edward fox's reality

Deranged Editor’s Note: Don’t take this blog too seriously, or seriously at all. Sometimes, I just have to release anger, when there’s too much of it, through my blog.

Ever eaten Life, the cereal? I don’t think I ever have… but, thankfully, it’s irrelevant to this topic.

Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Disturbing Reality.

If we had the ability to taste our own lives, how would it taste like? At the moment, I think I would rather eat shit than what life is feeding me right now. Fuck you, world. That’s right. I’m pissed as hell, and this is my blog and I’ll sound however mentally insane as I want to and as my mom thinks I am.

Let people do whatever the fuck they want to. They will anyway. It doesn’t really matter what you say. No, it doesn’t. You’re just there, just like they are. We are all just here. Let’s completely ignore our surroundings and see how far we get. Let’s completely ignore what people communicate to us and think we know everything, mother, and then everything will be A-fucking-OK.

This goes to all the other smart alecks I dealt with today. You’re not better than me. I’m not better than you. Get that through the brain I question you have.

I was not put on this earth to be abused, insulted, raped of my ability to freely function and be happy. I did not get to where I am now just so that I could be degraded all fucking day long by the bitch I am not proud to say I am the son of. Fucked-up home? I don’t know–I’ve seen worse. Fucked-up life? Eh. It’s up there. Fucked-up everything? Or fucked up everything? That’s what I’m not sure of… and it freaks me out.

Life fucks you over. But… if we’re still here, there’s still hope. Till a new day begins…

Tis the season to be jolly… or hateful? It seems like that has been the atmosphere at my house lately, and it doesn’t seem to be improving as I’m writing this.

First, let’s get into the happy, good-feeling information that will make these holidays truly happy and worth existing. In Mid- to Late-December, I’m going to go see a lovely boy named James in Orlando, FL. I’ve known him for two years once May approaches. With the mess that exists at the moment at home, it’s best to flee to another state and see someone you have been dying to see for a very, very long time. He’s equally excited.

On top of that, I also want to travel to California, because my friend Leonti is a DJ there and wants me to go party with him. I feel so important. Go check out his MySpace page.

I’m also selling my X-Box 360, so if you know anyone who wants one (including you), go ahead and go to my auction (here). I’ll give you a special discount on the auction, from 5-10% off the final value, if you, or someone you personally know, is the auction winner. Woot. I’m also selling my digital camera (here) and Need For Speed: Most Wanted (here) to try and balance my debts out a little before I get a job next semester, or rather, next year… which leads me to my next upbeat point.

I’m going to get a full-time job right after the New Year. My debts are so excessive and my mom is under so much pressure to pay bills that I need to help out. A part time job would give me approximately 10-15% of what I would make at a full-time job,which is sort of sad. Just think about that for a moment… 15-30 hours a week vs. 35-40 = 85% more money with as little as five hours of a difference…

As we all know, no news is good news, so here’s the bad news.

Originally, I was going to be able to enjoy a sharing of my mom’s timeshare so that I could have a week in Orlando for around $150. Not a bad deal at all, considering most hotels charge that much per night, much less a week. Add a zero and that would be a more accurate figure for the latter. Unfortunately, my mom retracted this offer in her usual fit of rage, so this changes things up just a little bit–it’s all good. I’ll take care of it one way or another. Another bump in the road, but the road smooths out soon enough. A dirt road is where I am, and soon, I will be on a paved road, and in a few months, I’ll be on a toll road. Odd way of looking at it, but it gets the point across, I think.

Selling my stuff isn’t a big deal to me–it won’t be missed by me at all–it was in my closet for at least two months, but the job situation will present a very different lifestyle for me. It will be one where I finally feel responsible for myself, because I will be at work during a standard hour set (8-4, or 9-5), while also going to school at night and taking classes online… This is how my life needs to be lived right now. When the person I care about most is in another state, I just don’t have as much time to devote to things that won’t help my future, which means little free time… But that is what I need. I need to feel productive, because I haven’t been for months.

