edward fox’s reality

Why would anyone be happy about something like this? Because it’s a step in the right direction with my body and my life.

I check my BMI (Body Mass Index) every few months. I put a link in that last sentence to adult calculator. If you are under 20, you can use this one. Even though you can smoke, your body isn’t finished developing entirely until you turn 21.

I used to be obese. Used to, as in, a few days ago. Now, my weight is right around 200, which puts me into the overweight category.

According to healthandfitness.com glossary, obesity is defined as follows:

“excessive fat; women-30% or more body fat; men-20% or more”

On the BMI scale, if you are over 30, you are considered obese. I like the little rotating one I have on my refrigerator. It’s a magnet from some pharmeceutical company that my mom brought home about a year ago. BMIs higher than 40 apparently get you to the “Very Obese” category. Yeah… all right. Moving on. The formula for BMI calculation with adults is as follows: weight (lb) / [height (in)]² x 703. (http://www.cdc.gov/) I don’t honestly know where that number came from, but if you click the CDC link, it will take you to the information page.

My BMI is sitting right around a mid 29. I would like it to be no higher than 25, because at my height, 18.5-25 is Normal. Of course, the number will vary based on your height. With that in mind, 125 to 168 lbs. would be the safe range for me. I would love to be 160. Seriously. That would rock. Anyway, enough self-motivation.

I’ll blog about something a bit more serious soon, I promise. It involves family, among other sensitive topics.

“Stay tuned“… because my blog has all the news that’s fit to print. Till next time.

Commenting is locked on this post, since it’s sort of just personal expression of thoughts.

So I have a sliver… of free time.

I have gradually been separating from the Me that I want to be, the past few days. I apologize… “to all of my friends”… You’ll never step foot in my room again.

No, I’m just being silly.

I’m being silly because I’ve been acting stupid.

How else can stupidity be responded to? My point exactly.

I don’t like that I beat myself up for little things. That’s what I think they are. Once I do that, they turn into big things… an evil snowball.

Sometimes, things just don’t make sense. I can accept that, and will try to more often, if not always.

However, I can’t do that if my medicine is working against me. Same old story, true, but I’m not going to get stuck with it.

This is one of those really random posts… That is all.

Again, I apologize to everyone I have been an ass to. I offended pretty much everyone in all of my classes today, and offended everyone yesterday, I’m sure, in one way or another. Again, I sincerely apologize. I don’t know what’s been up with me. Things are great, but sometimes, I just can’t feel that way.

We can’t all have great days, every day. But, as long we don’t idle on it, then we’ll be able to enjoy, at least, the rest of our day. That’s what I’ll try to do more. Never feel like I am ignoring something I have done wrong, friends, family, anyone and everyone. I know, and think about it. I just won’t let myself idle on it as I have in the past. It just makes things worse.

I want to do the right thing, so that is what I will do, to the best of my ability. I care, and can only care as much as I let myself, which is a challenge sometimes. Sometimes, I care too much… It’s always about finding that perfect balance.

Yesterday and today were not good days at all. I’m sure they’ll improve. They always do. They always will.

The word “amazing” doesn’t necessarily mean positive or good, or great. It means something that stands out from the rest.

However, amazing is, to the say the least, definitely being used in a positive sense when I say that it has been one year today with my baby, Jose. I know that not everything is okay right now, and that things are a little strained, but I have so much confidence and faith in our relationship, and most importantly, love and respect for my one true love, and I know that will get us through all challenging times. I love you, very much, Jose, and hope I can see you tonight. This is a very, very important day for me. To think, over one year ago (11:29 and 45 seconds! I asked you out for the first time. I remember, we have had our share of problems, our share of confusion, disbelief… but when it all comes down to it, it’s what we still have. We still have each other, our memories, and our experiences that we have learned from. You said you loved how I always cherished the time I got to spend with you. Well, same to you, my baby boi. I love how you cherish all that we have been through as well, because it’s time for the calm after the storm. Yes, it has been long overdue, but it is here.

Happy Anniversary once again, my love. It will only get better, better, better. <3

Normally, I wouldn’t divulge my secrets of how to put such coooool things on a site, but I guess since I didn’t figure it out on my own, I’ll let you know how I did it.

In case you haven’t figured out what I’m referring to, go to my blog updates page here.

