edward fox's reality

Today was nice, quite nice. Details are not necessary, but one knows when they feel like a day was nice. Entirely satisfying, going on without any problems. Everything was perfect.

So, that word, perfect, what’s that about, anyway? Is it overused?… Exaggerated?

I don’t know.

Things change really quick. We don’t know when things will be evolved into something else, or gone completely. I was telling Jose, as we sat on the front steps of his house as the clouds were above us, the wind was cool, and the temperature was perfect… things change too quickly. I cannot always enjoy all the moments I want to… all the times that make life worth living. What’s come of it? I’ve lived 19 years, more than 19 years of confusion, happiness, accomplishments, failures, love… there are so few things to show for it. We take pictures, then store the pictures forever, never to be shown again.

Everything we want, we want it new… We cannot enjoy the old anymore. I find myself disgusted by how I get tired of things so quickly. Why is that? Is it because life moves too quickly? Do we make it move too quickly? Do others? Am I asking too many questions in a row without providing answers?…

I’m not here to give you answers. My blog is designed to help you think, make your mind move a bit. We’re in a tragic state, and each year, we progress into an era of Unthinkers. We don’t want to think deeply into anything for fear that we may learn something, something we didn’t want to know, or something that may make our lives just that much more difficult.

When we were children, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER posters were all over my classrooms, each year, up until eighth grade. Wonder who made those blasted posters–got sick of the same motivational messages over and over… maybe because we just surround ourselves with these messages, these odd, philosophical, deep messages… but cannot interpret them for ourselves.

We always expect things to be fed to us on a plate, because we are quite good at consuming. But what are we producing?

All right, sidetracked a bit.

I like change, but sometimes, I wish things stayed the same. I wish every night was like tonight, calm and relaxing… no tension, no worries. That isn’t how life is, though. We wouldn’t advance… Maybe that’s what we need, or what we think we need. Who knows. I wish I knew less.

Knowledge is Confusing.

Ignorance is Bliss.

The first line was a mistake with a broken link. It had nothing to do with the post… Oops. Numerous typos were also just fixed…

  Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Reality.

There’s a track that I’ve uploaded to describe my mood during this post.
Blog’s Track: Secret Garden – Sleepsong
At the end of the post, I’ll mention why I chose this song.

Here’s tonight’s topic. I thought I’d save me some time and .000001% of my grief that I’m feeling right now and trying not to add to it:

Intelligence Boi: my sad music CD doesn’t help me either
Intelligence Boi: =/
Intelligence Boi: i just feel all alone
Intelligence Boi: I hate that feeling
Intelligence Boi: I HATE IT
Intelligence Boi: I totally depend on others
Intelligence Boi: GOD
Intelligence Boi: >_<
Intelligence Boi: and here I was
Intelligence Boi: thinking I was independent
Intelligence Boi: independent, what a fucking joke.

But first, a word from my sponsor, the brain.

My mind is so unclear right now… I’m the one who should have his screen name. From the beginning, I was so confused… I thought he wouldn’t like me enough, wouldn’t love me enough. I realized that he did, and our love continued to grow, and grow… That burst one day, the big bubble of happiness… but the bubble of love, I have hurt that… I poked it with a pin, but I hope it won’t pop. Sounds like a dumb analogy… but at least I know I am really thinking for once.

I keep running that night through my head. What was wrong with me? I deserve what was coming to me… He never did. EVER.

I’m going to stop being so emotional now. Before I do, that, though, I really would like to express genuinely raw emotions without fancying them up. Fancying? Oh well… Here we go.

I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. Not really, but I wish that if I hurt myself that his pain would dissipate… that this event would be forgotten. I don’t want it to be completely forgotten, because I want to change so much, but it’s just so hard because I am so easily manipulated… Admitting to something is the first step towards healing, or so psychologists say. Here are a few things I have discovered… as if you didn’t already know, but I need to mention them anyway:

• Sensitivity: I’m way too effing sensitive to situations, what people say, and what I’m doing.
• Fun: I never seem to want to have fun. What’s up with that? LOSER.
• Bullshit: Out of my mouth, everything but the truth comes out… I’m just so afraid to let myself hurt… Goodness.
• Relaxing: I can’t just chill out at all. Something’s always bothering me… but now I deserve it more than ever.