My mother loves driving my motivation and ability to think freely into the ground. After all the homosexual and (financial) debt taunts and insults, it gets to me. It’s old either way, but it still gets to me…

May this phase of the holidays come to an end soon.

Henry Ward Beecher stated this:

“A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.”

Now, let’s not be sexist, so we’ll assume “he” means he or she. With that logic in mind, let’s ask ourselves this: Are we grateful?

First of all, happy Thanksgiving Eve. It’s not a real holiday, according to the U.S. Government, but if Christmas gets an eve, and the start of a new day at the end of a year, the day before such, gets an eve, then so shall Thanksgiving. It seems like we are never satisfied with what we have, and I have fallen a victim to this, too. The way things are, how things are, how people are, it’s never good enough. If you are completely satisfied, that probably means you simply don’t care… or you’re one of very few people who have learned how to balance enjoyment of life with accomplishments of change, and that is a very powerful thing.

Sometimes, it may seem like life sucks. And frankly, I think it does. But we still have to remember what we have, and what we don’t have. We must remember who is still in our lives, and all the good times we have shared. It’s unfortunate that we forget about the past so quickly. To forget is one thing, and to idle, another.

Am I trying to sound extra smart? Perhaps. But it’s important to remember that the past cannot be erased, but it should not take control of us… It’s happened, and what’s happened, happened. We have to move on, but we should be grateful for what has happened in our lives. With that said, I again pose the question to everyone, including myself: are we grateful?

In a heated discussion as I sat in on a Government class this morning as a member of my Forensics team, I noticed that people don’t seem to be grateful for what they have in their lives at all. Their views are so twisted and shaped by what they have been taught that many seemed partially closed to new thoughts, opinions, or ideas, and others closed themselves off completely from everyone else’s opposing views.

What was the issue? Illegal immigration from Mexico. I actually ended up participating in the discussion because of the fact that so many comments were flying back and forth about the room that lacked any credibility that I was about to explode. So many contradicting comments in so little time–welcome to the junior college experience.

One student personally attacked me and said, “Who builds your bridges? Huh? They do the jobs that no one else wants. Who builds your bridges? HUH? HUH? I mean, look at you.” That was obviously a racially-loaded statement. Regardless of the facts that personal opinion should not be included when trying to prove a point, and that I’m Hispanic anyway (50% Salvadoran), just makes me wonder what point he was trying to prove. Was he trying to say I should be grateful that I have bridges that are being built by people who are illegally entering this country? Or perhaps, that I should I feel sorry for them and have sympathy for all their hard labor, which I never denied to begin with?

It wasn’t exactly clear. So how does this relate to being grateful? It didn’t seem like he was even grateful of what people from his country did, and made me feel like it was my responsibility to acknowledge the fact that they work for a living, just like 95% of the U.S. population over the age of 18. I didn’t understand where it was going, and attacking me personally with inaccurate information and baseless, racial accusations, are just as disappointing and devalue the debate entirely. Nonetheless, I maintained my composure…

…but I am grateful. I am grateful we have a diverse community. True, minorities may be suffering because of a lack of education, and the economy may suffer because the less education someone has, the less of a chance they have at making more money, thus less money being invested into the system, but this doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for any of their contributions to society and especially highways! I love me some new roadways and bridges. Ah, the bridges. The word “bridges” was mentioned in three separate arguments subsequently. I started the debate for the morning. Go me.

Normally, I type out a list of people I’m grateful for, but I’ll save that until Christmas, because some other fun things happen around Christmas time, too (James, you know what I am talking about ), and plus, I don’t feel like I should be thankful only on a holiday with the word “thanks” in it… Shouldn’t that be a year-round thing?

Let’s stop getting caught up in our own busy world, and realize we are all part of the same society. Let’s start contributing, not just for our benefit, but for each other’s. This is something that should happen all the time. If we all did our part, then no parts would be left undone, and the world would feel more complete. We wouldn’t have the feeling like we need more…

Do we already have enough? I think so.