Now, on with the ‘lesson.’ Check out this site first: http://www.seekcodes.com/myspace_aim_status.php?aim=yourSN. It shows you a pretty easy way to slap up a pre-made icon, and it will switch from ON to OFF … line, depending on which one you are. But, if you are savvy enough to make your own icons, and enjoy dabbling with photo-editing, feel free to use this simple code to put your own image up:

< "img src=http://big.oscar.aol.com/YOUR-AOL-SN-HERE?
on_url=http://www.seekcodes.com/aim/online.gif&
off_url=http://www.seekcodes.com/aim/offline.gif>

As we can see, ?on_url= needs to be modified, so simply paste the new URL of wherever you put your file into this and it will display when you are signed on to AOL. off_url needs to be replaced, too, so change that. And once you put that code on your page, you will be all set… until AOL changes their code again. If you’re wondering how I made mine so you can click on it and it loads my AIM window, check out this page: http://www.tech-recipes.com/instant_messaging_tips500.html. They will fill you in on those details. I had enough trouble making the little greater- and less-than symbols display without having to do little A HREF links. You should know that by now. (;

Mobile Note: I’m not sure how this works with AOL Mobile, so when you find out, let me know! This is my first tip on my blog… and I will hopefully make more. It has its own category now, under news.

Note: WS means web site, MS means MySpace, and X means Xanga. I wanted to condense.

JOSE IS AWESOME!

Another one of those memos… I’m thinking to make a category for these memos…. *DONE!*

Memoes edited to remove the business/economic factor from them. After all, they are sent from my boss…

What is the origin of true ambition? There exists really only one place to find true ambition and that is within you - in every thought, in every movement, in every motivation. Your ambition is an expression of who you truly are, your own self-expression.

Self-expression. Isn’t self-expression really self-direction? How you think, how you move, how you motivate yourself. Ambition is a result of self-direction and self-direction is one of the six key principles necessary for building ambition. Positive self-direction says, “I know who I am and I know where I want to go. I’m accumulating knowledge and experiences and feelings and philosophies that will help prepare me for opportunities that I know will show up without notice or any help on my part.” Because you know where you want to go, you have already been working on the parts of your personality that will make you better. Working on your attitude, working on your health, working on your time management skills. Putting it all down on paper. And you constantly see yourself in the place you want to be, going in the direction you want to go.

Direction determines destination. So here is a question you must ask yourself, “Are all the disciplines that I’m currently engaged in taking me where I want to go?” What an important question to ask yourself at the beginning of the month, the beginning of the week, the beginning of the day. Because here is what you don’t ever want to do - kid yourself. Kid your neighbor, kid me and everyone else, but don’t kid yourself - fingers crossed - hoping you will arrive at a good destination when you’re not even headed that way. You have to ask yourself often, Am I? Am I doing the disciplines that are taking me in the direction I want to go? Don’t neglect to ask these important questions, questions that help determine your direction, the set of your sail, your destination.

—

Very interesting message this time around. Direction determines destination… There is a common thread, it seems, in all of any motivational messages, as I like to label these as well. It’s one of those things where you are in control of yourself. Sounds pretty sweet– you can pave your own roads, make your own maps, and choose your own route. However, again, we’re in a vast world, only a small piece in all of it. We can only do so much on our own… The world has to cooperate, otherwise we won’t get anywhere.

This sounds confusing, because we all think we are in control of ourselves… But I wonder. What if we take ourselves out of the situation, and look in through the window, into the conflict, the argument, the problem? Is there even one, or are we just idling on a stone in the road that we can step over, or a bigger object on the road that we can drive around?

Yeah, the path is ours, but others may travel down it, too, and if we aren’t all willing to get to where we want to go, we might as well tear up the maps now, as we’re all lost in our own world, without seeing what’s around us.

My mind won’t let me.

It just doesn’t make sense.

Why can’t I control myself? My life? My mind?…

I’m not just saying this to make excuses. To sleep more than half the hours in a day isn’t right… to not be able to focus.. to constantly worry… This is not how I want to live my life.

I don’t want to have to need these. I don’t. I don’t want to feel confused, and hurt those I love most. I wish I could just relax… I wish I could be happy. I wish I could make things better… If I am given the chance, I will try my hardest. I’ve had it with myself…

The picture is blurry for a reason. My mind isn’t clear at all, so neither should the photograph of what’s taken over it.

