edward fox's reality

NEW! You must be logged in to see this text, because this post sucks, and only those who really care enough to read it, can. So, yeah. Â

Editor’s… er, Blogger’s Note: I didn’t feel like this is the real me. I’ll let you know when it’s really me talking… Here’s a confused entry for all of you. Sucks. Comments are off because this blows. Â

THE EMO CRONICLES, PART ONE.

Boo Me. Not the Real Me. What? Run that by me again. Representing the confused part of me, Captain Emo! Why am I calling this the Emo Chronicles? Well, that deserves bolding!

Why Emo-C? Over the next few months, I’m going to be doing a ‘dramatic restructuring’ of self, so before I really get into my emoness, I’ll discuss a few things that I want to change, only those which apply to everyone. Personal changes will remain personal, and only the one who needs to know those will know, about, those. So, shove along, and here we go.

What’s going to change? There are a few things which relate to one another, in some way. See if you can figure it out as you read through my list, listed in no particular order of importance.

• Negativitiy: This has been one of my biggest problems which causes a lot of ‘drama’ in my life, if you want to call it that. It’s basically unnecessary stress.
• Relaxing: Sometimes, I just get too excited about things that I shouldn’t, or too worked up in little things… I just need to chill.
• Slow Down: Though these sound similar, I need to take time with each thing I do.

There are many, MANY other things that I know I need to work on, and those will come in the future, or not at all, depending on how much I want all of you to know about me. (; That’s another good point, I need to not talk so much and reveal everything…

What’s Emo: Talking about Everything to Everyone. Do you care? Hold up– there’s nothing wrong with not caring. I just need to figure out what’s appropriate to say when. That’s always been one of my biggest problems… I open up way too easily. I need to not do that. That unfortunately goes along with moving along too fast in life. Not everyone wants to hear my life story, and that’s understandable… not only is that understandable, but I like it. I really do. I like knowing that only certain people want to hear everything about me, everything I have to say. Those are my best friends

Now, allow me to be truly emo for a bit.

I get twisted up in my own emotions, don’t know why. I just need to trust myself with what I say, because if I say what I feel, then there will be no cause for confusion. There will be no disorientation in what I should be saying. I just need to relax, and let life be in control, instead of pushing it into the direction I want it to. Moving faster than everything and everyone else will only put me behind. That’s all. Join me next week for the next edition of EC!

What’s Emo — Emo Track of the Week: Amber Pacific — Save Me From Me Lyrics

If you only knew the pain
The pain I keep inside
The pain that makes me “me”
Then without it who am I
In a room with broken walls
I lay in scene and dreams
I want you to see

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breathe for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

And I’m losing my will
Just to hold you in
I’m giving up the hope
That you could have been the one
To save me from me
And now our lips will meet
and i’ll taste their defeat
I’ll give in this once

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

Still I know I’ll carry on
Guide me through the life I lost
To find these faults in me
To find these faults in me

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

I’m cold and white
I’m holding on
I’ll try to breath for you
I’m crying out
I’m singing loud
You could be all I need

To save me from me

One thing I have a habit of doing is going over what’s happened in the past, not because I enjoy living in it, but because I see the value of it. Short and sweet, this is all.

Isn’t that lovely? I think it’s lovely. Coming up next, an actual entry, another series.

Please Note: This isn’t meant to be a true “self-advice” blog post, as it really didn’t involve the true elements of how I feel in it. This isn’t how I intended for it to turn out, so forgive me. Losing most of my blog post and pain in my eye and tiredness took over. Better luck next time! This, I guess, is a true rant, and nothing more. Next time, part II, I will work on that.

Rated TV-PG for Mild Language.

In this world that we live in, sometimes we make choices that don’t really seem to be the best. Sometimes, we may think they are. Protecting what we know is true within us, but covering it up to satisfy the ones around us. Lying to get our way. Doing things that hurt other people that benefit ourselves. In this blog post, I am going to discuss what people should be doing, instead of what we’ve been doing all along.

For centuries, humans have depended on one another for essential needs: protection, companionship, and continuing to live through offspring, etc. So, why is this relevant to anything? I think before I start talking about this, I want to give a bit of background on why I am wanting to rant about this tonight. This is one of my first true rants, deserving only the “Rants” headliner (category).