Take that for what it’s worth.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

 Rated TV-14 for Mature Language.Â

It’s happened. I am in complete, but temporary, isolation. My mom isn’t home. The Internet is out (as I began writing this blog). I’m in my room with the smell of fast food and the heat of too many electronic components connected into too few outlets. Sadly, all these factors up add to a sad subtraction of well-being. The well-being of me.

Nothing seemed to improve my mood yesterday, or today. It continues to become a steady decline towards what feels like the greatest depression of them all. I only have one thing on my mind: how you see me. You know who you are. You are the person that influences me and how I feel. You are the person that stares at me as I walk past you. You are the person who ignores me when I see you but you don’t “see” me. You are the person who is too good for your own body. You are America. You are not you, and you suck…

To read the rest of this entry, you must be logged in…

 Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Graphic Violence, Reality.

Editor’s Note: This blog entry represents a breaking news story. This information is for your personal use only, and by reading it, you agree to not hold me liable for inaccuracies you derive from it.

Today feels really fucking off, for some reason. For some reason, I had a strong urge to use the word “fuck” to describe it.

It’s amazing how one day can be so amazingly different from the next…

This moment is not one I want to be in, period. For a large portion of students and adults in Orlando, FL., however, they wish that Life had a Rewind button. This is what I mean:

“A 15-year-old male student died after being stabbed at a bus stop at a central Florida high school as classes let out Thursday, authorities said.

Authorities have a 17-year-old suspect in custody in connection with the stabbing, which took place at University High School in east Orange County.

An argument between the two students began during lunchtime, and then continued after school at the bus stop when the suspect stabbed the victim with a roughly 3-inch serrated pocket knife, Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary said.” (click here for full article – includes pictures and slideshow of the crime scene)

I received more information from my ex who lives in Florida, James. He went to the school this happened at, University High School, a part of Orange County Public Schools. He was at school at the time of the stabbing, around 2:10PM Eastern Time, but was not present at the scene, though several of his friends were.

—Begin Editorial—
Mature audiences only, please.

Editorial by Frederick Szczepanski — ORLANDO, FL: James’ friends were waiting for their school bus[es] to arrive in the bus circle. A conflict between the two students, starting around lunch, surrounded the issue of a girl, and a possible relationship with one girl in particular that both students were interested in (italicized sections are parts I assume to be true).

After school let out, James’ friends, the victim, and the suspect, were together at the bus circle on campus when the 17-year-old suspect approached the victim. He appeared to be making amends with the student as he hugged the 15-year-old.

Moments later, fellow students and friends of the victim saw blood gushing from the three stab wounds he inflicted upon the victim just seconds earlier. He bled out as students around him screamed.

The blood stain could be seen from aerial photos taken by the helicopter.

The suspect fled the scene and attempted to change clothing. He was caught by a school officer after students identified the suspect by pointing him out.

The faculty and students were equally hysterical with no restraints on their words. “Everyone was cussing, yelling, screaming”, according to James’ friend, who was standing just a few feet away from the crime as it happened. “There was blood everywhere, just gushing everywhere. It was horrible.”

James knew the victim since second grade. “I played baseball with him in 6th. I just can’t believe it.” He also knew the 17-year-old suspect, and went on to say, “I had a class with him over the summer. I fucking sat right next to him… just goes to show how much someone is truly capable of, the potential to kill and corrupt.”

—End Editorial—Â

Though it’s been just an hour, reality has been setting in since the second this vicious crime occurred on campus. His friends are torn to pieces, and could not believe something like this could happen over something so simple. Regardless, a crime of this nature should never occur, no matter what is involved or at stake. Never.

Imagine if this was at your school. Imagine if this was your friend. This is horrible. Things like this make you scared for your life. Things like this run the inevitable “why” question through your head twenty times.

There is so much violence, everywhere. Is there any safe place to be? Tall buildings? No. School? No. Subways? No. Buses? No. Cars? No. Homes?… I don’t know. I’m running out of options here.

However, we should all be thankful that we are still here. It’s just moments like this that make you wonder… what’s really going on with the world?

—Now, a Personal Reaction—

My heart goes out to the family of the victim, and to all those involved, on any level, big or small, even though there is no truly ‘small’ level of involvement. Time will heal your hearts, and those wounded are now free of pain. You will all, always, have your memories, and no one can take your memories away from you.

