edward fox’s reality

Yess kiddo thanks for making me a account!

yay and the last comment was better sucks that I didnt save it!

i also wish you all of luck with mr.daniel!

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Editor’s Note: This post was written by Chris C. Check his MySpace out; find the link on the right of this entry.

I guess the best category for this blog entry would be “life,” right? :]

I am happy to report that I am, er, happy, and it’s all because of Daniel.
It’s pretty great how life can be!

Daniel makes me happy. I can’t wait till I can see him this weekend!
:]

Just thought I’d update everyone!

That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m not really sure what’s going on. Being clueless is fruitless, but it’s all about that damned DVD scene from two posts ago.

Right now, I want to step away from my life, and live as someone else. I don’t feel like I’m worth anything at the moment. It sucks pretty hard.

That’s why I’m begging to come across a fast-forward button for the world around me… But that won’t happen. I’m just hoping the future will be better than the past.

Yep, let’s hope…

Life, it’s killing me.

 Rated TV-PG for Mature Language. Hooray, right?

Now that you’ve read that language warning, I can give you the whole title of what I was going to write as the subject: “Trapped in Shit.” That’s what it feels like sometimes, when everything feels like it is not going my way. For the moment, it isn’t. I feel like I have failed. FAILURE = ME. Woe is me, and all that other depressing shit. Oh well? Oh well.

I know that sometimes life is not the way you want it to be, but I just wish it wouldn’t all come falling down on me, or at least have the illusion that the world is ending. Is it? It feels like it. I know it isn’t, but that doesn’t change how I feel. Even when you know you’ll survive that surgery, it still freaks you out to go into the operating room to begin with, doesn’t it?

Life is like that sometimes. As my [old] psychiatrist once put it, “The brain has a natural ebb and flow to it”… I guess life would be like that, too. I just want more happy ebb and less painful flow.

It’s amazing how one event can just snowball into a disaster. I don’t like winter anymore. Where’s Spring?…

—

That would have been a beautiful ending. Alas, it was too emo. I’m not really feeling that emo. I just want things to go my way. They do, sometimes, but not usually, and that bothers me. I guess I can’t be too greedy. I should just wait for the good part of the movie… that next DVD scene I’ve been longing for. Yep, that’s the stuff right there.

Ever gone to a restaurant where they had fortune cookies? Of course you have. I thought these cookies’ messages, however, were particularly meaningful. Have a look for yourself!

This was what I was presented with from two separate fortune cookies, while sitting next to the great guy I’m dating, Danii! [B] [MS] I had never opened a fortune cookie with any message like that, let alone two of them in a row. I don’t know… maybe it means something. I’d like to think so! :]

It’s always great hanging out with Danii. You never know what’s going to happen next, and he’s so relaxed and laid back that I’m comfortable with whatever happens (or doesn’t).

Life is what it is, and it’s what we make of it. Sometimes, you have to take risks. You have to believe that maybe there’s someone trying to tell you something, and that something may be real. Maybe this is what we’ve hoped for all along…

<3 you Danii!

Also, something too cool to take note of…There’s only one number in common on both fortune cookies, Danii’s age! :] Cool…

Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey once said, “Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.”

If I was to hate time ever, this would definitely be one of the best moments to do so.

I’ve lost a lot. I’ve lost a lot of important people. They’ve left my life for reasons unbenknownst to me. And, I hate to say it, but, I miss the past… I really do.
“Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn.” – Delmore Schwartz

I’ve gained a lot, but I’ve lost a lot as well. I’ve been disappointed with the major life paths I have chosen. I’ve messed up… and I am not happy about it.

Hopefully I’ll fix it all with time.

Damn, where did the time go?…

First, let’s get the important stuff out first. The blog now has a new feature (requested by one very loyal reader and awesome friend) so that you can post private comments, or essentially, submit a comment that only I can read. If you are logged in, you can also choose other registered users to have your comment sent to, but if you don’t have an account, that’s OK– I’ll be the only one who can have access/be able to see your comment/message. Pretty neat, huh? Hope you like it!