What if you found someone that you thought was cool on MySpace, and you wanted to get to know them as a friend? Perhaps, maybe a good friend. You seemed to get along well, and didn’t seem to mind talking, or in this early-stage case, typing, to one another. Oddly enough (damn, another category name. Oh well– let’s act like I didn’t type that), a third party intervenes, causing turmoil in your newly-developing friendship. An outsider. A foreigner. Damn him.

This is a story about friendship, honesty, and people just pissing me, and others, indirectly, off. To quote myself…

Intelligence Boi (11:53:26 PM): it’ll start out rather elementary.

Yes, short, sweet, and well-said. When I start talking, I’m really just talking from what I feel, paving my own way, so to speak. Most of us think this is right, doing what we want, when we want to. Fortunately, there are people that have experienced more life than we have, whether in their own life and their interpretation of it, or because they have followed advice from others that seem to be rather effective. This isn’t to say old people know more, or that people who have died before us know which way is up in life. This simply means that perhaps, once in a while, or more often (small steps first), we should take others’ advice. This is something I must work on, but something I wanted to share before really discussing anything.

Blah blah blah. What’s your point? We need to learn to listen to what others have to say, and have an open mind. Without an open mind, we can only think what we think. Sounds like a good thing, but it isn’t. If we all did what we thought was right, our world would be pretty screwed up. Oh, wait… Yeah. Looks like that’s something we could all benefit from– just listening to one another. But first, we have to solve a problem that’s really plaguing us all- honesty.

“Honesty? I don’t have a problem with that,” or so you say. One way or another, each of us has a problem with either bending the truth, withholding it, giving too much of it, telling the wrong people, saying it at the wrong time, or using information given to us, intentionally or unintentionally, in a way other than what the original teller intended for it to be used. “Malicious purposes,” to be legal, technical, and summational.

Life has many fine lines. If we don’t cross one, chances are we have crossed another, but I think that there is always one very clear violation, and that is leading someone on under any circumstance. My friend that I was getting to know apparently didn’t enjoy talking to me, but continued to act as if he did. Why do people do that? Now, I’ve stated my problem. Discussion!

What good can result from this? His friend sent me a message, in which he said the following:

1. The person I was talking to didn’t like talking to me.
2. I’m gay and need to find a boyfriend.
3. I am going to get beat up because he has the power to do that.
4. I am ugly.

Word up. I may agree with #4, but is that really necessary? If anything, the message should have simply stated one of the following:

1. The person you are talking to doesn’t like you.
2. You need to talk to [that person] because I don’t think [that person] likes you.

Insulting me is not necessary, but I don’t mind that. I do mind, however, being led along, as if I was making a new friend. Why does this bother me?

1. I was being nice to you, respecting you, and caring enough to reply to your messages.
2. I was honest with you. Did I not deserve the same thing?
3. I was myself, so why couldn’t you do the same?

#2 and #3 are similar, but not the same.

The basis for this complaint, however, is people simply not being themselves. No one deserves to be led along, regardless. So, just be honest with whoever. There is a difference between niceness, honesty, and discretion. You should use discretion whenever you tell things to people as to avoid conflict, but if you think or know something is wrong, why do it? Just be honest, and say it. That’s the truly nice thing to do.

All in all, people are generally good, and I understand that, but we don’t take how other people would react to the downside of an action that we take. We need to consider what we are doing, and it seems that too often, our actions go unchecked within ourselves, but unfortunately, not unnoticed.

Closing Advice: Just be honest. Don’t lag behind reality. It’ll catch up with you and everyone else.

Part II will be much better, I promise. (;

Rated TV-PG for Mild Language

I guess life would be the appropriate category for this post, eh?

Right now, quite a few things are confusing me. I don’t know what I should be doing. I know what I want to do, but even then, I know I shouldn’t, because … well, life is confusing.

Right now, I wish I wasn’t so sick. I’m cold and hot at the same time and no matter what time of day or night it is, I feel tired, irritable, and it’s getting on my nerves. I’m unsure of how people feel about me, and this is constantly running through my mind. Lately, it just feels like everything is falling apart– I hate that feeling. Why can’t life just be more enjoyable all the time? I’m not saying let it be pleasurable all the time, but why do I have to feel like something is wrong? When I said that Sunday was perfect, I had a feeling things wouldn’t be great since then, and sure enough, things all seem to be going wrong.

That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have in my life, but how can I appreciate it if I can’t really enjoy it?

I want to get things done, but I can’t. My mind is too distracted by what could happen or what already has. It’s like I can feel when something’s going to happen, but in this case, my sickness just makes my mind completely confused. It can’t think into anything, much less positive into anything. Long story short, nothing is truly wrong, but my mind is making me run in circles thinking something is.