I honestly don’t know what happened Tuesday. It feels like it happened so long ago and that I’ve been hurting him forever. I hate this so much… I just want to talk to him… I know everything is not okay… but I just wish that our past would be weighted more evenly… It took so much to build up our trust, love, and affection… and I tore it all down. I just can’t stop running it through my head… but I know that the situation won’t improve at all if I do that…

I want _you_ to know that I never intended for this to happen, Jose… My mind wasn’t connected to my conscience and in touch with my emotions at all. I just thought that saying all that would release you as a boyfriend from me… until then, I felt we were still dating… even though it had ended. My heart felt otherwise. I just wanted something to help me detach from that because I was in a false state of happiness with someone else… and I know it was wrong, but I felt there was nothing else that I could do…

You totally understood me. Everything you said about me was true. LOOK WHAT I DID TO YOU. I have a complete lack of love for people… I hurt the best person in the world and I mean that with everything that I am… If I could erase what happened, I would… if I could apologize for all the things I did wrong to you, and have them change how you felt and how you do feel, I would do that in a split of a second. I just don’t know what to do…

I know you need your space… I know… You always needed space, breathing room… I never took the time to understood you…

All those things I said about you were only about me. That’s why I was so confused. I was the one who did everything wrong… I know I made you happy, but I know I messed up… and I really need to start thinking… as in, thinking, and thinking about what I’m doing, but at the same time not thinking too deeply into it… That would have prevented all of this. ALL OF IT… I would love nothing more, but now I simply have to hope for the best in the future.

Maybe it seems like I’m obsessed… but I’m just very attached to you, emotionally, Jose… There are three things driving the way I am acting:

1. I want you to stop hurting. I don’t want you to feel pain, and I want you to know that I care… more than anyone ever will, despite my words… I hope my actions will show you [and have shown you] that this is true.
2. I want to give you space. I know you need to take a break from me, but I just don’t want you to simply let go of me… I would not be able to handle that. Ever.
3. I am finally ready to improve. I am done with doing things for other people… Look what happened when I let others drive me mad, when I let someone else act as if they were good for me. I need to work on myself. I know that you need space, but I hope that we will be able to talk so that you can see that I really am trying to improve… and it’s not for you… after what happened, it really is for me. It’s time for me to step up and get things done.

I need to stop trying to base my life on everyone else and what they are doing. I simply need to live my own life. However, Jose will never be out of my life, and that’s one promise I will keep, among others.

Jose, if you think I’m oblivious to my actions, please reconsider. I am aware of my thoughts now and my actions. My mind is finally open for learning and adaptation to reality and the world. You were the greatest example I ever had. I don’t want to lose that, Jose. I cannot lose you… I know that I need to be independent, because that would please you and it would please me… I know that’s what you wanted during our relationship–for me to grow and be myself and explore myself. YOU HELPED ME THROUGH IT ALL… and it hurts that I cannot help you now.

I need to relax… You are a strong guy… you will get through this, just like I will… I just hope that we will be friends again… or at least, that we can talk. Nothing would make me happier in life….

I had doubts about posting this blog… because I know you needed your space… It’s just so hard because I feel as if you are having to fend for yourself… I hope you aren’t. so much… I will be calmer in good time… I do need medicine, let’s face it… Let me just face reality. I NEED TO RELEASE MYSELF….

———————-
Earthsongs – Always There

When I’m less than I should be
And I just can’t face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can’t find my way
When my eyes don’t clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you raise me when I fall

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

When life brings me to my knees
When my back’s against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall
Though a burden I may be
You don’t weary, you don’t rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I’m heaven-blessed

———————-

Now that’s it’s the end…

Why did I choose that track? It’s so emo. It reminds me of how I really felt about him, and how all my thoughts of Jose were happy, always happy. It was just so perfect… I will not release him, ever, ever, for as long as I live, because I need him… I just hope he needs me…

“May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm” — Sleepsong

Failed… With time, all will mend, but my brain just works overtime in running through everything… most importantly, all the happy memories we shared… We cannot get rid of that… All of those were real. All of our emotions were genuine… NOTHING WAS WRONG! You were so perfect…

God, I must cry now….

Fuck me. I suck. I deserve to die, because it just hurts that much, so fucking much, that I could rip his heart apart without thinking. WHY DO I FUCK UP LIKE THIS? I SUCK!!!! I need to work on myself so fucking much, MY GOD. Everything he said was right… but I don’t feel like I am the worst person in the world… I am trying… and sometimes, I just try too hard…

P.S. I hope the Monster wasn’t too warm. :’(

P.P.S. I know I need to stop being emo, seriously… and I know that was one my biggest problems… that’s always caused conflict, so I’ll cut that…

P.P.P.S. I need to focus on myself more, hence my blog title… I want independence, but I will never want to let go of Jose… that is NEVER what I meant, Jose…

P.P.P.P.S. I deserve this. You never did… I’m glad I feel like shit, dirt. That’s what I am… I just hope that this will help me change so that this will never happen again. Your heart is so beautiful…

I just long for some form of contact with you… I know you need to breathe… and I will always trust you… Your mind knows what is best for me…

Until tomorrow……………………………………

I want to contact you somehow, so badly…

The Emo Half

Whoo.

My emotions are all over the chart. Up and down, and it seems like it has the same curve with the same events each day. When I don’t talk to Jose a lot, I feel my self-worth slipping, but it’s not because of anything except he gives me my boost of energy, and we didn’t really have a chance to talk today.

