edward fox's reality

Do you like how I got straight to the point there? Well, even though I did, I chose a word that most people (including myself until ten minutes ago) aren’t familiar with: inutile. Sounds like futile, or… ceramic tile. But that’s beyond the point. The point is that I feel useless and it really, really sucks.

For the moment, I really have no close friends. I used to have just the right number of friends, but now, it feels like I have no one that I can share my most pathetic feelings with, and it hurts.

I don’t know why it hurts. Perhaps, as James told me, we are supposed to keep our sadness to ourselves. I’m not exactly sure on that one, but all I know is that this sadness is really getting to me. Maybe I’ll get some help for it around 3:30PM today. We’ll see, we’ll see…

Thank you for being here for me…

For those who aren’t here for me, but want to be… thank you.

For those who are temporarily not part of my life right now, you’re still in my thoughts. Don’t forget that.

Life is just so difficult sometimes. Why does it have to be? I thought life would get easier as you learned more. Ignorance is still Ace. Dammit.

For the original, inspiring blog entry, please click here: (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=68694875&blogID=242742638)

I guess people are different.

When people meet me, they expect someone serious and boring… and maybe I am.

They expect me to understand everything, but I don’t.

I don’t even understand myself.

They take advantage of me, always have, always will,

but I guess it gives me a purpose.

I may come off as disrespectful,

but I don’t try to be.

I guess people just have issues with me.

I can’t control my emotions sometimes, and I’m just me.

I am not the most social person, but I try to be.

What do people want me for? I can’t find a reason as to why anyone would bother talking to me most of the time…

Money doesn’t mean anything to me, expensive vehicles don’t mean anything to me. I just search for solace.

Maybe I already found that person, who could give me this, but I lost them…

Maybe that’s not enough…

Maybe I’m not enough.

All I am certain of, is that is enough for now.

—

Peter, I love you… No matter how many times I may act fucked up, confused, emotionally unstable, angry, disoriented, confused, pissed… it’s me.

—

“Patience” by Take That
To listen to this song, go to my MySpace page.

Just have a little patience

I’m still hurting from a love I lost,
I’m feeling your frustration.
That in any minute all the pain will stop.
Just hold me close, inside, your arms, tonight,
don’t be too hard on my emotions

(Chorus)
‘Cause I, need time.
My heart is numb, has no feeling.
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation.
The one that I can always depend.

I’ll try to be strong. Believe me,
I’m trying to move on,
It’s complicated but understand me.

‘Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience, yeah
have a little patience, yeah

‘Cause the scars run so deep,
It’s been hard,
But I have to believe.

Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,

Woah, Cause I, I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,
have a little patience,

My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
just try, and have a little… Patience

It turned three years old on March 4th of this year. How exciting! Congratulations to my blog for surviving so many years of confusion, server switches, redesigns, and, of course, me! There are plenty of other things going on in my life that I’m not sure you’d care to hear about, but I thought I would stop and give my server the belated respect it deserves… Happy B-Day, Mr. Blog programming code… stuff. We love you!

-Frederick

P.S. This is a pathetic blog entry. =)

Today (and the past two weeks) just has not been going right for me. But I liked this quote…

“We are only the sum of our experiences. Besides, some of the best things in life are total mistakes.” – from the movie “Paycheck”.

That’s all!… K thnx.

Rated TV-14 for Foul-Mouthed (Mature) Language.

Some random, yet inspiring, Sex & The City quote: “Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.”

I was going to save that for last, but maybe if I hooked you with a good opener like that, you would be more likely to read this entry. Are you interested? Well, then, okay. Let’s find out what tonight’s blog is going to talk about.

Taking Chances. Well, if you read my past few entries, they all have something in common. Since I do respect the privacy of myself and people that are close to me, I would never reveal personal details as to what’s going on in my life. Honestly, I type these blogs out to help myself sort through my thoughts, because I ravage through painful emotions a lot, and I don’t know why, still… so without further ado, let’s make this and take this away from me, and make it into something for you, the reader of blogs.

Why is it that no one seems to risk shit anymore? It seems we are all so much more cautious in how we act. I remember I used to do pretty bold things in my life… now, not so much. I’ve sort of settled down into this pathetic adult norm where the norm is all that I follow. It’s tragic, really… but I think it’s more than just that.