On top of all that I just said, there are a few other things I’m dealing with. Sometimes, I just feel off, and that made it worse. However, I believe one of my parakeets injured itself last night and it is acting really weird today. I hope she gets better soon.

Today is a sad, sad day. Time will improve all, but we can do our part… If only everyone else will do theirs as well.

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language.

I can’t get to where I want to go.

Why the confusion? I don’t know… But if I could break it down into Jeopardy categories, the list would read something like this:

• Uncertain Future
• Back to the Beginning
• The End
• Medicinal Misunderstandings
• Unaccomplished Accomplishments
• Carrying On (Hover over link for its description)

If I could just go away, disappear, whenever I felt this way, and not put any pain or disorientation upon anyone, I would love that. Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, or any power, or energy, for that matter. I have caused the most hurt and sadness to Jose because of this, and I apologize for that, baby. The part that makes this the most challenging is that I am satisfied with life, and if I could just feel that way, it would make my life that much easier, for myself, for everyone…

Uncertain future refers to the fact that I may not want to do something with Business all my life… I know this isn’t a major thing (no pun intended, seriously), but it prevents me from doing my homework as thoroughly as I want to, and that sucks. A lot. I can’t ever really get anything I want to get done on time…

Back to the beginning refers to the fact that I try moving forward but get rejected back to where I started… Nothing works most of the time, nothing…

The end refers to my thinking about the passing of loved ones, almost entirely about my mom… I know that she probably has many years to live, but the way she says things sometimes, it makes it seem like she doesn’t have long at all, and this really crushes my reason to do anything sometimes, because I just want to please her and make her happy, and I want to make everyone happy… Sometimes my voice gets drowned out… I make myself insignificant. This isn’t a healthy way of approaching anything… I’m trying not to be this way. It’s just that she is my only blood-related [again, another phrase I made up on my own] family member that I’ve had…

Things just don’t feel right sometimes, most of the time, and I don’t know why. They just feel so, so wrong… like I am wrong. I don’t belong. I need to just go away from everything and everyone, to solve my problems for the moment… because I am no good right here for the moment. That’s how it feels.

Medicinal Misunderstandings refers to the fact that my psychiatrist doesn’t seem to really give a shit about what is going on in my head as opposed to his incentives and kickbacks for pushing certain prescriptions. I didn’t want to believe this, but two months of my life have been falsely put into the hands of this guy, and he never even listened. I don’t know why I kept putting it off… so I finally took action and I’m going to see another psychiatrist tomorrow at 4:30, one who will listen more. It’s sad when you are even paying someone to listen to you, and they don’t care enough to do that.

Unaccomplished accomplishments refers to the fact that I try to make progress, and think I have, but it’s all part of my mind game. I literally mean that. The game my mind is playing on me.

Carrying on stands for the song that I’ve listened to at least 20-30 times today, and that number will just keep going up as the day and week goes on, My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade.” The link above (in the list) has a direct link to the MP3 on my site if you want to download it…

What does it mean, though? Carrying on… To me, it means, I have tried one way, but it’s time to try another. It’s just time to keep trying harder, and harder, and harder, and when will it end? I am not certain at all. Perhaps never. Maybe that is the point of life, constantly having new obstacles to get where we want to be…