I just feel like I have too many damn problems, and that nothing is going my way… but then I think that I’m not a bad person. It’s just that recent events have caused me to think, “Am I worth anything?” … This is a horrible mindset, and I don’t feel it most of the time… It’s just times when I really miss things, but mostly it’s just hanging out and getting to see Jose, and yes, I’m saying it. I’m not just going to hold everything in all the time. I can’t do that… a lot…

Lyrics of the moment, Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie [click to listen: 32kbps mp3 while reading entry!]:

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Don’t you see baby asi es perfecto

Oh I won’t deny my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
The attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection

Of course, reality isn’t perfect, and I don’t mind it. I just cannot wait until I get put on medication. Lately, though, I’ve been really effing proud of myself because I said what I wanted to say freely… as in, the way I wanted to talk, not all nerdy and technical [I will always do that in my blog 'cept when I'm feelin' really ... crazy? ] like I normally had… and I like it. I’m just starting to enjoy life for the way it is.

I am finally starting to realize what my biggest problems are:

1. Feeling sorry for myself.
2. Being concerned about others instead of myself.
3. Putting too much into what others say.
4. Not relaxing.

These all hurt me equally with each passing hour this evening, and I am just so hoping that my medication will help with this constant anxiety [which is what the pills will be for]… once I can relax, I won’t mind most things and I’ll be able to actually interact with people freely. I know that I cannot rely just on medication, and will need to take control of myself. This will be the challenge. Controlling my emotions. Let’s hope for the best, please.

I want to be myself. I really do. There were a few things that hid me from being myself:

1. My attitude.
2. My negativity.
3. My anxiety.

Lately, I was trying to be something that I’m not… trying to listen to music I don’t like, like things that I don’t… and I realized, my personality is truly acceptable once I just open up… and that’s my biggest problem… I’ve been compensating for my downfalls by just trying to cover them up. It’s time to stop that. It’s time to start taking care of myself. I cannot take care of anyone else, truly take care of them [yes, He knows who he is] until I can heal myself, and understand why I do the things I do. I haven’t said anything negative, and I’ve been calmer, but I still miss that communication…

I rely on it. It’s a huge part of my life… and it makes me love the time we talk even more, but at times, I feel like it’s just so long and I just don’t know what to do… once my brain calms down, I will be so happy.

The main thing that I need to improve is this: Strengthen my positives, and weaken my negatives… Specifically, just be more outgoing, and not worry so much… not be jealous, or anything like that. It sounds hard but I need to be challenged. It’s time for me to start growing up. I’m sick of being stuck behind. I can’t wait until it all sticks… but other things need to happen, too, to keep me content, and keep me striving for the goal of being myself, freely, unedited. The real free me is not vulgar, or rude, or shy, but outgoing, caring, and respectful…

I just need to work on showing that… It will be a tough journey, but I have the best motivation ever…

Â

Â

Always.

<3

The Calm, Forward-Looking Half

Sometimes, I feel like I’m not other people. I don’t like the same things… I don’t act the same… then I realize… it’s because that isn’t me. I just want to promote myself… because if you look past the negative parts of me… there’s something good in there.

I want to talk more about my improving experiences… such as when I talk to people, and just talk to them, I feel better, and I feel myself. However, when I can’t always talk to them, I feel like I can’t make them feel better, but I need to focus on myself.

I have always underestimated my personality, but then, I have to ask myself a few good questions:

• How many people can truly walk up to a stranger and have a long-ass conversation with them?
• How many people keep friends even through the roughest of disagreements including extreme degradation?
• How many people can make a bad situation good?…

These sound simple, to most people, but can you pull that off? Make the saddest times seem optimistic? I can pull that off with ease, but I need to do it for myself. This is what I now believe:

• I know what I want, and I am determined to get it:
• More friends will be easy for me once I can simply act myself; it’s already working like I never thought it would before.
• I know I have a good, solid personality:
• Even through it all, Jose and many others found my personality to be relentless and withstanding any confusion or sadness. I would always shine through and be myself… True, before, I had many more issues bothering me, but my personality still had its advantages through it all. That’s what keeps me going.
• I know I have a sense of humor:
• Sometimes, I say stupid shit, but that’s just me being stupid, not me being me. I don’t even find that funny. Why do you think I didn’t laugh at it? Regardless, it’s become a lot easier to just analyze what I’m saying, and it takes next to no time at all.
• I know I am optimistic:
• Once my anxiety goes away, I know I will be free to truly act as I want to and helping myself will be even easier.

I feel that I get jealous over nothing way too often, and it just hurts me more. What’s the point? Nothing… So what’s the calm, forward-looking side of all this?