I love you, Jose. I know you can feel that. I hope you can find it in your heart to realize that I never meant to hurt you… I never would intentionally do that. I can’t wait until we speak again.

Rated TV-14 for Mature Language.

I can’t get to where I want to go.

Why the confusion? I don’t know… But if I could break it down into Jeopardy categories, the list would read something like this:

• Uncertain Future
• Back to the Beginning
• The End
• Medicinal Misunderstandings
• Unaccomplished Accomplishments
• Carrying On (Hover over link for its description)

If I could just go away, disappear, whenever I felt this way, and not put any pain or disorientation upon anyone, I would love that. Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, or any power, or energy, for that matter. I have caused the most hurt and sadness to Jose because of this, and I apologize for that, baby. The part that makes this the most challenging is that I am satisfied with life, and if I could just feel that way, it would make my life that much easier, for myself, for everyone…

Uncertain future refers to the fact that I may not want to do something with Business all my life… I know this isn’t a major thing (no pun intended, seriously), but it prevents me from doing my homework as thoroughly as I want to, and that sucks. A lot. I can’t ever really get anything I want to get done on time…

Back to the beginning refers to the fact that I try moving forward but get rejected back to where I started… Nothing works most of the time, nothing…

The end refers to my thinking about the passing of loved ones, almost entirely about my mom… I know that she probably has many years to live, but the way she says things sometimes, it makes it seem like she doesn’t have long at all, and this really crushes my reason to do anything sometimes, because I just want to please her and make her happy, and I want to make everyone happy… Sometimes my voice gets drowned out… I make myself insignificant. This isn’t a healthy way of approaching anything… I’m trying not to be this way. It’s just that she is my only blood-related [again, another phrase I made up on my own] family member that I’ve had…

Things just don’t feel right sometimes, most of the time, and I don’t know why. They just feel so, so wrong… like I am wrong. I don’t belong. I need to just go away from everything and everyone, to solve my problems for the moment… because I am no good right here for the moment. That’s how it feels.

Medicinal Misunderstandings refers to the fact that my psychiatrist doesn’t seem to really give a shit about what is going on in my head as opposed to his incentives and kickbacks for pushing certain prescriptions. I didn’t want to believe this, but two months of my life have been falsely put into the hands of this guy, and he never even listened. I don’t know why I kept putting it off… so I finally took action and I’m going to see another psychiatrist tomorrow at 4:30, one who will listen more. It’s sad when you are even paying someone to listen to you, and they don’t care enough to do that.

Unaccomplished accomplishments refers to the fact that I try to make progress, and think I have, but it’s all part of my mind game. I literally mean that. The game my mind is playing on me.

Carrying on stands for the song that I’ve listened to at least 20-30 times today, and that number will just keep going up as the day and week goes on, My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade.” The link above (in the list) has a direct link to the MP3 on my site if you want to download it…

What does it mean, though? Carrying on… To me, it means, I have tried one way, but it’s time to try another. It’s just time to keep trying harder, and harder, and harder, and when will it end? I am not certain at all. Perhaps never. Maybe that is the point of life, constantly having new obstacles to get where we want to be…

I know life is supposed to be challenging, but… my mind makes it impossible. When you want to cry for the rest of the day for no reason, when you feel like you can’t get close to anyone in fear of losing control of yourself, losing control of your mind, losing control of what you say and do, when you feel like you’re just falling down into a very deep hole and there’s no end in sight… The panic is just there, and it’s making sure it’s known and acknowledged, all the time in my head… Do I make excuses for what I say and how I act? Yes. Are they reasons? I don’t know… All I know is that if I have to apologize and make excuses for things, it’s because I didn’t want to do them in the first place. Some people say that they will never apologize for what they have done because at the time, that’s exactly what they wanted. That just doesn’t make sense. That’s saying you should use the same mindset for the rest of your life if you already messed up once before and it’s acceptable. I refuse to be beaten by my own thinking, my own mind. My heart is stronger than my mind will ever be, and in times of great confusion, that’s all I can listen to… The only one who has my heart is Jose, and that will never change, ever. I apologize for being so needy lately, and by lately I mean always… I am just as tired of not being able to enjoy life and calm down as ever, and that dissatisfaction keeps growing by the second, but some things are beyond my control… I know you understand that and take that into consideration, and I appreciate you very much for doing that. Very, very, very much. No one else would listen to me the way you do, even my closest friends… One of my best friends laughs at half the things when I say I’m crying and I can’t feel… It’s like almost no one listens to me, so this is my way of saying I apologize for putting it all on you, baby. It’s just that I get let down by myself, or I let myself down… but I will not give up. I cannot give up. Just like my mom will not give up with her back pain and other problems she faces, I will not give up, especially in a battle within myself. I just want you to know that I will always care about you, very much, and want to be better very soon.

