edward fox’s reality

Rated TV-PG for Mild Language

I guess life would be the appropriate category for this post, eh?

Right now, quite a few things are confusing me. I don’t know what I should be doing. I know what I want to do, but even then, I know I shouldn’t, because … well, life is confusing.

Right now, I wish I wasn’t so sick. I’m cold and hot at the same time and no matter what time of day or night it is, I feel tired, irritable, and it’s getting on my nerves. I’m unsure of how people feel about me, and this is constantly running through my mind. Lately, it just feels like everything is falling apart– I hate that feeling. Why can’t life just be more enjoyable all the time? I’m not saying let it be pleasurable all the time, but why do I have to feel like something is wrong? When I said that Sunday was perfect, I had a feeling things wouldn’t be great since then, and sure enough, things all seem to be going wrong.

That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have in my life, but how can I appreciate it if I can’t really enjoy it?

I want to get things done, but I can’t. My mind is too distracted by what could happen or what already has. It’s like I can feel when something’s going to happen, but in this case, my sickness just makes my mind completely confused. It can’t think into anything, much less positive into anything. Long story short, nothing is truly wrong, but my mind is making me run in circles thinking something is.

I just want to be free dammit. I hate feeling like someone’s holding a pillow over my face. I’m just sitting in my house and I’m sweating. No, I’m not that fat. But I don’t want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here. I feel like I’m alone, but I know I am not alone. I just feel so disoriented. My heart and brain hurt. Why can’t this mess go away? I just want it to go away. Time, speed up, because I don’t like what I feel right now. Life isn’t so easy. It can’t always be how we want it to be.

I know what I know.

I can’t feel what I want to feel.

But I know what I know, and that is all that matters.

— Lyrics : “Kind of Perfect” - Armor for Sleep —

can i just be something
somewhere in your room
but you wont notice
maybe ill be paper
or books thrown on your floor
move me when you want to
ill lay where you put me
in your VCR
if i become a cassette
or on top of your computer
if that’s where i would fit
then so be it
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
i will not say one word
ill just hang around
i wont annoy you at all
when you move out ill stay
until i’m thrown away
but then it wont matter
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
because
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
i promise to stop now
to stop now
i promise to stop now
to stop now
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
letting go is my life
ill be on my way.

It’s spring, so things are a little brighter. Yay. Today isn’t my day. Maybe later…

Edit: It’s later, so, yeah, things are much better now.

Dear visitors of DRNx.net,

I feel that it is important for me to say that I have enjoyed working on my websites, all of them. From the early TTL, The Tech Link, to what has become of years of projects now, thefoxbox, and drnx, among many other sub-sites, I feel that it may be time to close one chapter of drnism [pronounced “dee-are-enn-iz-um”] and open a new one. What exactly does this mean?

Some of DRNx will be trashed, if not most of it. I realize that although this represents years of projects, work, unfinished ideas, and many memories, I think it’s time to make a new NEW DRNx. For the longest time, I was completely unsure as to what DRNx Nettwerk was still around for. If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t pay for the server space or bandwidth [and believe me, there’s PLENTY of both], it would be long gone.

I will sort of make a “drnx museum”, in which the old site will be moved to its own section. Here’s what I plan on doing:

• Current drnx.net site, poof! gone!, shoved into a shiny, cool folder
• The new drnx will be a nice location to discover new music, regardless of what genre it is. It will be more biased towards electronica, dance, rock, alternative, punk, and other things that make cool sounds. Just an idea I’m tossing around…

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated… or you can just sit there, and see what happens with www.drnx.net …

Sincerely,
F.S.

…but times change.

I don’t want to say it, but it’s time to move on, temporarily. Let us never forget our past, and not forget where we may be headed one day.

The times are confusing. Reducing my feelings at this time is one of the most damaging things I have ever felt… but I am just hoping for the following:

• I will develop enough social and maturity skills for me to be a more productive member of society;
• I will take medicine so that I can focus more on the things and people that matter, and less on those who don’t;
• Improve myself for me;
• Improve myself for Jose.

I understand that, at this time, I am not the best boyfriend, and I understand that I have problems, but I know that time heals all. I just hope that it can heal enough so that we may once again unite in the way I feel we were always intended to be. However, for now, I am satisfied with just being best friends with Jose, because there is no one else that I would rather spend my time with. Thank you for all that you do, and all that you have done.

Change is happening, and it’s for me, it’s for you, it’s for the better of everything.

<3

Don’t forget to subscribe! Please make an account as well, because then you can customize what categories you want to receive, and get other nifty stuff. I can send you special e-mails as well.

Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful
Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful
Intelligence Boi: you’re beautiful, it’s true
Intelligence Boi: i saw your face
Intelligence Boi: in a crowded place
Intelligence Boi: and i don’t know what to do
Intelligence Boi: because i’ll never be with you
Intelligence Boi: i’d rather get run over by a car
Intelligence Boi: it would feel so much better than this

i pray that it changes in due time. so much… so much. :’(

Almost 300 posts were imported. Now, it’s time to say… YAY.

My blog is finally officially open…

Many, MANY images will be broken, and that will be fixed in due time. Stand by

If you visited this page earlier, you probably saw a “Sorry, but what you are looking for isn’t here” message. This was because I was attempting to import all my blog entries with no success. Tragic, I know. So, I’m going to only import the latest 20 or so for now…

I will be posting my first entry quite shortly. With all this discussion about the immigration problem, I’m bound to have something to say about it.

Out for now.

My life is just peachy. Almost six months with my Jose, and everything thing seems to be going just great! Literally.