Through it all, I still feel I have a strong friendship with Jose. True, we talk less, but we talk more when it matters, and on the topics that matter. I just want to get to know him. My heart wants to get to know him, and I want to meet more people now than ever for any and every reason possible:

• To be able to share my personality with more people;
• To be able to hang out with more people;
• To know a more diverse pool of people!

I think the last bullet is the best part of it all. Who doesn’t want to meet more, cooler people? The people I know now rock, especially one person in particular, but that doesn’t mean I would mind meeting anyone new peeps at any time… In fact, I long to. Nothing would make me happier than being able to share thoughts, emotions, good times, and an “era of good feelings” with more people!

However, now comes my favorite part of this whole thing… Telling you that I am not just this deep, emotional, passionate, emo-istic person… Coming soon, I present thee with…

The Liberation: Thank You!

I so need this to happen. When I say liberation, I’m not referring to the past as far as memories, but the past as far as my failures, regrets, and the present as far as being able to not be the same. When this comes, you will see my entries switch from being reflective and philosophical to me just enjoying life…

I really do have one final emo-istic paragraph, though. I love that word. Emoistic. Now it’s a real word. Yay. [Can't believe Google pulled up 150+ listings for that word... dammit! ]

Jose… Never have I felt so strongly about getting to know you as a person. Purge the emotions that we have felt so strongly, never, but I am completely focused on getting to know you for you. There is no better time to, because all we may have is today, and I want to know that I did my best getting to know you. This is why I want to talk to you more, not because I want to make sure you are O.K., or because I am just lonely… It’s because I want to know all the cool, little things about you. Like when I call, and you say you’re playing your game, but you’re not just playing your game, you’re playing your game while lying down, because that’s just something you do that separates you from everyone else. What did you think I saw in you? A Difference From Everyone. I still see that difference and hear that difference whenever I speak to you… I’m not holding onto the past, I’m just longing to embrace the future in the present. Won’t you join me?

Won’t everyone join me, in helping me be a better person? It’s hard, but I need all of you to contribute! If you see me down, try to pick me up, but let me take care of me. If you think I’m trying to solve your problems for you, tell me to back off, unless you asked for help. Me taking care of myself is the first priority now, even though my emotions and heart are going against that important attribute of conversion. During this time, I will be going against everything I had done for years:

• Being judgmental;
• Resisting change;
• Moving slowly and procrastinating;
• Not exercising and staying in shape;
• Not caring about myself;
• Putting everyone before me;
• Pushing too much.

Pushing. Huh? I’m referring to me pushing either too hard and trying to make others push back… not in a bad BAD way, but in a way that puts people that i care about in an uncomfortable position. NOT COOL! I am sorry. I just need to relax and let things flow. If I just follow that, things will go great… I can’t wait…

I can’t wait.

Pre-First: Please click the entry header (above ^^^) to see all text PROPERLY FORMATTED! I can’t stress this enough. Thank you in advance! Â

First, let’s handle some business:
 [<< click me for important news!]

How about the calm after the storm?…

“My God, what a wonderful line!”

            -Blanche Devereaux, Golden Girls, referring to a quote she said after staying awake for more than two days straight and being extremely delusional while trying to write a romance novel.

Hah. I’m addicted to that crap. But, that really does bring along a few relevant points:

• Why don’t we look to the good that happens after the fact?Â
• I’m obsessed with the Golden Girls.Â
• I never realized I would love bullet-point-style writing so much.

All right, some of us must be asking, “what good that happens?” How can you possibly estimate goodness? Yes, I said goodness. Get over it. There’s a very hazy line, and you must have a clear, unbiased state of mind while trying to do this. So, let’s try a little exercise, and play a little event out, shall we?

You wrecked your mommy’s car… all right, this example is a little personal–moving on. Now, how can you possibly see the good in that? You can see the bad: she will be pissed, she will have to pay more money, she will now have a hard time trying to get you a car… oops. But, let’s see the good, if possible: she may let you drive her next car (my mother did), she may help you with car payments when you get your own if you are responsible and don’t get into more accidents… even if you do get a speeding ticket (needless to say, my mommy did).

So, the point I’m trying to make is, maybe there is good in everything that happens to us. Not to say that what happens to us is best, though. All too often, we don’t exactly know what we are doing, or we think we know what the outcome will be. But how can we possibly know that, by swatting this fly in this location, the rest of the world will live unhappily ever after, just like the TV show? We don’t know that, so we have to go on our past. Let our past shape our future, right? Eh. I’d like to think that’s true, but I don’t want to see it that way.

I want to let my past distinguish me from the present, and have the present shape my future.

