If you have a crappy computer or a shitty monitor, feel free to ignore this blog entry, as you won’t be able to appreciate the full awesomeness of the apparel I am about to present you with. If you do, and you’re not a broke ass, continue to enjoy this entry.
So I’m a fat, obese fuck. Oh, some of you think I’m exaggerating. I am being completely serious and medically accurate. I used to be at a BMI as low as 24.5, which is still borderline on being overweight (not to be confused with a BMI of >30, which is considered obese, and >35, which is extremely obese)… my BMI has shot up to ~31.5 within two and a half years, and that is sick, literally.
I know I take a lot of pictures that make me seem slimmer than I really am, and honestly, if you all thought I was fat at all in some of my other pictures, you guys were too stuck-up, even for me. I weighed 40-65 lbs. less in some of my older pictures, and I want to get down to that weight, and lower, way lower. I know that I will never be a twig– I don’t plan on wanting to be. I am not a femm; I am a straight-acting guy and I don’t need to slim down to fit in girl jeans. I want to look hawt, and to me, not wearing clothes meant for your gender (unless there’s some hawt shirt which could pass off as a guy’s shirt, too) is not attractive at all in my book. I feel sorry for your genitals, silly boys with tiny balls.
So I found inspiration to correct this health and emotional issue. That’s right — there’s not one minute of every day that I don’t think about my weight. I don’t understand how extremely overweight/obese people can feel comfortable and continue to eat unhealthy food. That said, I no longer eat fast food. I will eat out once a week or every other week, but that is an extreme reduction compared to how I used to eat. I used to eat a nice greasy breakfast (which isn’t bad seeing as your metabolism is highest in the morning and gets it started early). I’d follow that up with a decent lunch from never just one fast food joint– usually two. I would hit up McDonald’s for two or three burgers (no joke), and then go to Taco Bell for a few tacos and nachos. Sick, eh? Dinner usually ended up being served up by Taco Bell and McDonald’s again. Totally sick. I saw Supersize Me but it apparently didn’t get to me much.
So. What will?
I am grateful for Comedy Central. This will be the first, and probably only, time which I will say such a ludicrous thing. I received my entire value from it, though, when I was watching George Lopez. He was pretty entertaining tonight, sans his obnoxious stereotypes of Mexicans and crackers, but then he was followed up by a morbidly obese Hispanic which caught my attention. He was featured on MySpace secret stand-ups (comedians) and once again, he was invading my life, and perhaps this happened for a reason. Presenting, the extremely greasy, fat, disgusting, filthy bastard known as Gabriel Iglesias:
Don’t get me wrong– I enjoyed his comedy, but for someone that huge to refer himself as “fluffy” is just sick. He’s not fluffy– he’s fucked up. There wasn’t a five-second period during the entire two-hour show that I didn’t think about his weight and how unhealthy this poor bastard must be…
He is now my source of extreme inspiration for weight loss. When I have reached my final goal (yet to be determined), I’ll write him a long letter, along with photos I will have taken along the way to my success, showing him that he can live a healthier life as well.
That said…
In the coming blogs, I will present my favorite clothing and accessories from my favorite design label, Diesel. I’m sorry that I am not a slave to Prada, D&G, or A&F. These brands irritate me, and are such clichés. I am grateful that I have better taste than those mentioned. To inspire me and others, I will be giving a new selection of clothing articles in each volume/edition of this series. Each selection will remind me to contribute to what I now call my Diesel Clothing Fund, and you are more than welcome to contribute, seeing as each set of 3 items will cost around $500 on average. This is an extreme goal, and this will be extreme weight loss.
I will be carrying around a picture of that fat greasy bastard, and may build my selection as time goes on. There are two very obese co-workers at my current job, and whenever I get a new phone with a working camera, I will take pictures and save them for easy access wherever I am, whenever I have an urge to gorge myself as I so often did and still somewhat do. It’s time for me to take control of the only part of me that upsets me.
I enjoy being a pretentious twit. I enjoy being selfish. I enjoy being a fucker. I enjoy the way I am. I enjoy being able to speak out. I like having an amazing speaking voice that some people mistake for apathy. I love not having to have sex with everyone to feel good about myself. I love still being able to appreciate the rest of me even though I don’t look fantastic on the outside. I long for the day that my current skills of being a bastard, fucker, bitch, come to equality with the outside me. Of course, you guys will love me then, because more attractive people get to be twits.
My plans are basically making more money by doing web design. This will be a lot easier once the economy improves (at least a little bit). I also look forward to perhaps moving up to a better position within the next year or two at my job, perhaps to the IT department. It would be nice to boost my salary by 125%, right? Ah, dreams, dreams. Let’s make this shit a reality. Whether you support me or not, I’ll be moving forward. I’d prefer if you don’t support me — it’ll make this shit a lot easier.
