edward fox's reality

All right, so I started typing out this entry, and thought I had copy-pasted the whole thing… how many times have you heard that?

I’ll stop right there.

I finally finished my new blog design and finally uploaded it–both of those take forever. Not because it’s hard work, but because I simply move too darn slow. Speaking of… My weight has gone up to 190. GEEZ. I need to work on that badly… Anyway, I don’t think I will be updating too often unless this blog post gets a decent amount of comments. It’s all in your hands!… Thanks.

This is a three-part blog. The first part is to welcome to you my new blog design, v3-dark-traffic. I rarely use reds in my web designs… I take that back. I never have. Seriously… At least, not as the main color.

— Added @ 11:45PM – 11/24/05 —
Also, instead of putting the ‘about me’ section on the left or right side, I put it underneath all the page’s content. I figure, if you care enough to read a few entries [5], then and only then should you realize that my information is on all pages. =] I think the images are semi-decent, don’t you?
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The second part of my blog is to butter you up for the topic that’s already going to get my blog a TV-14 rating since it involves death. But I would like to take that negative and make it a positive, among other things.

The third part of my blog is about death and such. But, we’re not there yet, so here’s your butter.

Isn’t it a beautiful bird? I personally don’t like seeing any bird being killed, even though I did eat a turkey this year [not last year], but nonetheless, we can still admire their beauty. =] Cows are pretty, too.

But now, let’s move on. Wait. No. Not yet. I will be buying a Digital SLR Camera for myself… Compact Digital Cameras just haven’t cut it for me. I have a 5.1MP 21x Zoom [3x Optical, 7x Digital] HP R707 Camera for Sale. I may throw in the 1GB SD Card, capable of holding over 500 pictures in the highest quality. I paid around $400 for the stuff, but you can get them together for just $150. I’ll be selling it on eBay if no one wants it. Jose of course, gets a 50% Discount on anything I want to sell.

All right… The third part.

Rated TV-14 for Violence, Death and Mature Language.

What are we grateful for? Avid blog readers of mine know that on Thanksgiving, I don’t post a fancy, all-out image about what and who I am thankful for. [I instead wait to do this on Christmas Day.] I am thankful for so much… but, who isn’t?

Most of you, I’m sure.

We always want more. Geez do I want more. MORE MORE MORE. WTF? I don’t know why I am so damned greedy, just like most of America… We’re all overweight. A quote from Bill Maher: “We feed cows too sick to stand… to people too fat to walk.” It’s fucking disgusting. I know it’s good to be thankful for what we have, and I know it’s good to get more things, but… there has to be a line somewhere. I want to move away from material things and move towards people. Are we grateful for our friends? Do we treat them wrong? Are we sometimes too harsh to them? Did they deserve it? Did WE? So many questions that should be answered…

I don’t want to answer those, honestly. Sometimes, you each need to find out something by yourself. Like one of my favorite [and only read] books that I have, “this [blog] does not give answers, it instead provokes questions.” So, if I’ve made your mind think a little, then that’s the first step towards thinking. I came up with that one myself… seriously.

You all are just DYING to find out about… dying? All right.

Background info: Zack is my best friend. He has lived in North Carolina all his life [which is far away from me! booo] and of course has friends there…

Sadly, today, he has one less friend on this Earth.

No no no, our friendship didn’t die. However, one of his friends that lived there, near him, was killed in a car crash today. Today, of all days. Thanksgiving. Let that fucking sink in. And here I am, complaining about my weight, and how I’m slow and lazy. What am I doing about that? Absolutely nothing. And it pisses me off. I’m perfectly healthy, have the best friends ever [JOSE + Zack], and yet… life doesn’t satisfy me. Why? Perhaps I’m just not grateful. I’m just not thankful. I don’t realize how much I have.

You never realize how much you have until you lose it.

A rather graphic/extreme quote, but quite accurate. Obviously, losing someone will cause us to realize how important that person was… but why should we wait until then?