At this time, I’m heavily working on the following areas:

• Weight Loss: I’ve been exercising and lifting weights. That kicks ass. And I just started this today, and I already feel 10x better!
• Attitude Adjustment: No longer am I starting needless arguments. I am trying to remain as cool as possible. Regardless of what problems I have, until I get the proper medication, it is still my responsibility to take control of myself, not others; we are all in control of ourselves, and that is what I need to learn most.
• Self Appreciation/Worth: This is seriously the most important of them all. The problem I had for years was simply not appreciating everything I had accomplished. In turn, I simply criticized myself more for the things I did not accomplish. Trying to constantly improve myself without complimenting myself proved to be deadly. Well, not deadly- I’m still here. But, nonetheless, it proved to hurt and hinder, and certainly not help.
• Self-Realism: This is a bit different than my own appreciation. This is being me, and representing what I am without infringing upon other’s rights to express themselves, as well. Why insult others if you don’t want to be insulted? Why correct them if you don’t want to be corrected?* It’s time to be me, and more importantly… [see next bullet]
• Social/Networking Skills: I need to be myself without hesitation. Once I get over the hurdle, or at least lower the hurdle height, of being negative or worrying about saying negative remarks, my conversational flow will be a lot easier, because then I will have much more time to listen to what people are saying around me, and then tune into what they have to say, and then I can expand my mind, because that’s something all of us want to do, right? [Editor's Note (that's me): That sentence has 73 words in it. Holy .... indeed.]

But, there’s still so much to learn, and explore. I have designated each day of the week to have a different focus for my mind. Though I will be trying to apply all of the following techniques equally, each day will have a unique emphasis, so that my mind isn’t so distracted by so many thoughts attempting to converge in this little brain of mine, causing even more confusion than I started off with. Observe (each day of the week is hidden to protect confidentiality of the treatment ):

• No Jealousy Day: Who cares? Other people are doing something. You are doing something else. Sure, what they are doing may be funner, but they can’t do it forever.
• Crush Negative Thoughts Day: ZAP! BAM! POOF! Get rid of all that shit that’s holding you back. It’s time to breathe easy today.
• Educate Me Day: Buy books, read ‘em, explore your world, venture out to where you never thought you could. Be free.
• Be Social/No Negative Thoughts Day: All right! You heard right. This is a day where I explicitly focus on getting to know new people. Of course, if I’m somewhere hanging out with someone on any day, and regardless of if I am at home, with someone, or out in public by myself, I will be attempting to just socialize with people. It’s something I do, but I don’t make enough of an effort. I just need to open up my arms and find people who I can connect with. Yep yep!
• ??? Day: This is a mystery day! Anything goes here! It’s also because I didn’t fill in anything on this day in my planner. Oh, I got it! Let’s call this Social/Organize It/Catch-Up Day! I will catch up on all the things that need attending to, such as some schoolwork, studying, projects, or clean my room, organize files on my computer, or just go out and have a good time if work allows. [That's a pretty vague hint as to what each day is...]
• Chill Day: Yeah, I need to have a day to just kick back. I’m sure that will rarely happen on this day, though–work ensues. [Bigger hint...] I will still be smiling to keep me, and you, happy.
• No Jealousy Day: You heard right! Another No Jealousy Day. Why be jealous of other people, if they’re not you? Once I am able to enjoy myself, jealousy will disappear, because I will know I am worthy.

So, let’s sum this entry up. I am hoping to love myself a lot more, and of course, if I don’t love myself, I won’t be able to love or care for others. That was my mistake in the past. I tried to rush through it all, and I regret it. That is the only thing I regret, and I am already making so much improvement, and I have you to thank. Enough sappiness.

SHOUTOUTZ SECTION, PART DEUX. [I love saying "Part Two" in.. French? Yeah.]

• Chris: You were great today. Lunch kicked ass. Thank you for telling me the truth about how you think I can improve! You’re a great best friend, C-Cisco
• Jose: You are awesome. You know you are. I just love talking to you as a person more and more… why I didn’t realize this sooner, I regret, but that is no longer. We live now, and the future awaits!
• Vince: OK. Thanks for calling me randomly That was cool. HAHA. You freaked the crap out of me anyway, though.
• Becky: Come on, girl! Show some love for Sara! She’s all right (:
• Jose:Â You are awesome. You know you are. I had to repeat that. Lmao.
• Zack: You’re still my best friend You know that. We just don’t talk even 20% as much! What’s up wit dat?!

Did you want to be mentioned? If so, become my friend, and mean something to me. Though everyone does, you have to make a truly special impact on my life… and all it may take is a simple “Hello” in my direction. Enjoy the present. Your future depends on it. Out.

*Few people have the right to do this. You know who you are. Correct me all you want–I look forward to it.

Note: It looks better if you click the title “Wake-Up Call!”, so that all the formatting is properly displayed.

It’s time… It’s been time. I just feel like I’ve disappointed myself. Perhaps, it’s just because of what I’m going through right now, but I honestly don’t think that’s really why. There are other issues that have been uncovered because of the recent events over the past few days. Certainly, Jose has not caused how I feel. Funny that I say that, but that’s how life is. For now, it’s over, and I am learning to accept that. Life goes on, though. He’s still my best friend, no matter what, and I will definitely be focusing much more on our friendship and finding new ways to become closer to him so that I can entertain him even more.