Like you said, I need to think about if it’s making me feel better, and the bottom line: the medicine didn’t, and it’s time for another change. File Menu > New Game again, and I’m ready. I don’t want to restart. I don’t want to take two steps back and no steps forward. My mind is so unfair to me. It doesn’t give me a chance to think for myself. It always has random noise running through it, and music, and things that don’t matter, and I can never, ever focus… This may sound like an excuse in certain ways, but it isn’t… I know what I feel randomly isn’t normal. I know that it’s not normal to walk out in front of my house and see that one of my neighbors are outside and instantly feel nervous and anxious, and like they are staring at me, and against me. I know it’s not normal to walk around and judge everything and everyone, at least, in a way that I don’t want to… If that doesn’t entirely make sense, it’s basically because I can’t feel how I want to. Well, you may be thinking, we can’t always choose how we are feeling… but… I know almost everyone can, better than me.

I miss being able to be happy. I miss being truly satisfied with life, without my mind thinking “something bad is going to happen because things are going good.” Being positive isn’t enough. Trying isn’t enough. Trying harder and hardest will get me a lot closer, but I know I need some form of medication of advice… I need professional advice, please. Someone please pay attention to me. I don’t want to force you to. Please listen to me, best friends, friends, blog readers. Where are all of you when I need you? On AIM? Watching TV? Hanging out with other friends? What’s going on? Do you even know I am here? You people, you let me down… you let me down so much… Your names need not be mentioned. I can’t do this on my own, and I do not want to put it all on my love, Jose.

Passing blame is so easy, yeah, I know, but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just a human asking another human for a little help. Please don’t just tell me you are sorry. I need more than that, people. What do I need? Just a little attention… I give you attention, don’t I? I am not asking you to always be here for me to talk to… just once in a while… We can’t all function and do everything on our own, otherwise we wouldn’t have cities and communities and networks of people.

However, the biggest portion of problems falls upon myself. I want to be social. I want to be positive. I want to feel. I want to feel happy. I want to get things done. I want to actually have energy. I want to not feel like I haven’t received sleep for days, all the time. I just want to be me. I just seriously want to be myself. I want to represent myself. My mind won’t let me live my life as I want to, as I choose to. We are victims of our own mistakes, our own choices, but what if we can’t choose those choices and problems? Sort of twists the word ‘choice’ into nothing.

My deepest apologies, with all of my heart, to my love, Jose. You have put up with so much, and I will never give up, for me, for you, for us, baby. I will not let that happen. I know I am strong, and I want to be me, the me we all know I can be. The Me you know is inside me somewhere. The Me I can’t be because my mind doesn’t let me. I know it sounds so weird… but that’s truly how it feels, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray to feel better soon. My life, my happiness, your happiness, my mom’s happiness, my future, the present, depends on it. I just want to be me, and not let anything or anyone except the real Me be in control of who I am and how I feel. A struggle against one’s self. Briefly mentioned in Philosophy Ethics, but a battle bigger than I could have ever anticipated.

It’s just so sad, because I am happy, and I just can’t feel it. Things are fine. My apologies again, my love, Jose, for all the stress and confusion I cause whenever I ramble like this and whenever I act oddly or become randomly emotional. These are not my intentions at all. In the meantime, I will still push to stand my ground in my personal battle reaching outside of me, affecting those around me, especially you, baby, and all those I care about… I pray to be able to feel, and feel how I want to, and be in control of my actions and mind, and be sound in all aspects of the word… I will try harder, and harder, no matter how much it may take out of me, because it’s already taken so much away from me, and I have not been able to completely enjoy the happiest memories I have made this past year, with Jose, and in general, and I will not let that continue. I will do my part. I will. Confusion will die. Disappointment will die. The not real Me will be dismissed. I will be Me.

My financial firm’s boss mails out a memo, usually one each weekday. I couldn’t believe how accurate the delivery of today’s message was in relation to the circumstances I’m going through… Check it out, and maybe it will influence you, too.