I think this blog entry has rambled on long enough. I am thankful for the ability to realize I am ungrateful. That’s the moral part of it. I am thankful for the house, car, digital camera, computer, cell phone [x2?], 60gb iPod video, endless pile of digital shit, and other things that I have. That’s the stuff part of it. I am most thankful for my mother for giving me life [yeah, you all forget your mother this time of year, don't you?], Jose for being part of my life and completing my life… adding more than I ever thought possible [love you dude! ], Zack for being my best friend for over a year and a half [the longest friendship I've ever had... ever], Cal, Chris, Jorge, and other best [close] friends for simply not being complete morons and respecting me. I do my best to give back whatever you deserve. Oh, and let’s not forget, I am thankful for my father. I am thankful for being alive, having just enough friends, having the infinite number of [abuse-able] opportunities to have friends [so don't abuse them--the number may run out at any time...] I am thankful for everyone who has ever helped me with anything… for everyone who hasn’t treated me differently because of any attribute of me… I am thankful for being able to be me, in this great country, and thankful that Jose is always himself as well. May we live together forever… Come to think of it, life is pretty fuckin’ sweet.

The final new dark blog design is almost ready… well, it is ready, but I want to tweak it further. It’s all ridiculously easy.

The original background image[s] I wanted to use would have been perfect… for my resolution. My resolution is about 50% wider than most computer user’s… hence the discrepancy. I spelled ridiculously wrong, but discrepancy right. That disturbs me. Anyway.

Today was really, really dysfunctional. My mother went ballistic {Ecks vs. Sever? HA. Ha.. ha… ;p) … but that doesn’t matter. I got this great book, loaded with juicy quotes.

For some strange reason, people get addicted to quotes. We go through life, searching for some small phrase, hoping it will help us live our lives better. “Yes, that’ll do”, says We. But, do we ever follow those quotes?….

I am exhausted.

Almost two months with my lovely boy Jose! :D:D I am glad I got to hang out with him yesterday [Friday night till 1am ;p]… Love you, my baby. =]

Something to think about…

“I hope, that at least in your eyes, I’ve earned what all of you have done for me.” [James Ryan reflecting after the war, in the Arlington Cemetery (WWII)]. –Saving Private Ryan (1998)

I don’t get it.

Why am I so lazy to just spend a few moments each day to type a little tidbit about what’s happened in my life?

I got fired from Best Buy.

I got hired today at RadioShack; a month and a half later has taken its toll on all of my credit card statements…

Jose is awesome =]

James is cool.

Zack’s t3h man. ;p

Ehhh.

This is a placeholder. Definitely going to get back into writing. If not for you, then for myself. I love me. Yes, yes I do….

This blog is being moved to its own domain. Finally, my personal life will have its own space… on a separate server.

http://thefoxbox.net …

Right now, my old dark design is still there. I think I’m still going to use the header image, but change that design up… I expect 3 different blog styles for you to be able to choose from. After a while, I will make it so that THAT design will be the one loaded each time you load the domain, so that you don’t have to see one design, then load another [waste of time ;p]…

That is all, for now.

Hrm.

I don’t get it. I’ve become too lazy to do things that even I enjoy, things I do for myself. I’ve been too busy trying to make other people happy–so many other people, but one person in particular, forever.
So I’m sitting here, listening to new music that I’ve downloaded, which is all I’m doing lately… It’s always been one of my past times. One of the only things that I know I can count on, besides Jose and Zack, of course, is music… It’s always been there for everyone, and that’s why I think it’s so popular.

I want to get into the habit of typing a blog entry multiple times a week. My life is good enough, and certainly not busy enough, with only ten shitty hours this week, and maybe no more, ever. I had my forth “Attendance” category violation on Monday, so we’ll see if I’m still employed there. A third one is supposed to get you fired…

Also, I got into an argument with my mother over mileage… This certainly will make seeing Jose difficult… buuuuut, true friendship, caring, and love, know no boundaries. (:

I offered to pay the whole car payment, and my part of the insurance, which would be $350, which would be what she SAID I had to do to drive around… but still, I’m not allowed to, and wouldn’t be, even if I paid… PLEAAASE make up your mind. That’s why I can’t stand BBY, but that’s another [confidential???] story…

Regardless, my life has been going well… I think? No, it has!