I just want to be free dammit. I hate feeling like someone’s holding a pillow over my face. I’m just sitting in my house and I’m sweating. No, I’m not that fat. But I don’t want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here. I feel like I’m alone, but I know I am not alone. I just feel so disoriented. My heart and brain hurt. Why can’t this mess go away? I just want it to go away. Time, speed up, because I don’t like what I feel right now. Life isn’t so easy. It can’t always be how we want it to be.

I know what I know.

I can’t feel what I want to feel.

But I know what I know, and that is all that matters.

— Lyrics : “Kind of Perfect” – Armor for Sleep —

can i just be something
somewhere in your room
but you wont notice
maybe ill be paper
or books thrown on your floor
move me when you want to
ill lay where you put me
in your VCR
if i become a cassette
or on top of your computer
if that’s where i would fit
then so be it
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
i will not say one word
ill just hang around
i wont annoy you at all
when you move out ill stay
until i’m thrown away
but then it wont matter
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
because
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
i promise to stop now
to stop now
i promise to stop now
to stop now
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
letting go is my life
ill be on my way.

It’s spring, so things are a little brighter. Yay. Today isn’t my day. Maybe later…

Edit: It’s later, so, yeah, things are much better now.

Dear visitors of DRNx.net,

I feel that it is important for me to say that I have enjoyed working on my websites, all of them. From the early TTL, The Tech Link, to what has become of years of projects now, thefoxbox, and drnx, among many other sub-sites, I feel that it may be time to close one chapter of drnism [pronounced "dee-are-enn-iz-um"] and open a new one. What exactly does this mean?

Some of DRNx will be trashed, if not most of it. I realize that although this represents years of projects, work, unfinished ideas, and many memories, I think it’s time to make a new NEW DRNx. For the longest time, I was completely unsure as to what DRNx Nettwerk was still around for. If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t pay for the server space or bandwidth [and believe me, there's PLENTY of both], it would be long gone.

I will sort of make a “drnx museum”, in which the old site will be moved to its own section. Here’s what I plan on doing:

• Current drnx.net site, poof! gone!, shoved into a shiny, cool folder
• The new drnx will be a nice location to discover new music, regardless of what genre it is. It will be more biased towards electronica, dance, rock, alternative, punk, and other things that make cool sounds. Just an idea I’m tossing around…

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated… or you can just sit there, and see what happens with www.drnx.net …

Sincerely,
F.S.

Click to view my grades, and click again to see full-size image [for clarity].

BOOOOOO! Must get A’s, all A’s this coming semester. You watch me!

[Edit: Gee, guess subject lines help... @ 623PM]

Today was nice, quite nice. Details are not necessary, but one knows when they feel like a day was nice. Entirely satisfying, going on without any problems. Everything was perfect.

So, that word, perfect, what’s that about, anyway? Is it overused?… Exaggerated?

I don’t know.

Things change really quick. We don’t know when things will be evolved into something else, or gone completely. I was telling Jose, as we sat on the front steps of his house as the clouds were above us, the wind was cool, and the temperature was perfect… things change too quickly. I cannot always enjoy all the moments I want to… all the times that make life worth living. What’s come of it? I’ve lived 19 years, more than 19 years of confusion, happiness, accomplishments, failures, love… there are so few things to show for it. We take pictures, then store the pictures forever, never to be shown again.

Everything we want, we want it new… We cannot enjoy the old anymore. I find myself disgusted by how I get tired of things so quickly. Why is that? Is it because life moves too quickly? Do we make it move too quickly? Do others? Am I asking too many questions in a row without providing answers?…

I’m not here to give you answers. My blog is designed to help you think, make your mind move a bit. We’re in a tragic state, and each year, we progress into an era of Unthinkers. We don’t want to think deeply into anything for fear that we may learn something, something we didn’t want to know, or something that may make our lives just that much more difficult.

When we were children, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER posters were all over my classrooms, each year, up until eighth grade. Wonder who made those blasted posters–got sick of the same motivational messages over and over… maybe because we just surround ourselves with these messages, these odd, philosophical, deep messages… but cannot interpret them for ourselves.

We always expect things to be fed to us on a plate, because we are quite good at consuming. But what are we producing?

All right, sidetracked a bit.