I know life is supposed to be challenging, but… my mind makes it impossible. When you want to cry for the rest of the day for no reason, when you feel like you can’t get close to anyone in fear of losing control of yourself, losing control of your mind, losing control of what you say and do, when you feel like you’re just falling down into a very deep hole and there’s no end in sight… The panic is just there, and it’s making sure it’s known and acknowledged, all the time in my head… Do I make excuses for what I say and how I act? Yes. Are they reasons? I don’t know… All I know is that if I have to apologize and make excuses for things, it’s because I didn’t want to do them in the first place. Some people say that they will never apologize for what they have done because at the time, that’s exactly what they wanted. That just doesn’t make sense. That’s saying you should use the same mindset for the rest of your life if you already messed up once before and it’s acceptable. I refuse to be beaten by my own thinking, my own mind. My heart is stronger than my mind will ever be, and in times of great confusion, that’s all I can listen to… The only one who has my heart is Jose, and that will never change, ever. I apologize for being so needy lately, and by lately I mean always… I am just as tired of not being able to enjoy life and calm down as ever, and that dissatisfaction keeps growing by the second, but some things are beyond my control… I know you understand that and take that into consideration, and I appreciate you very much for doing that. Very, very, very much. No one else would listen to me the way you do, even my closest friends… One of my best friends laughs at half the things when I say I’m crying and I can’t feel… It’s like almost no one listens to me, so this is my way of saying I apologize for putting it all on you, baby. It’s just that I get let down by myself, or I let myself down… but I will not give up. I cannot give up. Just like my mom will not give up with her back pain and other problems she faces, I will not give up, especially in a battle within myself. I just want you to know that I will always care about you, very much, and want to be better very soon.

Like you said, I need to think about if it’s making me feel better, and the bottom line: the medicine didn’t, and it’s time for another change. File Menu > New Game again, and I’m ready. I don’t want to restart. I don’t want to take two steps back and no steps forward. My mind is so unfair to me. It doesn’t give me a chance to think for myself. It always has random noise running through it, and music, and things that don’t matter, and I can never, ever focus… This may sound like an excuse in certain ways, but it isn’t… I know what I feel randomly isn’t normal. I know that it’s not normal to walk out in front of my house and see that one of my neighbors are outside and instantly feel nervous and anxious, and like they are staring at me, and against me. I know it’s not normal to walk around and judge everything and everyone, at least, in a way that I don’t want to… If that doesn’t entirely make sense, it’s basically because I can’t feel how I want to. Well, you may be thinking, we can’t always choose how we are feeling… but… I know almost everyone can, better than me.

I miss being able to be happy. I miss being truly satisfied with life, without my mind thinking “something bad is going to happen because things are going good.” Being positive isn’t enough. Trying isn’t enough. Trying harder and hardest will get me a lot closer, but I know I need some form of medication of advice… I need professional advice, please. Someone please pay attention to me. I don’t want to force you to. Please listen to me, best friends, friends, blog readers. Where are all of you when I need you? On AIM? Watching TV? Hanging out with other friends? What’s going on? Do you even know I am here? You people, you let me down… you let me down so much… Your names need not be mentioned. I can’t do this on my own, and I do not want to put it all on my love, Jose.

Passing blame is so easy, yeah, I know, but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just a human asking another human for a little help. Please don’t just tell me you are sorry. I need more than that, people. What do I need? Just a little attention… I give you attention, don’t I? I am not asking you to always be here for me to talk to… just once in a while… We can’t all function and do everything on our own, otherwise we wouldn’t have cities and communities and networks of people.

However, the biggest portion of problems falls upon myself. I want to be social. I want to be positive. I want to feel. I want to feel happy. I want to get things done. I want to actually have energy. I want to not feel like I haven’t received sleep for days, all the time. I just want to be me. I just seriously want to be myself. I want to represent myself. My mind won’t let me live my life as I want to, as I choose to. We are victims of our own mistakes, our own choices, but what if we can’t choose those choices and problems? Sort of twists the word ‘choice’ into nothing.

My deepest apologies, with all of my heart, to my love, Jose. You have put up with so much, and I will never give up, for me, for you, for us, baby. I will not let that happen. I know I am strong, and I want to be me, the me we all know I can be. The Me you know is inside me somewhere. The Me I can’t be because my mind doesn’t let me. I know it sounds so weird… but that’s truly how it feels, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray to feel better soon. My life, my happiness, your happiness, my mom’s happiness, my future, the present, depends on it. I just want to be me, and not let anything or anyone except the real Me be in control of who I am and how I feel. A struggle against one’s self. Briefly mentioned in Philosophy Ethics, but a battle bigger than I could have ever anticipated.