I have Jose, which is the best @#^friend that anyone could ever have… <333 Love him indefinitely, yo ;P And yes, I would like... a sample... I’m also making new friends, most recently Jose, and I picked up my friendship again with Alejandro… but where the @#$# did Amber go? =/ ANYWAY.

I’m enjoying my music still! It’d be a million times better if Jose was here… Have you ever liked someone enough that, at times, you were speechless when you were around them? It’s not that you didn’t have nothing to say–it’s just that you had so much in common that words were not necessary? That’s how my friend David Fulton put it a few days ago… I never realized it. He’s perfect … no, we, are perfect, for each other… I’ve never seen so many commas in one sentence. =] So, beautiful, just, like, him.

That’s all I have for tonight… Much love to Zack and especially Jose

It seems that college shouldn’t be too much of a challenge…. I think the biggest problems will involve people, not just the classes themselves… I asy that a lot, don’t I?

Aside from that, I am dealing with a new issue with a new friend–someone I really enjoy talking to, Jose. Ah, yes–Jose is an awesome guy. If you are a frequent visitor to my blog, you know that I have developed a pretty well-trademarked personality… I have a powerful sarcastic sense of humor, while maintaining a side of me that proves that I do care about people. Regardless, I know that it’s hard for me to find someone that connects with me… One perfect (literally perfect) example is the one and only Zack! He is the best guy on the face of this planet– just like Jose… and right below me, of course. No no– I kid on the latter. They both get along with me perfectly, which is rare for me to say I have not argued with someone. I feel like I could talk to them forever when I am with either one… this presented six or seven (including zero–an inside thing) “Conflicts of Interest.” Some things are just meant to be private, especialyl when it potentially involves your favorite dude in the whole world! =P

But enough rambling about the most awesome people in this world… I <3 that emoticon (thing)… So yeah. Did I forget what I was going to say?… Blah. Oh yeah. Hmm. *JOSE IS F&&KING AWESOME!* I was on the phone with him for not one, not two, not three, four, but four and a half hours. I finally was asleep around 3:45AM… Waking up 3 hours later, however, was so uncool. My first class of the day always bores the shit out of me and makes me so damn sleepy. It was particularly worse this morning because I had forgotten my cellphone– Argh! I was planning on staying occupied with people through phone conversations and text-mesaging…but as you guessed, mostly Jose. =P I called him up from a friend’s phone, so that it wouldn’t seem like I was ignoring him, since I obviously couldn’t use my own.
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So now, I want everyone to ask themselves, “Why are you telling me little, insignificant details about your life?” Well, there are a few reasons. I write this for you to read, but I also write it for myself. I WILL throw things in on random blog posts as a personal record-keeping guide. there are a lot other things that have happened over the past few months, which might have had my attention for a decent number of days or weeks, but it caused no change in my life after it was all said and done. One example would be having a problem with a friend. If that went on and it was resolved, or I felt it would be resolved during the conflict, I wouldn’t talk about it and put extra stress on the situation, like I have seen many people do on their Xangas/POS-blogging-impersonator sites. I know I coomplain a lot, and am well aware of it… but what is the point of not talking directly to that person about your problems? Why must you instead tell the world? Most of that world doesn’t even care about your problems. They just say “awww” and “I hope life gets better” while staring at your beautiful hotness that is your Photo-Shopped display picture…

See, that’s why I <33333 Jose’s and Zack’s personalities, because they both remind me of… well, me! My friend sounded concerned when we were talking about people with similar attributes dating. He said that it would be like dating yourself and (simply put,) “Who wants to do that?”… But then I thought about what he said. Me? Thinking? *GASP* indeed… I then realized that I think it would work out great, because the only true similarities are our bitchin’, cruel, wretched senses of humor, thickly coated with sarcasm and an “I-don’t-care” cherry to top it all off. Such a beautiful extra-large banana split sundae … I proved my point by talking to someone with a personality like me… for 4 1/2 hours after that brief discussion. Note to Self: Worth the risk, because there is none. We are perfect together.