Not only that, but that is going to happen with other people as well… I want to embrace the people I am friends with already, but I know I am an interesting person. I just need to figure out when to express that, how, and how often.

I just find everything weird… I always feel like things are happening at the wrong time for the wrong reason, but is that really what is happening? Is it? It just makes me appreciate what we had, but I appreciate what we have now even more because it is the present, and of course, there is nothing like the present. The more I think about it, the more pleased I am, because I know I have the energy in me to change, because I need to be a better person than I am. For years, I’ve gone against what I truly wanted to do, but I’m going to do it. There are so many things I need to work on, but for now, I’ll make a brief list as to what I want to change. I don’t expect these things to happen immediately, especially on some of them, but I want to make a promise with myself and to the people who care about me that I will work on them as best I can. Consider it a personal reconstruction:

• Appearance: Take more control of my hair (facial and head ), care more about how I look so that I can feel better about myself, and more confident in any situation;
• Physical: Lose weight. Goodness. Clear up my face. Get muscles. Get abs
• Attitude: Reduce negative statements. Eliminate hesitation to do things I want to do. Just attempt to enjoy life while getting things I need to get done, done. To not always be in control and not always be in the center of things.
• Thought Process: Stop thinking so negatively. Realize that people are generally good, and apply this daily, every second. Be more outgoing, just for the hell of it. That’s all. For the hell of it. That’s the whole point. Consider myself before others. Be selfish, but not self-centered.

At times, it’s hard to consider that I need to improve upon all this, but unfortunately, I am brought into the next category of improvement which must occur.

Medication for the Following. My physician believes that I have the first two categories that may require treatment, but as for the third listed, he thinks it is questionable at this time:

• Mild Depression: In mild depression a person’s mood is low. This depressed mood is usually triggered by an identifiable event or stressor that occurred in the previous few months. It is a very common experience, in general, and is also common among university students who are often exposed to various stressors.
• Anxiety Disorder: The essential characteristic of Generalized Anxiety Disorder is excessive uncontrollable worry about everyday things. This constant worry affects daily functioning and can cause physical symptoms. GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)Â can occur with other anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, or substance abuse. GAD is often difficult to diagnose because it lacks some of the dramatic symptoms, such as unprovoked Panic Attacks, that are seen with other anxiety disorders; for a diagnosis to be made, worry must be present more days than not for at least 6 months. The focus of GAD worry can shift, usually focusing on issues like job, finances, health of both self and family; but it can also include more mundane issues such as, chores, car repairs and being late for appointments. The intensity, duration and frequency of the worry are disproportionate to the issue and interferes with the sufferer’s performance of tasks and ability to concentrate.
• Attention Deficit Disorder: According to the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) some common symptoms of ADHD include: often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes; often has difficulty sustaining attention to tasks; often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly; often fails to follow instructions carefully and completely; losing or forgetting important things; feeling restless, often fidgeting with hands or feet, or squirming; running or climbing excessively; often talks excessively; often blurts out answers before hearing the whole question; often has difficulty awaiting turn. AD/HD is a diagnosis applied to children and adults who consistently display certain characteristic behaviors over a period of time. The most common core features include:
• distractibility (poor sustained attention to tasks)
• impulsivity (impaired impulse control and delay of gratification)
• hyperactivity (excessive activity and physical restlessness)

Now, it is about an hour and a half after I have started writing this entry, and I feel a lot different. A good different. I feel like I do have the friends to support me. Mainly, I’d like to thank Cal, Aaron, Vince, Johnny, and of course, Jose, because without all of you, me feeling better would not have been possible. It’s just amazing how talking like this helps unlock thought patterns I never knew I had felt. There are very few other things that I need to work on, which are entirely personal, but could possibly affect others. Under no circumstance, of course, will certain things be revealed. Always nice to leave the readers guessing at least a little, right? (;

Seriously.

THANK YOU! All Of You!

You all have helped me in one way or another… It just takes little things. I’ll close this up with something upbeat. It’s a good start to the end of the day.

SHOUTOUTS!

Jose: Thank you for allowing us to talk @ night still. Just keeping up to date with you is all I need to keep happy! You are my best friend and I will never be able to thank you enough for all that you’ve done and still do for me. You’re cool and an awesome guy

Cal: You are my good buddy, and of course my best friend. You really are almost always here when I need you, and when you are, you are always willing to help me or just hang out with me so I can feel better. Thanks for being here when I needed you most over the past few days.

Aaron: Thank you for allowing me to help you out when you needed it most. Being able to express yourself is important–remember that. Keep posting to my blog and if you know anyone else that wants to as well, do let me know. You’re a great person.