It’s just so sad, because I am happy, and I just can’t feel it. Things are fine. My apologies again, my love, Jose, for all the stress and confusion I cause whenever I ramble like this and whenever I act oddly or become randomly emotional. These are not my intentions at all. In the meantime, I will still push to stand my ground in my personal battle reaching outside of me, affecting those around me, especially you, baby, and all those I care about… I pray to be able to feel, and feel how I want to, and be in control of my actions and mind, and be sound in all aspects of the word… I will try harder, and harder, no matter how much it may take out of me, because it’s already taken so much away from me, and I have not been able to completely enjoy the happiest memories I have made this past year, with Jose, and in general, and I will not let that continue. I will do my part. I will. Confusion will die. Disappointment will die. The not real Me will be dismissed. I will be Me.

My financial firm’s boss mails out a memo, usually one each weekday. I couldn’t believe how accurate the delivery of today’s message was in relation to the circumstances I’m going through… Check it out, and maybe it will influence you, too.

“Before you choose your goals, it is wise to first choose who you want to become. Throughout your life, you will be constantly changing and becoming someone new, either slightly or significantly different from the previous version. With each change you will move forward or slip back. For most people, change just happens. Change is considered an external event that occurs randomly and haphazardly, and there is very little that can be done about it. Most people unknowingly allow themselves to be shaped by their circumstances. But as James Allen Wrote in As a Man Thinketh, ‘Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him.’

This is one of the most important laws of human nature ever discovered. Our circumstances are just a reflection of what is going on inside our private world of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. As we begin to change, our world changes with us. As we become better, our lives become better. Changing circumstances requires that you first change yourself. To have it any other way is to have the cart before the horse.”

I have noticed that a lot of people blame their circumstances on things around them instead of things inside them. Maybe we should all give that a little thought this morning. What do we want and what are we willing to do to get it?”

Those last two paragraphs sound like something I would write, but again, not from me, my boss it is.

Things are good, but there are still those days when life’s biggest problems glare at you with all their might, and when nothing seems to be going right… (Oh yay, it RhYmEs! I’m so tacky sometimes. OOPS! I did it again.)

• Money. It seems we don’t have enough of it at my house.
• Misunderstandings. They are all over the place and it brings me down way too much, too hard, too often, again, at my house.
• Medicine: I forgot to take it today. Maybe that’s why I feel under par, who knows? Maybe it is effective, who knows, again?
• Material Online: Already due, and just like that, I lost 20% of my possibility of getting an “A” in the class. Thank you, website, for notifying me a day after the assignment was posted and due, that I needed to complete it. Thank you, very much.

Sometimes I just feel like such a lazy bastard who never gets anything done. Yeah, part of that is my bad, and I’ll agree. However, we can’t all be perfect all the time, and I’m trying. Why can’t people, especially my mom, accept that? It makes me wonder how much better life would be if it wasn’t infused with hellish arguments at earth-shaking decibel levels, completely inappropriate for their nature. Sometimes, I just can’t resist to push back after being pushed. It just sucks. How long can we stay sitting and while succumbing to being sitting ducks? [Editor's Note...that's me: I had to type that word about six times into Google and dictionary.com before I realized it had a "B." I'm not as smart as I type. ]

Again, things are good, but sometimes, the pleasures get lost amidst the sea of confusion of what is, what isn’t, what’s lost, and what hasn’t been found… but remaining optimistic and true to myself, I know that there will always be good in my life, and I will always be appreciative for it. This isn’t a “hard time” for me– it’s just a time that I would like to press the Fast-Forward button on, if I had a remote for my life. I’m sure I would use it way too often, though, trying to make highs for myself, like sugar highs that people get from drinking soda sometimes. Sure, it’s pleasurable, but sometimes, too much is just too much, right?

I digress. Too often.

Notice how I tried to make my list up there all start with “M”…. I don’t like M. Of course, “A” and “T” and “Q” and “H” and “W” would all have been much more suitable choices for the final item, but just keeping things … weird, is what I like to do sometimes.

I digress. Again.