I like change, but sometimes, I wish things stayed the same. I wish every night was like tonight, calm and relaxing… no tension, no worries. That isn’t how life is, though. We wouldn’t advance… Maybe that’s what we need, or what we think we need. Who knows. I wish I knew less.

Knowledge is Confusing.

Ignorance is Bliss.

My server crashed, so this one’s being put up a few days after it was originally posted.

Not just one good thing, mind you.

Happiness is happening all around. Can you feel it? I hope you can. I know I do.

“Even in times of confusion, can we find peace.” –Anonymous… All right, I just made that up.

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Today was a great day. It started great, from the moment I woke up, and ended smoothly, nicely, in a good way. Allow me to explain, starting after a great night.

9:00 AM: Almost home.
9:15: Got ready for work.
9:58: At work and clocked in.
958 – 4: Rather bored.

Why am I doing the thing that I hate to see on other people’s pages? That doesn’t matter. Perhaps I should edit it out… but perhaps not. Oh well! You’ll live.

After that, I met up with Amber and Adam [her bro] @ Target, and tailed them as they were leaving (literally). We went to the Irving Mall and Adam went off with his girlfriend and I wandered around with Amber, and got a good discount on things (50%) at Starbuck’s. It’s great knowing the right peopleÂ

Moving along, there were a few bumps in the evening, but nothing life couldn’t handle. Nothing we couldn’t deal with. Time flowed quickly, like water through the rapids. Oh my, and the crimson… Alas, I shan’t slip into emo-verse.

After we departed… left, the Irving Mall, we went to their house and drove quickly [but not too quickly] to Parks Mall. We arrived at 8:40, Adam bought a new … thing for his skateboard (that top part, sandpaper-ish), and Amber went to wander in Hot Topic. I just basically tagged along with the best of both worlds…

Taco Bueno was nice. I didn’t even eat all my food. I know, say it…”FREAKY.“ Yep!

All right, since I haven’t posted pictures, and things are just more interesting with images, I’ll post pictures of everything that’s gone on since the last time I posted pictures… a long time ago.

I wrote this entry a few days back, and never finished, but thought I should stick it up here. So, ta-da. I may write more about this, once my webserver works correctly. After this is released [published] I will now work on my next entry. Comments will be disabled on this post…

Till the next one!

What a nice subject.

 Main reason for choosing it? It’s my new new favorite word. I typed new twice. That’s how new it is.

This post will probably be the biggest waste of your time. It’s just me rambling to my heart’s content–it’s what I do best.

A Jose Quote: “Frederick? Ramble? Never!”

~~~

So how’s everyone doing? I feel like I’m having a nice face to face conversation with you. I am doing just fine. Rather bored, but happy. Pleased with pretty much everything.

There are a few things that are bothering me, but time will resolve everything. All my worries, complications, and dysfunctionalities of me and the world around me will soon dissipate.

My life is just plain peachy. I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t have to move in time incredibly fast, and try to do everything and have everything happen all the time. That made no sense to you, but made huge amounts of sense to me.

I’ll break it down a bit.

Before, I always tried to get everything done at the same time. Supposedly, people with ADD [or something like it] work better when they multi-task. Now, that’s dandy and all, but that certainly won’t solve my problems any faster. Why? Because I’m trying to literally do everything at the same time.Â

I had been trying to fix this problem on my blog for weeks, and all it took was some permissions editing on a folder and a file, a total of maybe thirty seconds of effort… and then it was fixed. That is why I like my new process of taking things slower, slowly, etc. Not only will this (oddly) increase my productivity, but it will also give me more satisfaction because I will finish things that I don’t want to do but know I must, so that I can move on and do the things I want to do and enjoy them without having things running through the back of my head, wondering when those problems will arise. Of course, they will be even bigger because I had been putting them off for so long, which is not something I want, but once I take care of it all, I will be happier and freer. Freeer? Anyway.

I’m going to change up my days of the week, but I want every day to be Relax Day. Not to be confused with psuedo Lazy Day, Useless Day, or the like, as relax will enable me to do more while doing less, and will make me happier, because I won’t be worrying about everything.

In conclusion to this messy mess, thank you especially [you know who you are] for being so good to me and helping me through all my messes. You are a wonderful person and I’m lucky to have you in my life. You’ve always been my best friend and much more, and have never let me down.

In regards to everyone else, and of course, I don’t mean everyone else in a bad way, thank you all for being my friend and supporting me through all my messes over the years. I think you’re finally going to be able to see the light and I will finally be able to be free… and I think you’ll like it, too.

Adios for now.