Johnny: You are just crazy. Thank you for saying you’ll always be here for me. It meant a lot, and of course, still does. Of course, of course, of course. Yeah. Sometimes, you’re a bit quiet, but you’re just distracted by that ant. Thank you very much, regardless.

Vince: You called me at just the right time. Thanks for rambling to me and asking when we could hang out again. That really helped how I felt tonight. Even without mentioning anything about it, you helped! Thanks a million.

With all of you combined, I know I’ll be able to improve my life, and provide a better experience in your life as well. I look forward to the day when I can be completely free expressing what I truly want to, how I want to, without offending anyone, because that’s how I really feel. But, especially, thank you, Jose. I know I am a handful, and I just want to thank you for just being a good guy through it all… a great guy. My best friend You all kick ass.

‘Tis all for tonight. I hope this gets some comments, ya hurr’d? Goodnight.

…but times change.

I don’t want to say it, but it’s time to move on, temporarily. Let us never forget our past, and not forget where we may be headed one day.

The times are confusing. Reducing my feelings at this time is one of the most damaging things I have ever felt… but I am just hoping for the following:

• I will develop enough social and maturity skills for me to be a more productive member of society;
• I will take medicine so that I can focus more on the things and people that matter, and less on those who don’t;
• Improve myself for me;
• Improve myself for Jose.

I understand that, at this time, I am not the best boyfriend, and I understand that I have problems, but I know that time heals all. I just hope that it can heal enough so that we may once again unite in the way I feel we were always intended to be. However, for now, I am satisfied with just being best friends with Jose, because there is no one else that I would rather spend my time with. Thank you for all that you do, and all that you have done.

Change is happening, and it’s for me, it’s for you, it’s for the better of everything.

<3

Don’t forget to subscribe! Please make an account as well, because then you can customize what categories you want to receive, and get other nifty stuff. I can send you special e-mails as well.

Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful
Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful
Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful, it’s true
Intelligence Boi: i saw your face
Intelligence Boi: in a crowded place
Intelligence Boi: and i don’t know what to do
Intelligence Boi: because i’ll never be with you
Intelligence Boi: i’d rather get run over by a car
Intelligence Boi: it would feel so much better than this

i pray that it changes in due time. so much… so much. :’(

Rated TV-MA for Mature Language. Tis The Season To Hate Without Reason.

This is an irritating holiday season.

What’s good about it?

Some people got some gifts. Woot. I didn’t get any. At least, not that I know of. (Except Jose. Any references to humans, people, etc etc, are excluding him, and Zack, and Cal, and Chris, and anyone else listed on the bottom of this blog page as my friend.)

I don’t understand why people have to be so motherfucking difficult. But, that’s another issue.

Who’s heard any good news, gifts aside? All I’ve heard from people was that they had surgery, either required or unplanned, people are pissed off at each other, people didn’t get what they wanted to for who they wanted it for, the list goes on and on…

But, let’s think.

Why are we expecting the holidays to be any cheerier?

Suicides sharply increase around the holidays. Must be all that affection we have for one another in America, right? Oh, whoops, it’s.. EXCEPT America.

We’ve become a very detached nation. If you didn’t know that already, then you’d become detached… We’re the most unsocial people that I’ve ever seen.

I feel like deleting all of that.

You can tell my thoughts are detached when I don’t make any actual paragraphs. I feel so uncomfortable right now, and it is pissing me off more than you can ever imagine. Uncomfortable. Warm, outside. Angry, inside. Confused, who knows where. That’s what makes it fucking confusion.

I don’t like expressing anger in my posts.

Holidays suck. They really do.

However, I’m going to do something different than what most of us did on the 25, or 24 for some Hispanics… and that is, be thankful for what I already have… and what I don’t.

I’m happy that I:
+have Jose, someone who will care about me more than anyone else. Someone I can share the rest of my life with because we get along so well. We’re so different, and disagree on so many things, but that makes us even more perfect. =] Jose is just plain awesome. More than awesome. **baby boi, you are perfect **

Normally I would post this kind of stuff in an image, but my head and body is hurting too much at the moment to do anything too strenuous.

Thank god for music. I don’t know what I would do without it… especially electronic music. I also don’t know what I would do without Jose. =]

Zack, I have to be thankful for him, my best friend… Not much else to say. Just read through my posts and you’ll see me talking about him.

Other people… yeah. I’m glad you’re here.

I just hope next year won’t be as disappointing as this year, but as life continues to unravel, I’m not really certain of anything… It seems that it gets more difficult… some things are so rediculously easy, and we long for that so bad. The easy shit. Why? Why can’t everything just be average… normal… There is no such thing. It’s disappointing. I’m rambling without end. I’ll stop now.

If you’re holidays are going good, 99% of Americans envy you.

BYE.

All right, so I started typing out this entry, and thought I had copy-pasted the whole thing… how many times have you heard that?

I’ll stop right there.