Now on to the finer points in life. Jose is awesome! Now that I’ve become slightly more level-headed (such an anti-exaggeration; whatever you can call that without the “anti” in just one word works, too), it makes for a much finer relationship. Yay for working on things I need to work on. I do look forward to growing up more, as long as everyone else grows up with me, and sometimes, that’s the biggest challenge of them all, having people you care about most refuse to grow with you, or at least, what I like to call disentialism from working with me and moving forward to a better place and better life… This word appears nowhere on the Internet, in any newspapers, magazines, or books. It comes from entail, which means (in its lesser known definition) to require. Dis-entail means to leave out, or detach from, so disentalism would be… well, you get the idea. Finally, a word that I made up, like randomocity, that hasn’t been plastered all over the Internet yet.

But, life is still very, very satisfying. I am happy with the way things are going. I just wish I could always see things for what they are, and that my mom especially, and anyone who doesn’t listen to what I am saying, would see it, too…

But we can’t always have what we want.

File Menu > New Game please. I wait for your arrival. Only Jose will know what I’m talking about. You are awesome baby! Thank you for everything =] ONE YEAR on the 14! YAYYYY! ^_^

P.S. Sorry for not writing in my blog forever. It’s funny because I only planned on this being four lines long, those four bullets… Funny how things grow if you let them. (:

NEW! You must be logged in to see this text, because this post sucks, and only those who really care enough to read it, can. So, yeah. Â

Editor’s… er, Blogger’s Note: I didn’t feel like this is the real me. I’ll let you know when it’s really me talking… Here’s a confused entry for all of you. Sucks. Comments are off because this blows. Â

THE EMO CRONICLES, PART ONE.

Boo Me. Not the Real Me. What? Run that by me again. Representing the confused part of me, Captain Emo! Why am I calling this the Emo Chronicles? Well, that deserves bolding!

Why Emo-C? Over the next few months, I’m going to be doing a ‘dramatic restructuring’ of self, so before I really get into my emoness, I’ll discuss a few things that I want to change, only those which apply to everyone. Personal changes will remain personal, and only the one who needs to know those will know, about, those. So, shove along, and here we go.

What’s going to change? There are a few things which relate to one another, in some way. See if you can figure it out as you read through my list, listed in no particular order of importance.

• Negativitiy: This has been one of my biggest problems which causes a lot of ‘drama’ in my life, if you want to call it that. It’s basically unnecessary stress.
• Relaxing: Sometimes, I just get too excited about things that I shouldn’t, or too worked up in little things… I just need to chill.
• Slow Down: Though these sound similar, I need to take time with each thing I do.

There are many, MANY other things that I know I need to work on, and those will come in the future, or not at all, depending on how much I want all of you to know about me. (; That’s another good point, I need to not talk so much and reveal everything…

What’s Emo: Talking about Everything to Everyone. Do you care? Hold up– there’s nothing wrong with not caring. I just need to figure out what’s appropriate to say when. That’s always been one of my biggest problems… I open up way too easily. I need to not do that. That unfortunately goes along with moving along too fast in life. Not everyone wants to hear my life story, and that’s understandable… not only is that understandable, but I like it. I really do. I like knowing that only certain people want to hear everything about me, everything I have to say. Those are my best friends

Now, allow me to be truly emo for a bit.

I get twisted up in my own emotions, don’t know why. I just need to trust myself with what I say, because if I say what I feel, then there will be no cause for confusion. There will be no disorientation in what I should be saying. I just need to relax, and let life be in control, instead of pushing it into the direction I want it to. Moving faster than everything and everyone else will only put me behind. That’s all. Join me next week for the next edition of EC!

What’s Emo — Emo Track of the Week: Amber Pacific — Save Me From Me Lyrics

If you only knew the pain
The pain I keep inside
The pain that makes me “me”
Then without it who am I
In a room with broken walls
I lay in scene and dreams
I want you to see

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breathe for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

And I’m losing my will
Just to hold you in
I’m giving up the hope
That you could have been the one
To save me from me
And now our lips will meet
and i’ll taste their defeat
I’ll give in this once

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

Still I know I’ll carry on
Guide me through the life I lost
To find these faults in me
To find these faults in me

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

To save me from me