, now, I finally can, and it feels really nice, because remember the thing about hanging out? Yeah, that happened to me yesterday. And I didn’t mind.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a bad thing, for people who are social, friendly, and open to meeting new people. Do these qualities describe you? If so, then we’ll get along fine. However, if you are negative, a pain in the ass, antisocial, or a mix of these, also known as how I used to be, then I’m sorry, my ex-friend, but it seems like we will no longer be compatible. It’s really heart-breaking that I have to say that, because I know a lot of my friendships are going to be swapped around and out, as they have been lately, but that’s how life is. The only constant is change, said by Jose Jimenez, and probably 20,000 other people on this glorious earth.

I was explaining this to Javier, and went through the fundamentals of why I feel this change and how I know it happened. I did catch myself before I confused both of us too much, and so I’m going to give a brief breakdown of how I know this is different. I’m not going to give too many details, but I want everyone to have a fair understanding of what’s going on. Basically, I’m going to rep’ who I am now. Aiight?! Aiight. Here’s how it be.

A few days ago, I started feeling differently. I wasn’t bothered by little things. I started driving slower. I wasn’t in a rush all over the place. I stopped getting randomly pissed off… It all clicked. I was normal. I am normal, and it feels nice.

Some of you may not understand… but I am who I have always wanted to be. Granted, I have a few extra pounds on me, and my hair’s curlier than I’d like it to be, but inside, it’s me, and that’s who I want to be. It’s a crazy development that finally took place after many years of being negative and hateful, but I’m ready to be part of the real world.

Simply put, the types of people that I’m drawn to now aren’t the same as before. The people I like talking to now are friendly and open-minded… This was different from before. I don’t mind anyone who disagrees with me. I don’t mind people who choose to live their life the way they want to, as long as they let me live mine the way I want to. Welcome to Normality, and here’s a cheers to all of us who truly live it.

I’m happy I can finally be me. There’s no imitation now. No more waiting… It’s all me, now. For real. Aiight?! Aiight.

P.S. Hope that cleared it up, Javier. Heh.

After all the emotions I’ve put myself and others through this week, I thought I would acknowledge this bulletin because it does sort of relate to how I feel about things. I imagine this will be the post that is one or two away from the last post of today. Without further ado, enjoy an excessively rhyming poem…

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
“Oh excuse me please” was my reply.

He said, “Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.”

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
“Move out of the way,” I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God’s still small voice came to me and said,

“While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You’ll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.”

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
“Wake up, little one, wake up,” I said.

“Are these the flowers you picked for me?”
He smiled, “I found ‘em, out by the tree.

I picked ‘em because they’re pretty like you.
I knew you’d like ‘em, especially the blue.”

I said, “Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.”
He said, “Oh, Mom, that’s okay.
I love you anyway.”

I said, “Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.”

—

Thanks to… whoever came up with that.

The closing for it relates to family, but I consider my friends my family, and my family… well, barely family. Time for a doctor’s visit… Till later.