I finally finished my new blog design and finally uploaded it–both of those take forever. Not because it’s hard work, but because I simply move too darn slow. Speaking of… My weight has gone up to 190. GEEZ. I need to work on that badly… Anyway, I don’t think I will be updating too often unless this blog post gets a decent amount of comments. It’s all in your hands!… Thanks.

This is a three-part blog. The first part is to welcome to you my new blog design, v3-dark-traffic. I rarely use reds in my web designs… I take that back. I never have. Seriously… At least, not as the main color.

— Added @ 11:45PM – 11/24/05 —
Also, instead of putting the ‘about me’ section on the left or right side, I put it underneath all the page’s content. I figure, if you care enough to read a few entries [5], then and only then should you realize that my information is on all pages. =] I think the images are semi-decent, don’t you?
———————————-

The second part of my blog is to butter you up for the topic that’s already going to get my blog a TV-14 rating since it involves death. But I would like to take that negative and make it a positive, among other things.

The third part of my blog is about death and such. But, we’re not there yet, so here’s your butter.

Isn’t it a beautiful bird? I personally don’t like seeing any bird being killed, even though I did eat a turkey this year [not last year], but nonetheless, we can still admire their beauty. =] Cows are pretty, too.

But now, let’s move on. Wait. No. Not yet. I will be buying a Digital SLR Camera for myself… Compact Digital Cameras just haven’t cut it for me. I have a 5.1MP 21x Zoom [3x Optical, 7x Digital] HP R707 Camera for Sale. I may throw in the 1GB SD Card, capable of holding over 500 pictures in the highest quality. I paid around $400 for the stuff, but you can get them together for just $150. I’ll be selling it on eBay if no one wants it. Jose of course, gets a 50% Discount on anything I want to sell.

All right… The third part.

Rated TV-14 for Violence, Death and Mature Language.

What are we grateful for? Avid blog readers of mine know that on Thanksgiving, I don’t post a fancy, all-out image about what and who I am thankful for. [I instead wait to do this on Christmas Day.] I am thankful for so much… but, who isn’t?

Most of you, I’m sure.

We always want more. Geez do I want more. MORE MORE MORE. WTF? I don’t know why I am so damned greedy, just like most of America… We’re all overweight. A quote from Bill Maher: “We feed cows too sick to stand… to people too fat to walk.” It’s fucking disgusting. I know it’s good to be thankful for what we have, and I know it’s good to get more things, but… there has to be a line somewhere. I want to move away from material things and move towards people. Are we grateful for our friends? Do we treat them wrong? Are we sometimes too harsh to them? Did they deserve it? Did WE? So many questions that should be answered…

I don’t want to answer those, honestly. Sometimes, you each need to find out something by yourself. Like one of my favorite [and only read] books that I have, “this [blog] does not give answers, it instead provokes questions.” So, if I’ve made your mind think a little, then that’s the first step towards thinking. I came up with that one myself… seriously.

You all are just DYING to find out about… dying? All right.

Background info: Zack is my best friend. He has lived in North Carolina all his life [which is far away from me! booo] and of course has friends there…

Sadly, today, he has one less friend on this Earth.

No no no, our friendship didn’t die. However, one of his friends that lived there, near him, was killed in a car crash today. Today, of all days. Thanksgiving. Let that fucking sink in. And here I am, complaining about my weight, and how I’m slow and lazy. What am I doing about that? Absolutely nothing. And it pisses me off. I’m perfectly healthy, have the best friends ever [JOSE + Zack], and yet… life doesn’t satisfy me. Why? Perhaps I’m just not grateful. I’m just not thankful. I don’t realize how much I have.

You never realize how much you have until you lose it.

A rather graphic/extreme quote, but quite accurate. Obviously, losing someone will cause us to realize how important that person was… but why should we wait until then?

I think this blog entry has rambled on long enough. I am thankful for the ability to realize I am ungrateful. That’s the moral part of it. I am thankful for the house, car, digital camera, computer, cell phone [x2?], 60gb iPod video, endless pile of digital shit, and other things that I have. That’s the stuff part of it. I am most thankful for my mother for giving me life [yeah, you all forget your mother this time of year, don't you?], Jose for being part of my life and completing my life… adding more than I ever thought possible [love you dude! ], Zack for being my best friend for over a year and a half [the longest friendship I've ever had... ever], Cal, Chris, Jorge, and other best [close] friends for simply not being complete morons and respecting me. I do my best to give back whatever you deserve. Oh, and let’s not forget, I am thankful for my father. I am thankful for being alive, having just enough friends, having the infinite number of [abuse-able] opportunities to have friends [so don't abuse them--the number may run out at any time...] I am thankful for everyone who has ever helped me with anything… for everyone who hasn’t treated me differently because of any attribute of me… I am thankful for being able to be me, in this great country, and thankful that Jose is always himself as well. May we live together forever… Come to think of it, life is pretty fuckin’ sweet.