edward fox's reality

The past few weeks have been a huge challenge for me. I don’t exactly know why, but sometimes, we don’t need a reason to feel a certain way. Before I get into the letdowns of life, I want to first talk about happiness and sadness, and why the two go hand in hand. If you already think you know what I’m going to say, then you can skip past the next paragraph.

The number-one emotion we try to get rid of and stop feeling is sadness. This is obvious because no one likes feeling sad. Unfortunately, I believe that this emotion also ties back to happiness. We all love being happy, otherwise we wouldn’t call that feeling that we feel “happy.” We would label it melancholy or neutral or some other word that is obscure but relates enough to what we feel that it makes our complacent selves feel more in the know of what we don’t know about the being inside us. Now, with that said, how often do you try to shake off other emotions? It’s not done very often. Jealousy, anger, and happiness, are just some examples of emotions that we don’t always try to suppress. Perhaps that is because we feel like these are things we should not contain. We should not be forced to contain our disdain (song title, anyone?) with anything…

This is a stub of a blog entry. It was never finished and was originally written on January 19, 2007 at night.

No job brings a lot of other issues to face… and great emo songs. Care to listen along with this track? DOWNLOAD MP3 [link] and Save Target As.

Story of The Year ~ A Silent Murder

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song.

I was told I had a great personality but they decided to seek someone else for the position to be filled. That’s why I’m never too confident when it comes to employment… I’m sure something else will come up soon. Now to scrounge around for food a little more.

I’m just posting this as an update. I know I said I would know by 12pm, but I won’t know until 12:30 to 4:30PM this afternoon. Hopefully it won’t be that late, and I will immediately post the results because my temp agency will be notified and will notify me right away by the end of business today… WISH ME LUCK………

The ticking grows louder and louder with each passing minute that I’m sitting at home, a sitting duck, waiting for the call that will change my life in a good way, or make me continue living the same rut that I’ve been in for many months now. I’m getting sick of the waiting. On Friday, hopefully before noon, the wait will be over. But until then, it’s driving me crazy. Will I get the job? I hope I do. I so desperately need it. My mom needs it. We need it. We need the money… I’d like to have extra spending money, as well. It’s really just one of those things that ruins everything else. Makes a good day turn bad… not knowing the outcome.

I don’t understand why I grow so impatient. I’m supposed to be optimistic, but I find that sometimes, my optimism brings more confusion than if I’m simply neutral about the issue at hand… The issue at hand is what everything revolves around in today’s society–money. It’s very painful to avoid the topic wherever I go, whatever I do; I can never stop thinking about money. I feel greedy– I want to hold a nice, thick stack of 100-dollar bills. Not just one, but ten of them, from my last paycheck. I want to feel the power that I haven’t had for so long. I want to be bringing home the bacon, and not just scrounging around for some in our fridge. I want to actually be a man.

I want to be useful, productive, strong. I want to be everything, at times, that it seems impossible for me to reach. It’s just one of those things that makes the pressure seem so immense that I’m not moving anywhere, like being trapped in a pathetic bubble of gum, unable to move anywhere. I may stretch the bubble out, but it won’t pop–not for me, not yet. Not till Friday at noon…

All this “new” talk probably makes me sound a tad ungrateful. In reality, however, it’s just the opposite. You’ll see shortly, but first a word from our sponsors.

YOU CAN BE APPROVED TODAY! Do you have $199?! Do you want $3,000 Minimum for your Trade?! Well, then….oh wait. I don’t have advertisements. I pay for my web site with my own money. Back to the blog entry.

I’m not going to be too forward, but I have been offered a job interview at a company. Statistically speaking, I have a 50% chance of getting into the job. It’s a small 10-person company that consults with individuals and small businesses for computer / technology repair. I would be doing clerical work, primarily with Microsoft Excel.

Realistically speaking, however, I will have about a 95% chance of scoring the job due to my scores on the exams. Pretty sweet.

So… I’m going to do something special for all of my friends and you’re all invited… but I’m not going to tell you what it is until I actually get the job, because that’d be a huuuuge disappointment for all of us. I am sure I will, but sometimes, surprises are nice, right?! I’ll post a blog within 30 minutes of finding out I got the job. I should know by 12PM on Friday morning. WISH ME LUCK!

In case you haven’t noticed, I actually put together a new MySpace layout. It wasn’t made entirely from scratch, but it’s a design I really like and plan to stick with for a while. It’s very clean, simple, and neat, and I imagine I will be putting and changing the background to have a picture to suit my needs, moods, and feelings. Check it out for yourself: http://myspace.com/drnx …

I’m also trying to lose the weight I put on since mid-2005 and trying to go even lower than that. It’s another 40 lbs. till I’m where I want to be, but at 10 lbs. a month, I’ll be more than set for the trip to California I’m planning with my friends this summer. Want to come along?! I’ll take as many people as two or three cars can hold. I’m getting a new car (hopefully a Gallant Ralliart… or a Jetta) so people won’t feel so squished the way they do in my present vehicle, a 2005 Nissan Sentra 1.8S.