The only people that I know will support me every hour of every day are Eric and James. The rest of you can do as you please. Feel free to take this advice and mold it to your own liking. If anyone has any other supportive ideas, feel free to let me in on it! If it works well for me, I’ll be more than happy to give you a gift card to any restaurant or retail store of your choice ranging in various dollar amounts. I look forward to your ideas, and I hope you look forward to my continuing series, and next time, I’ll be providing more enticing pictures– I promise.
Here’s one pretentious prick signing off for tonight. I love you Eric, always. You will always be my brother. I love you, James, though you won’t see this for God knows how long. You’ll always be my boy.
Today I am in a better mood than usual. I’m sure there’s at least one person (or commenter that understands why. Things just seem to be looking up.
I’m really grateful for the people in my life, especially for the people that have always been there for me.
So now that I’ve let you all know I’m in a good mood, here’s some entertainment for you. If you like Bush, look away… but odds are in my favor. =]
This one just makes me smile. Hah. Silly turkey. There’s nothing in there for you.
Read the bottom headline. Oh yeah, we all agree on this one. I’m sure they didn’t intend it to read that Bush is the worst disaster, but, you get the idea.
How Come They Can’t Hear Me?… [Note which end of the phone is up :)]
Haha. Hope everyone has a great Friday! Love ya’ll! (You know, the people I love.
Please don’t think I’m not religious, because I do believe in a higher power that created us, and that there is a higher power that can help us through difficult times and performs miracles, but sometimes, I think certain public figures overstep their boundaries. This e-mail was just too funny to pass up and post on my blog. Again, don’t get the wrong idea. I believe in morals and all that, but sometimes, I wonder how people can support everything the Bible says, but only when… convenient.
Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She recently said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
Homer Simpson-Caldwell
—End E-Mail Message—
I couldn’t pass up this one… I had to pass it on. Happy Holidays!
P.S. Hope everyone is enjoying my cheesy holiday theme! =]
This is a “Trash Entry“. It’s entirely useless and serves no value, but is moderately informative, so I’ll let it live so you can suffer through a pointless ensemble of complaints with information twisted into the end.
Rated “T” for Trash.
As you have most inevitably been informed by your co-worker, friend, teacher(s), bosses, family members, news, news, and … oh, the news, too, there is a WINTER BLAST headed STRAIGHT FOR US! Head for the hills, head for your cars, head for your homes! Old Man Winter is a-comin’ and he’s a-comin’ for you.
But seriously… How far is too far? How whiny is too whiny? How freaked out is too… freaked out? When will these rhetorical questions stop and the madness begin?!!?!??!?!…….. Uhm… Let’s see…
Now.
This is one of those blog entries where I act like a friendly moron, so if you were looking for something intelligent/insightful/other fancy “I” words here… look forward to my next blog entry, arriving tomorrow.
I was amazed that in most of my classes, at least 5-25% of the class time was taken up by talking about how cold and dangerous it’s going to be, as if we’re all newborns just emerging from the womb, just being exposed to the harshness of the elements of nature. Do we really need to be reminded so thoroughly, by everyone? People act like it’s the Apocalypse.
I am being a bit sarcastic, though. In Texas, it’s rare that we have to face such harsh, cold temperatures. To some, a high of 35F is just another day of winter, particularly those up North.
The cold weather does pose a number of unidentified-by-most threats that you should consider. Be careful with the roadways. Tomorrow isn’t much of an issue, but Friday will be. Also, make sure your pipes are all patched up and faucets near windows should be left to drip slowly… but you already know this, I’m sure…
—
HtCdAc: lunch is @ 10:55
r3h l4x: that works ;p
HtCdAc: w00tle snakes
r3h l4x: k ill show up early this time
r3h l4x: instead of 5 mins late ^_^
HtCdAc: ;p
HtCdAc: it was 10 >_>
HtCdAc: <_<
HtCdAc: lol
HtCdAc: ;p
r3h l4x: lol
r3h l4x: 8!
r3h l4x: do we hear 9?
r3h l4x: jk ;p
HtCdAc: LMFAO
HtCdAc: you nerd
—part two—
HtCdAc: ahhh
HtCdAc: it feels so good being able to get it
HtCdAc:
r3h l4x: you’re sick.
r3h l4x: lol jk
HtCdAc: LMAO
HtCdAc: hawt
—
This ends a classically pointless blog entry.
Sometimes, we need a few jokes to liven the holidays up. Thankfully, halloween has the biggest collection of puns over any other holiday in history. So enjoy this friendly collection of jokes that all ages can enjoy.
that understands why. Things just seem to be looking up.
 Rated TV-14 for Controversial Topics.
Rated “T” for Trash.
Rated G, and suitable for all ages.