So right now, I’m past my one-month anniversary here at my job at the corporate office of Mission Foods/GRUMA Corp. It actually isn’t that bad of a job. I never, ever, ever run out of work to do, and my desk is near a window! I’m quite satisfied here. I just wish I wasn’t a temp. That would be nice… I would have a little more job stability. I wouldn’t worry (but not nearly as much before) about whether I’m going to get a call on my way home saying my “assignment has finished” or something similar. But I’m enjoying it while it lasts, and as Danniiiii pointed out, there’s no point in worrying over things that probably won’t happen; all the more reason to rejoice!

Well, I’m about to get out of work now… and head home. Rush hour traffic = Shit. I’ll write more tonight. Or later. Later!

Better yet, what makes life, life? What transforms us just being here into something worth experiencing?

I’ve been having a rather large problem with this lately, and it’s starting to dig deep into me. I have conflicts with money, people, money, relationships, friendships, other -ships, more money, and stress from every direction… but then again, whose life doesn’t have at least a few of these?

It’s just that mine seem to be really amplified, a lot worse than what other people are going through. Am I just being exaggerative? I don’t think I am. I don’t want to be. I want my problems to go away… but it doesn’t seem like they are improving. They just seem to be getting bigger and bigger… Hopefully the right people will notice what I’m saying here. I need help from you…

Do you like how I got straight to the point there? Well, even though I did, I chose a word that most people (including myself until ten minutes ago) aren’t familiar with: inutile. Sounds like futile, or… ceramic tile. But that’s beyond the point. The point is that I feel useless and it really, really sucks.

For the moment, I really have no close friends. I used to have just the right number of friends, but now, it feels like I have no one that I can share my most pathetic feelings with, and it hurts.

I don’t know why it hurts. Perhaps, as James told me, we are supposed to keep our sadness to ourselves. I’m not exactly sure on that one, but all I know is that this sadness is really getting to me. Maybe I’ll get some help for it around 3:30PM today. We’ll see, we’ll see…

Thank you for being here for me…

For those who aren’t here for me, but want to be… thank you.

For those who are temporarily not part of my life right now, you’re still in my thoughts. Don’t forget that.

Life is just so difficult sometimes. Why does it have to be? I thought life would get easier as you learned more. Ignorance is still Ace. Dammit.

For the original, inspiring blog entry, please click here: (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=68694875&blogID=242742638)

I guess people are different.

When people meet me, they expect someone serious and boring… and maybe I am.

They expect me to understand everything, but I don’t.

I don’t even understand myself.

They take advantage of me, always have, always will,

but I guess it gives me a purpose.

I may come off as disrespectful,

but I don’t try to be.

I guess people just have issues with me.

I can’t control my emotions sometimes, and I’m just me.

I am not the most social person, but I try to be.

What do people want me for? I can’t find a reason as to why anyone would bother talking to me most of the time…

Money doesn’t mean anything to me, expensive vehicles don’t mean anything to me. I just search for solace.

Maybe I already found that person, who could give me this, but I lost them…

Maybe that’s not enough…

Maybe I’m not enough.

All I am certain of, is that is enough for now.

—

Peter, I love you… No matter how many times I may act fucked up, confused, emotionally unstable, angry, disoriented, confused, pissed… it’s me.

—

“Patience” by Take That
To listen to this song, go to my MySpace page.

Just have a little patience

I’m still hurting from a love I lost,
I’m feeling your frustration.
That in any minute all the pain will stop.
Just hold me close, inside, your arms, tonight,
don’t be too hard on my emotions

(Chorus)
‘Cause I, need time.
My heart is numb, has no feeling.
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation.
The one that I can always depend.

I’ll try to be strong. Believe me,
I’m trying to move on,
It’s complicated but understand me.

‘Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience, yeah
have a little patience, yeah

‘Cause the scars run so deep,
It’s been hard,
But I have to believe.

Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,

Woah, Cause I, I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,
have a little patience,

My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little… Patience