Granted, it is just a MySpace, and it may say simple things, but these simple things mean more to me than you can imagine. A lot of things and people mean more to me than you can imagine. But that’s all for another blog entry. Take care everyone, and enjoy my new MySpace.

P.S. I’ll be keeping everyone updated at least once a month on how my weight loss is going. I’m not going to say how much I weigh now, nor my target weight, until I’m within 10 lbs. of it!

P.P.S. My trip to Cali and Vegas will have a much more thorough blog entry regarding unofficial dates, things to do, places to see, etc. And yes, we are definitely drinking, and yes, we are definitely gambling. K THNX.

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language. How Tasteful!

This may confuse you at first, but as you read it, you’ll hopefully understand what the difference is from how I was just last week, and months ago, to now. Enjoy!

Consider this. You are at home, enjoying some music. You message your friend asking if he would like to hang out. He says “Sure, why not?” You say, “Great!” and add it to your Google Calendar. All right, maybe you’re not this nerdy, but you make a mental note of the occasion. You’re all excited, and then as you’re still online about thirty minutes later, your friend says that unfortunately he cannot spend time with you because of unforeseen circumstances. Basically, he can’t hang out. “That sucks” is your reply, and he goes on about his newly scheduled business. Basically, he goes on with the crap he has to do that he doesn’t want to do. You go back to your music and MySpace-ing. See? I told you I was talking about YOU!

All right. So why did I give this cheesy example? Simple! It is because I wouldn’t have been able to do this not even a week ago… I want to let everyone in on a little secret…

Aside from being bi-polar (unanticipated secret #1?!) and needing to take medicine for mood stabilization and ADD [attention-deficit disorder] (secret two, anyone?), I also take medicine for a very, very mild form of psychizophrenia. But don’t go hiding from me now, because all these medicines have finally clicked in and arrived at a wonderful unison. Basically, they all fuckin’ work, finally. So that means that I can go out in public and not feel like everyone’s staring at me while also feeling the urge to talk to everyone and tell my life story while not realizing they don’t care and then get angry at them. In order from left to right, that’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is mild psychizophrenia, very mild that it just called OCD instead; ADD; then bi-polar disorder when my mood randomly switches from hot to cold by small events that would seem relatively uneventful to someone else.

Relatively… uneventful. Now is it making sense? I hope so.

Basically, I can enjoy going out or staying at home, and that is something I was never able to do. Whenever I sat at home, I couldn’t just be myself and enjoy my own company, like many people can do. But, now, I finally can, and it feels really nice, because remember the thing about hanging out? Yeah, that happened to me yesterday. And I didn’t mind.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a bad thing, for people who are social, friendly, and open to meeting new people. Do these qualities describe you? If so, then we’ll get along fine. However, if you are negative, a pain in the ass, antisocial, or a mix of these, also known as how I used to be, then I’m sorry, my ex-friend, but it seems like we will no longer be compatible. It’s really heart-breaking that I have to say that, because I know a lot of my friendships are going to be swapped around and out, as they have been lately, but that’s how life is. The only constant is change, said by Jose Jimenez, and probably 20,000 other people on this glorious earth.

I was explaining this to Javier, and went through the fundamentals of why I feel this change and how I know it happened. I did catch myself before I confused both of us too much, and so I’m going to give a brief breakdown of how I know this is different. I’m not going to give too many details, but I want everyone to have a fair understanding of what’s going on. Basically, I’m going to rep’ who I am now. Aiight?! Aiight. Here’s how it be.

A few days ago, I started feeling differently. I wasn’t bothered by little things. I started driving slower. I wasn’t in a rush all over the place. I stopped getting randomly pissed off… It all clicked. I was normal. I am normal, and it feels nice.

Some of you may not understand… but I am who I have always wanted to be. Granted, I have a few extra pounds on me, and my hair’s curlier than I’d like it to be, but inside, it’s me, and that’s who I want to be. It’s a crazy development that finally took place after many years of being negative and hateful, but I’m ready to be part of the real world.

Simply put, the types of people that I’m drawn to now aren’t the same as before. The people I like talking to now are friendly and open-minded… This was different from before. I don’t mind anyone who disagrees with me. I don’t mind people who choose to live their life the way they want to, as long as they let me live mine the way I want to. Welcome to Normality, and here’s a cheers to all of us who truly live it.

I’m happy I can finally be me. There’s no imitation now. No more waiting… It’s all me, now. For real. Aiight?! Aiight.

P.S. Hope that cleared it up, Javier. Heh.