I think the mistakes I lack in making are making my life lack life. So maybe the woman from SATC was right. Maybe mistakes do make our fate. Maybe mistakes help us figure out what’s right and wrong… can you deny it? Can you honestly say, “I regret making this mistake because I learned nothing from it”? Or do you simply say to yourself, at times, “I regret what I have done”? There is a large difference, and I think many of us don’t realize this.

As adults, we’re trained well. We are trained to achieve, yet somehow not make mistakes. Better yet, the person who makes the fewest mistakes will rise to the top soonest, and the seal wins the fish. So, why is it then that we learn from mistakes? Is this something we tell to people who just can’t get where they want to soon enough, so we came up with a phrase to help them feel better? I think not.

I think those who make the most mistakes have the most experience. The more experience you have, the more chances you have to do something right. So go ahead, everyone, and fuck some shit up. Take some chances. This is your life here… Don’t live in the future… Don’t worry about the past. Just live in the present, because it’s the only thing you have right now. Remember that… and you’ll carry on!

Some random blog that was apparently moderately respected (because I happened to read it and so did a few thousand other people) posted rules about blogging. One of the rules was avoid abstract blog titles. Make the titles clear and to-the-point. That’s why, lately, all of my blog titles have been rather wordy. Either it’s expanded to have both an abstract and direct meaning in one clause, or it’s broken down into two so that I can have an abstract thought (in tonight’s case, “Anatomy of a Bastard Child,” which really has nothing to do with me since I had a dad and I still do–he just happens to not live with me and happened to not attend my high school graduation) and a clear, concise, to-the-point clause (“We Lose What We Want”) as well. So, there you have it. I’m modifying my writing for the masses, because what you people think counts.

Right.

Wrong.

What’s wrong? Wrong is that we are being told how to write things. Why is it more effective? Better? Wouldn’t we figure this out after writing enough? I happen to enjoy abstract titles. Why? Because it makes you read the whole thing. Sometimes… 90% of the time, I can’t sum up what the blog is about in less than five or ten words. But I digress… with intention.

So lately, I’ve been feeling ungrateful. This is a challenge in life because I think we all want something better than what we already have, but I believe there is a breaking point. The breaking point is when we start losing things we didn’t even realize we wanted or needed.

To go further, I’m specifically talking about friendships and relationships. Sometimes, we don’t realize what we had until it was lost. We didn’t care enough about it to begin with, but then, once it’s lost, we realized how much it was valued. We were hoping for something better, but what we already had was best.

I’m not talking about anything specific here. This has happened to anyone and everyone, including me. I realize now that things are not as bad as they seem, and sometimes, what we already had was the best that we could have had.

Why is it that we are not happy with what we have? I guess it’s because we are raised to reach certain expectations set by our parents, and these expectations include getting the next bigger, better thing. It’s just a tragedy that we fall victim to wanting more all too often when our lives would have been perfectly complete with what we originally had…

Results 1 – 10 of about 577,000.

I find this to be simply unacceptable. When I searched for the phrase, “No News Is Good News” on Google, I came up with that many results. Why is so widely believed that no news is good news? Perhaps we should report on the less significant things in life, because otherwise, our lives will seem fairly dreary. Maybe I’m just rambling, but I think it’s time that I blogged. Otherwise, I think life is rather a waste. When I can’t express myself, I can’t live, and what better way to express myself than through my personal blog?!

All right. If anyone knows me, and knows me well enough, you should be asking yourself, “Why this? Why now? What sparked this sudden interest in a revival of what is good?” Although that sounded like something you would hear in church, the point still stands. I’m making history here. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me, and I have said this time and time again. What we are is what we are, and the only way we can preserve our past is by logging it, or in this case, blogging. True, there are other ways to keep track of what’s going on in your life, but I think this is certainly one of the funnest ways to do so.

But I still haven’t told you why I was so interested in blogging hardXcore again… so we’ll thank Shaun for that. (Find a link to his MySpace to the right of this entry.)

A long time ago, Xanga was rather popular. I told myself that I didn’t want to have my shit hosted on another web site. Why? It was simple– I would not be able to keep my life (and its memories) on my own server space under my complete control. That meant that if the site was to shut down, what would happen to all of my writing? Would it just go away? Would no one be able to find it again? So I’m happy, knowing that I have control over my own space…

And amazingly, even after all that, I still haven’t told you why I was inspired to start writing regularly again.

The main reason is that it’s so much fun to go back and look through each little instance of your life, and see what was important at the time. Not only what was important to you, but what was important to those around you. I just think that everyone should blog. If you don’t, regularly, how else will you remember what you did last year around the 27th of January? Two years ago? Not only is it unique to see the changes you make in your life, but also the changes you make as you mature and learn from experiences.

I think that by opening up yourself to the world, it isn’t just a depressing form of repressed speech, a form where you feel like you cannot share what you are saying with others; but instead, a form of communication in which everyone is free to share it with someone else. So with that said, feel free to subscribe to my blog, and tell other people to subscribe as well! I’m happy that I have regular readers, but a lot of people have not subscribed in a long time. Let’s go, people.

Have a great day. We’ll see what I can make of mine.

It’s that time again. It’s time to recall the past; it’s time to cry over what we have lost, and what we still have. It’s that time again– the time to realize who we are, what we are, what makes us, what breaks us, what fakes us.

I recently had a relationship end… It doesn’t feel like it ended. I didn’t want it to end, but it did. Stuff just happens, right? It’s unfortunate that this happened.

I don’t know who I am sometimes. Now’s the time where I call up all of my friends, trying to take up the time that I would be using to talk to him on the phone…

Now is the time where I distract myself from the reality that’s been placed in front of me…

The pain will end soon enough. Yes, it will. I will miss it. I will miss you.

The best is what I wish for you, Peter.

Madi Don’t Leave by PlayRadioPlay
It takes a lot to phase me
I’m pretty stable, I’m pretty sane.
But I’m looking at my future,
and God do I have to lose her?
We shared conversations on how we’re all just floating
Through space and nothing matters.
I’m looking for a pattern.

Is it possible to say,
Baby lets run away to the East Coast?
Or Seattle? Corpus? Or Saint Marcus?
I’ve got a credit card, and a reliable car.
Let’s drive…to Pennsylvania.

Madi dear, can’t we just disappear
And take our chances on a teenagers romances?
Put our money where our mouth is?

It takes a lot to make me
Pretty angry and very sad.
I’m looking towards the outcome,
there must be some hidden reason.
We shared kisses upside down and on your old quilt,
By your computer I was hoping, your garage as it opened.

Is there any way you could change schools
And stay up here in Fort Worth?
Cause you’re what I look for.
I got a hopeless crush,
maybe that don’t mean much to you,
But I’m hoping this could keep going.

It’s six a.m. and ice cream is the first thing on my list.
And PEZ improves our kisses, after so many misses.

The past few weeks have been a huge challenge for me. I don’t exactly know why, but sometimes, we don’t need a reason to feel a certain way. Before I get into the letdowns of life, I want to first talk about happiness and sadness, and why the two go hand in hand. If you already think you know what I’m going to say, then you can skip past the next paragraph.

The number-one emotion we try to get rid of and stop feeling is sadness. This is obvious because no one likes feeling sad. Unfortunately, I believe that this emotion also ties back to happiness. We all love being happy, otherwise we wouldn’t call that feeling that we feel “happy.” We would label it melancholy or neutral or some other word that is obscure but relates enough to what we feel that it makes our complacent selves feel more in the know of what we don’t know about the being inside us. Now, with that said, how often do you try to shake off other emotions? It’s not done very often. Jealousy, anger, and happiness, are just some examples of emotions that we don’t always try to suppress. Perhaps that is because we feel like these are things we should not contain. We should not be forced to contain our disdain (song title, anyone?) with anything…

This is a stub of a blog entry. It was never finished and was originally written on January 19, 2007 at night.

No job brings a lot of other issues to face… and great emo songs. Care to listen along with this track? DOWNLOAD MP3 [link] and Save Target As.

Story of The Year ~ A Silent Murder

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song.