It seems I’ve been falling quite behind in these entries. I write them out on paper, then I’m too lazy to actually fill it in on the computer (typing it out)… Actually, I’ve just been rather busy with life. I’m trying to get out more, I’m going out with the best person ever, and, yeah… [This intro. was originally typed out on Sept. 20th]… Now, on with the post.

Hmm. Last night was different, just like every night–one different from the next. I almost fell asleep repeatedly in my BIO Class. I’ve never felt that tired in any class… I feel like History class is going to be a lot easier than I first thought, but the real challenge will be life.

One thing you won’t see me do is mention a situation which is on its way towards resolving or corrupting a relationship. [Go look up relationship on google in case you are thinking it just means someone you're dating.] Moving along… People frequently post problems on their blog, which makes me automatically assume that the problem won’t be resolved. If it is, then I have to look back and see complaints about my life… What good does that do me? Let me state there is a difference between expressing how you feel in an entire post as opposed to just ranting & discussing all aspects of your life in one post. I had a little–OK, big–problem with Mark a few days ago, someone that I care about a lot. f he has a problem with me, then it is certainly something that I care about. I recently lost a friend that I had enjoyed hanging out with… Instead of focusing my confusion and swirl of emotions on that friend, I redirected it to someone I had cared about in my life, since I was talking to him on the phone while it just kept getting worse. So I picked up one tiny, insignificant part of something he said and bitched and moaned about it–nice going, self. I could’ve hung out with him the next day, but I decidwed to let little, insignificant “stupid shit” (as worded by Mark himself) get to the better of me…

So why do I do that? I feel weird right now, but before I get to that, let me just say this–I resolved it wll with Mark and am happy that it was resolved. I am very good about knowing how people are shortly after meeting them… Unfortunately, I have ruined a lot of opportunities to have a good, solid relationship because of that attitude. So with whatever previous knowledge I had about treating people, I had to apply it… There’s a different between having knowledge about something, and actually doing it… They are two very different things.

You must learn from your mistakes. Must must must! I felt it was going to be a huge challenge to not bitch about everything… and sometimes, I feel like it’s necessary, but only when it’s truly necessary… I am slooooooowwwwwwly learning not to take things so critically. I already see an immediate effect because of it. I feel like more people want to talk to me, and that isn’t because I am changing any part of my seriously quirky (and F-ed up?) personality… which I do have, by the way. It’s because I’m just not thinking about everything that could go wrong…

Ever heard of a phrase similar to, “Expect the worst, so that when it does happen, it’s as bad as you expected, and when it doesn’t, you should feel better.”? OK, obviously that was too long to be a bonafide quote, but I’m questioning the validity of it… Should we anticipate the worst, or is that “Hateful thinking”? What a weird phrase… then again, “Withful thinking” has caveats, too, though…

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Caveat: A warning; a note of caution.
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So how about this concept– remain positive, stay positive, until it isn’t worth worrying about… Then you can just stop caring instead of thinking negatively about something/thing, right? Crumbs from my sandwich are all over me and I’m thirsty, so I am going to sum this up– Believe what people say. Believe that people are generally good… at least, the ones that care… =]

Not enough entries, you say? Oh well. I’ll be updating more often now. I promise. For this post, I want to take a breather from most of reality. I want to just have some nice emo stuff, then a new quote I’m going to apply to everything, then a beautiful Sergio, then my Privacy Pyramid [revised]! You’ll love all of it. So rellllllaaax! It’s all fun!

About the pyramid… I’m nowhere near done talking about that. Major changes there.

Rated TV-14 for Self-Mutilation References. Mature Language. Reality!

*The “That’s me” refers to my quote, not the image below.

Sergio is so purdy.

Revised from the one released back last December! Definitely clearer… and shinier! Dedicated to my best friend Zack [I love you Such an awesome d00d! Forever :]

Rated TV-PG for Reality. Mature Language. Just the “S”-word, once! I promise!

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This entry was actually POSTED on September 3, 2005, at 10:22 PM. It was back-tracked because other events happened later on that sparked my inspiration to post a new blog. I could not post a new blog entry without posting an older entry first, even if I faked the newer entry to have an older date. I did this the first day I had the blogging program, and it didn’t turn out right. Just FYI!
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College is certainly off to an odd start. The classes are boring, for the most part, but thankfully, the teachers make life a little more bearable. Nonetheless, I am being challenged by a number of things this year. One of the main obstacles isn’t classwork. I think that part is goign to be a cinch. The tough part will be growing and re-evulating what I have already evaulated. I’m one to easily get distracted, and this doesn’t help in any aspect of my life. Not only do I get distracted, but I also have a huge attitude problem.

I assume things too much, yes, it’s true–me… I don’t know why I do, but I do. I always advised against it but I am just barely starting to see that I should not be so hasty, disrespectful, and hateful, especially to those that I care about most. Sometimes I just make decisions that make me feel powerful, but for what? One of my ex-best friends (but still a close friend) [named Alan] was smart and entertained me many times. unfortunately, we would always disagree, at least once a day, and argue for at least a few hours at times… Then I realized, or rather, assumed, that he was more intellignt than myself. Think– What do I do that makes me smart? I know english grammar well, yay? I have a big mouth and like getting things done… quickly.

One of my other ex-[blank]‘s, by the name of Alex Heubner, stopped being my friend for no reason… but that is besides the point. He lives life very funny, and the erason for this is because of a medical condition he has. Privacy is of course maintained on certain issues. [Which reminds me, I came out with a new Privacy/Anti-Trust Pyramid! You must see it!] Anyway. [Friend-Friend or] Ex-ex Privacy privelege applies, I guess. regardless, I just wish I lived life like that. It pisses me off because a lot of people think I am boring and they don’t even try to get to know me… but why? Because I’m pale? Fat? Weird-looking? Who knows? Because I talk about weird things? I don’t understand. I don’t get it. There will be more about this in a newer entry.

It seems that… these days, you have to dress a certain way to have certain friends. I find this weird, because even though we try to seem different by wearing certain types of clothes, we’ve all become the same… by trying to be different, that is. Truth attempting to be told, this is a rather harsh assumption. Or is it? It is true, though. Most white people try to wear ‘popular’ clothing to be popular… but this affects more than just your appearance. Think. all the time, I hear girls talking about bands with shitty music, but does that matter to them? No… Visit their MySpace profile (I proudly support MySpace) and you will see airbrushed pictures of many bands, people, etc., that lack any true talent… Disappointing indeed. We’ve become a heavily appearance-based shallow-thought society. [I'm getting a sore on my finger from writing this... eh.]

So we’ve learned that clothes change you… Let me ask you a question that can be viewed from many different angles. Do people change you? Rather, do you LET people change you? Answer ‘No’ to humor me, then you will see that you constantly rely on what OTHER people want. My really close friend Alex (not to be confused with Alex Huebner. Instead, his name is collectively, Alejandro A——-) always looks so perfect. Yes, I’m complimenting my friend–shut it! =] Anyway, he always tries to impress other people. One night, he was sweet enough to say, “I want to look perfect for you”… It was beautifully said, with a beautiful voice, from a beautiful friend… Awww. OH!

Back to topic.

The problem is, many of us dress because other people we hang around are either brainwashed or just dress up, or different… All I am saying is, try to be yourself. Don’t attempt to dress for others unless it satisfies (YOU GUESSED IT…) YOU! You design your personality. Be yourself. Make yourself. Mold yourself!

View the original pages of this blog post [new!]: Page #: 1 2 3 4

Rated TV-14 for Language and Shit. K?

I’m hurt by the simplest things…

Why is that?

People are horrible. According to an old EBay promotion scheme, they had the idea that “People are Generally Good.” Yeah, right. That’s why half the shit I bought on eBay was either not sent, didn’t work, or broke shortly thereafter. Oh how I love eBay.

But life, like eBay, fails us sometimes. It’s sad, really.

I know that I’m a sensitive person. We all know that. If you don’t, you probably just haven’t taken the time to get to know me. I… don’t want to finish this.

I just wish Alan would burn in Hell. Effective immediately.