I know I have not updated, and the number of visitors to my blog continues to drop, and I apologize, but, I believe I will be working on getting some new software to have my blog on… even though I said I would not upgrade. Perhaps, I won’t upgrade. I don’t think I will, now that I think about it.

+New Computer: Old parts died out.
+Another new computer. Yes, two of them… Don’t ask.
+March 4, 2006, was an awesome day with friends and lovAr [http://myspace.com/drnx for slightly more info… Blog on there.]
+Trying to keep up with schoolwork.
+Even though I laughed, I may actually be able to become an Assistant Manager at work. HAHA. I still find it funny. To think, the place I hated would actually pay me $15 an hour. Cute.

I know this is short, but I have content [pictures!] to make up for it. I always say that, but now with two computers, I have an oddly strong motivation

That is all!

<3333 Jose

Zack’s t3h man

Rated TV-MA for Mature Language. Tis The Season To Hate Without Reason.

This is an irritating holiday season.

What’s good about it?

Some people got some gifts. Woot. I didn’t get any. At least, not that I know of. (Except Jose. Any references to humans, people, etc etc, are excluding him, and Zack, and Cal, and Chris, and anyone else listed on the bottom of this blog page as my friend.)

I don’t understand why people have to be so motherfucking difficult. But, that’s another issue.

Who’s heard any good news, gifts aside? All I’ve heard from people was that they had surgery, either required or unplanned, people are pissed off at each other, people didn’t get what they wanted to for who they wanted it for, the list goes on and on…

But, let’s think.

Why are we expecting the holidays to be any cheerier?

Suicides sharply increase around the holidays. Must be all that affection we have for one another in America, right? Oh, whoops, it’s.. EXCEPT America.

We’ve become a very detached nation. If you didn’t know that already, then you’d become detached… We’re the most unsocial people that I’ve ever seen.

I feel like deleting all of that.

You can tell my thoughts are detached when I don’t make any actual paragraphs. I feel so uncomfortable right now, and it is pissing me off more than you can ever imagine. Uncomfortable. Warm, outside. Angry, inside. Confused, who knows where. That’s what makes it fucking confusion.

I don’t like expressing anger in my posts.

Holidays suck. They really do.

However, I’m going to do something different than what most of us did on the 25, or 24 for some Hispanics… and that is, be thankful for what I already have… and what I don’t.

I’m happy that I:
+have Jose, someone who will care about me more than anyone else. Someone I can share the rest of my life with because we get along so well. We’re so different, and disagree on so many things, but that makes us even more perfect. =] Jose is just plain awesome. More than awesome. **baby boi, you are perfect :D**

Normally I would post this kind of stuff in an image, but my head and body is hurting too much at the moment to do anything too strenuous.

Thank god for music. I don’t know what I would do without it… especially electronic music. I also don’t know what I would do without Jose. =]

Zack, I have to be thankful for him, my best friend… Not much else to say. Just read through my posts and you’ll see me talking about him.

Other people… yeah. I’m glad you’re here.

I just hope next year won’t be as disappointing as this year, but as life continues to unravel, I’m not really certain of anything… It seems that it gets more difficult… some things are so rediculously easy, and we long for that so bad. The easy shit. Why? Why can’t everything just be average… normal… There is no such thing. It’s disappointing. I’m rambling without end. I’ll stop now.

If you’re holidays are going good, 99% of Americans envy you.

BYE.

Eek.

I haven’t done a blog entry in a long-ass time.

I had an iPod Video 60GB, then returned it. Don’t buy one of those if you aren’t going to buy a HARD case for it as well. A case that covers the SCREEN, too. Why the hell do they even make ‘cases’ that don’t cover the screen, the part which apple was being sued over? Eh.

Anyway, I took this picture and I just love it. It has significance if you find my MySpace and Jose’s…

– click on it to see the full size.

ANYWAY.

I’ve been oddly busy. Work has been taking up quite a bit of my time. School ends tomorrow… but I still must register for classes. I’ll do that later on.

I’m just doing wonderfully! If that’s the right way to say it..

I know I haven’t kept up much. Why not? I don’t understand why… I want to say a lot, I always do.

Yesterday, I was really annoyed with my mother. Aww, doesn’t that sound childish? But seriously, I’m 18 and she complains about who I’m friends with, then told me that I could not see Jose, my favorite person in the world! Well, this made my night even more disappointing. **hint hint: look @ pic…**

All right. So then I was talking to Zack and he told me to look at it in a positive way, even if I couldn’t really see one, and that there was one. He said that at least I had a car to see Jose with sometimes in the first place. In the end, my stomach ache went away, I got to see Jose because mommy was nice enough to leave the car (I was sort of figuring that, even though she went to bed saying she wouldn’t) and I got to see my boi Jose! Everything worked out perfectly… and it still does.

In other news, don’t buy car seat covers. They look like @#$#, unless, of course, your cat already peed on the seat and you already made a mess on them. Otherwise, they’re terrible!

For new readers, I used to rate my blog TV-G but then realized.. if there’s nothing to warn you about, why tell you in the first place?

All right. It’s been about five minutes since I started typing this. I suppose I should get going to go pick up my mother… we get to go see my dad. If you were over here, you’d see that I am not, not excited at all. He wants to see me every week, though. what’s up with that? He leaves for a few years, and now wants to remain in .. constant.. contact with me. It’s quite sad. He has no one else… so turn back to the people who cared about you.

Then again, why’d he make the mistakes to get rid of us in the first place?

I guess life sometimes disillusions us into thinking other things are better than what we already have. The “grass is greener on the other side” nonsense.

This was just a filler entry… and that didn’t take long at all. Six minutes! Yeah, I do type too fast…

Hope everyone has a great day. I’m having the time of my life!

Zack’s t3h man