“Before you choose your goals, it is wise to first choose who you want to become. Throughout your life, you will be constantly changing and becoming someone new, either slightly or significantly different from the previous version. With each change you will move forward or slip back. For most people, change just happens. Change is considered an external event that occurs randomly and haphazardly, and there is very little that can be done about it. Most people unknowingly allow themselves to be shaped by their circumstances. But as James Allen Wrote in As a Man Thinketh, ‘Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him.’

This is one of the most important laws of human nature ever discovered. Our circumstances are just a reflection of what is going on inside our private world of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. As we begin to change, our world changes with us. As we become better, our lives become better. Changing circumstances requires that you first change yourself. To have it any other way is to have the cart before the horse.”

I have noticed that a lot of people blame their circumstances on things around them instead of things inside them. Maybe we should all give that a little thought this morning. What do we want and what are we willing to do to get it?”

Those last two paragraphs sound like something I would write, but again, not from me, my boss it is.

Things are good, but there are still those days when life’s biggest problems glare at you with all their might, and when nothing seems to be going right… (Oh yay, it RhYmEs! I’m so tacky sometimes. OOPS! I did it again.)

• Money. It seems we don’t have enough of it at my house.
• Misunderstandings. They are all over the place and it brings me down way too much, too hard, too often, again, at my house.
• Medicine: I forgot to take it today. Maybe that’s why I feel under par, who knows? Maybe it is effective, who knows, again?
• Material Online: Already due, and just like that, I lost 20% of my possibility of getting an “A” in the class. Thank you, website, for notifying me a day after the assignment was posted and due, that I needed to complete it. Thank you, very much.

Sometimes I just feel like such a lazy bastard who never gets anything done. Yeah, part of that is my bad, and I’ll agree. However, we can’t all be perfect all the time, and I’m trying. Why can’t people, especially my mom, accept that? It makes me wonder how much better life would be if it wasn’t infused with hellish arguments at earth-shaking decibel levels, completely inappropriate for their nature. Sometimes, I just can’t resist to push back after being pushed. It just sucks. How long can we stay sitting and while succumbing to being sitting ducks? [Editor’s Note…that’s me: I had to type that word about six times into Google and dictionary.com before I realized it had a “B.” I’m not as smart as I type. ;)]

Again, things are good, but sometimes, the pleasures get lost amidst the sea of confusion of what is, what isn’t, what’s lost, and what hasn’t been found… but remaining optimistic and true to myself, I know that there will always be good in my life, and I will always be appreciative for it. This isn’t a “hard time” for me– it’s just a time that I would like to press the Fast-Forward button on, if I had a remote for my life. I’m sure I would use it way too often, though, trying to make highs for myself, like sugar highs that people get from drinking soda sometimes. Sure, it’s pleasurable, but sometimes, too much is just too much, right?

I digress. Too often.

Notice how I tried to make my list up there all start with “M”…. I don’t like M. Of course, “A” and “T” and “Q” and “H” and “W” would all have been much more suitable choices for the final item, but just keeping things … weird, is what I like to do sometimes.

I digress. Again.

Now on to the finer points in life. Jose is awesome! Now that I’ve become slightly more level-headed (such an anti-exaggeration; whatever you can call that without the “anti” in just one word works, too), it makes for a much finer relationship. Yay for working on things I need to work on. I do look forward to growing up more, as long as everyone else grows up with me, and sometimes, that’s the biggest challenge of them all, having people you care about most refuse to grow with you, or at least, what I like to call disentialism from working with me and moving forward to a better place and better life… This word appears nowhere on the Internet, in any newspapers, magazines, or books. It comes from entail, which means (in its lesser known definition) to require. Dis-entail means to leave out, or detach from, so disentalism would be… well, you get the idea. Finally, a word that I made up, like randomocity, that hasn’t been plastered all over the Internet yet.

But, life is still very, very satisfying. I am happy with the way things are going. I just wish I could always see things for what they are, and that my mom especially, and anyone who doesn’t listen to what I am saying, would see it, too…

But we can’t always have what we want.

File Menu > New Game please. I wait for your arrival. Only Jose will know what I’m talking about. You are awesome baby! Thank you for everything =] ONE YEAR on the 14! YAYYYY! ^_^

P.S. Sorry for not writing in my blog forever. It’s funny because I only planned on this being four lines long, those four bullets… Funny how things grow if you let them. (: