edward fox’s reality

OK, horrible pun for anyone who knows about blogs in depth, or at least a little… but anyway.

Here’s what’s happening, and I’m pissed:

You can’t register and actually make it work. UGH.

You can’t subscribe.

You can’t upload files if you want to.

You can’t put media up in general… as in, in a post.

Some directories on my site are locked.

My database was renamed by my stupid webhost, so how the hell is my blog supposed to know that?

OTHERWISE…

Despite my emoness, things seem to be just peachy. Doing things for myself is really helping … and yes, James, I need to blog less. Thanks for being there for me + caring last night though. Always there for me

The first line was a mistake with a broken link. It had nothing to do with the post… Oops. Numerous typos were also just fixed…

  Rated TV-MA for Mature Language, Reality.

There’s a track that I’ve uploaded to describe my mood during this post.
Blog’s Track: Secret Garden - Sleepsong
At the end of the post, I’ll mention why I chose this song.

Here’s tonight’s topic. I thought I’d save me some time and .000001% of my grief that I’m feeling right now and trying not to add to it:

Intelligence Boi: my sad music CD doesn’t help me either
Intelligence Boi: =/
Intelligence Boi: i just feel all alone
Intelligence Boi: I hate that feeling
Intelligence Boi: I HATE IT
Intelligence Boi: I totally depend on others
Intelligence Boi: GOD
Intelligence Boi: >_<
Intelligence Boi: and here I was
Intelligence Boi: thinking I was independent
Intelligence Boi: independent, what a fucking joke.

But first, a word from my sponsor, the brain.

My mind is so unclear right now… I’m the one who should have his screen name. From the beginning, I was so confused… I thought he wouldn’t like me enough, wouldn’t love me enough. I realized that he did, and our love continued to grow, and grow… That burst one day, the big bubble of happiness… but the bubble of love, I have hurt that… I poked it with a pin, but I hope it won’t pop. Sounds like a dumb analogy… but at least I know I am really thinking for once.

I keep running that night through my head. What was wrong with me? I deserve what was coming to me… He never did. EVER.

I’m going to stop being so emotional now. Before I do, that, though, I really would like to express genuinely raw emotions without fancying them up. Fancying? Oh well… Here we go.

I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. Not really, but I wish that if I hurt myself that his pain would dissipate… that this event would be forgotten. I don’t want it to be completely forgotten, because I want to change so much, but it’s just so hard because I am so easily manipulated… Admitting to something is the first step towards healing, or so psychologists say. Here are a few things I have discovered… as if you didn’t already know, but I need to mention them anyway:

• Sensitivity: I’m way too effing sensitive to situations, what people say, and what I’m doing.
• Fun: I never seem to want to have fun. What’s up with that? LOSER.
• Bullshit: Out of my mouth, everything but the truth comes out… I’m just so afraid to let myself hurt… Goodness.
• Relaxing: I can’t just chill out at all. Something’s always bothering me… but now I deserve it more than ever.

I honestly don’t know what happened Tuesday. It feels like it happened so long ago and that I’ve been hurting him forever. I hate this so much… I just want to talk to him… I know everything is not okay… but I just wish that our past would be weighted more evenly… It took so much to build up our trust, love, and affection… and I tore it all down. I just can’t stop running it through my head… but I know that the situation won’t improve at all if I do that…

I want _you_ to know that I never intended for this to happen, Jose… My mind wasn’t connected to my conscience and in touch with my emotions at all. I just thought that saying all that would release you as a boyfriend from me… until then, I felt we were still dating… even though it had ended. My heart felt otherwise. I just wanted something to help me detach from that because I was in a false state of happiness with someone else… and I know it was wrong, but I felt there was nothing else that I could do…

You totally understood me. Everything you said about me was true. LOOK WHAT I DID TO YOU. I have a complete lack of love for people… I hurt the best person in the world and I mean that with everything that I am… If I could erase what happened, I would… if I could apologize for all the things I did wrong to you, and have them change how you felt and how you do feel, I would do that in a split of a second. I just don’t know what to do…

I know you need your space… I know… You always needed space, breathing room… I never took the time to understood you…

All those things I said about you were only about me. That’s why I was so confused. I was the one who did everything wrong… I know I made you happy, but I know I messed up… and I really need to start thinking… as in, thinking, and thinking about what I’m doing, but at the same time not thinking too deeply into it… That would have prevented all of this. ALL OF IT… I would love nothing more, but now I simply have to hope for the best in the future.

Maybe it seems like I’m obsessed… but I’m just very attached to you, emotionally, Jose… There are three things driving the way I am acting:

1. I want you to stop hurting. I don’t want you to feel pain, and I want you to know that I care… more than anyone ever will, despite my words… I hope my actions will show you [and have shown you] that this is true.
2. I want to give you space. I know you need to take a break from me, but I just don’t want you to simply let go of me… I would not be able to handle that. Ever.
3. I am finally ready to improve. I am done with doing things for other people… Look what happened when I let others drive me mad, when I let someone else act as if they were good for me. I need to work on myself. I know that you need space, but I hope that we will be able to talk so that you can see that I really am trying to improve… and it’s not for you… after what happened, it really is for me. It’s time for me to step up and get things done.

I need to stop trying to base my life on everyone else and what they are doing. I simply need to live my own life. However, Jose will never be out of my life, and that’s one promise I will keep, among others.

Jose, if you think I’m oblivious to my actions, please reconsider. I am aware of my thoughts now and my actions. My mind is finally open for learning and adaptation to reality and the world. You were the greatest example I ever had. I don’t want to lose that, Jose. I cannot lose you… I know that I need to be independent, because that would please you and it would please me… I know that’s what you wanted during our relationship–for me to grow and be myself and explore myself. YOU HELPED ME THROUGH IT ALL… and it hurts that I cannot help you now.

I need to relax… You are a strong guy… you will get through this, just like I will… I just hope that we will be friends again… or at least, that we can talk. Nothing would make me happier in life….

I had doubts about posting this blog… because I know you needed your space… It’s just so hard because I feel as if you are having to fend for yourself… I hope you aren’t. so much… I will be calmer in good time… I do need medicine, let’s face it… Let me just face reality. I NEED TO RELEASE MYSELF….

———————-
Earthsongs - Always There

When I’m less than I should be
And I just can’t face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can’t find my way
When my eyes don’t clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you raise me when I fall

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

When life brings me to my knees
When my back’s against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall
Though a burden I may be
You don’t weary, you don’t rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I’m heaven-blessed

———————-

Now that’s it’s the end…

Why did I choose that track? It’s so emo. It reminds me of how I really felt about him, and how all my thoughts of Jose were happy, always happy. It was just so perfect… I will not release him, ever, ever, for as long as I live, because I need him… I just hope he needs me…

“May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm” — Sleepsong

Failed… With time, all will mend, but my brain just works overtime in running through everything… most importantly, all the happy memories we shared… We cannot get rid of that… All of those were real. All of our emotions were genuine… NOTHING WAS WRONG! You were so perfect…

God, I must cry now….

Fuck me. I suck. I deserve to die, because it just hurts that much, so fucking much, that I could rip his heart apart without thinking. WHY DO I FUCK UP LIKE THIS? I SUCK!!!! I need to work on myself so fucking much, MY GOD. Everything he said was right… but I don’t feel like I am the worst person in the world… I am trying… and sometimes, I just try too hard…

P.S. I hope the Monster wasn’t too warm. :’(

P.P.S. I know I need to stop being emo, seriously… and I know that was one my biggest problems… that’s always caused conflict, so I’ll cut that…

P.P.P.S. I need to focus on myself more, hence my blog title… I want independence, but I will never want to let go of Jose… that is NEVER what I meant, Jose… :(

P.P.P.P.S. I deserve this. You never did… I’m glad I feel like shit, dirt. That’s what I am… I just hope that this will help me change so that this will never happen again. Your heart is so beautiful…

I just long for some form of contact with you… I know you need to breathe… and I will always trust you… Your mind knows what is best for me…

Until tomorrow……………………………………

I want to contact you somehow, so badly…

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED WITH LATE-BREAKING INFORMATION AFTER 11PM!

Originally Posted: For some weird reason, only the last few posts were erased… I believe this is simply because when the SQL Database was copied, it didn’t take over the new stuff and my site was still using the old IP and server, so it basically purged itself.

The recent post that started my huge mess is gone and I have no way of recovering it… Also…

A few recent subscribers no longer are subscribed, and don’t have a username on my site, either. I apologize. Please re-register.

I’ll have an actual post coming up shortly… but for now, this will do….

UPDATE @ 11:15PM CST: Please do not try registering or trying to subscribe. My server is not sending e-mails to anyone, including those who are already subscribed or want to start a new subscriptions. That makes it utterly useless. This installation will have to be trashed and I’ll have to rebuild the database… So not my week… but who caused that? Yep, me.

The Emo Half

Whoo.

My emotions are all over the chart. Up and down, and it seems like it has the same curve with the same events each day. When I don’t talk to Jose a lot, I feel my self-worth slipping, but it’s not because of anything except he gives me my boost of energy, and we didn’t really have a chance to talk today.

I just feel like I have too many damn problems, and that nothing is going my way… but then I think that I’m not a bad person. It’s just that recent events have caused me to think, “Am I worth anything?” … This is a horrible mindset, and I don’t feel it most of the time… It’s just times when I really miss things, but mostly it’s just hanging out and getting to see Jose, and yes, I’m saying it. I’m not just going to hold everything in all the time. I can’t do that… a lot…

Lyrics of the moment, Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie [click to listen: 32kbps mp3 while reading entry!]:

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel you boy
Come on lets go, real slow
Don’t you see baby asi es perfecto

Oh I won’t deny my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
The attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection

Of course, reality isn’t perfect, and I don’t mind it. I just cannot wait until I get put on medication. Lately, though, I’ve been really effing proud of myself because I said what I wanted to say freely… as in, the way I wanted to talk, not all nerdy and technical [I will always do that in my blog ‘cept when I’m feelin’ really … crazy? :P] like I normally had… and I like it. I’m just starting to enjoy life for the way it is.

I am finally starting to realize what my biggest problems are:

1. Feeling sorry for myself.
2. Being concerned about others instead of myself.
3. Putting too much into what others say.
4. Not relaxing.

These all hurt me equally with each passing hour this evening, and I am just so hoping that my medication will help with this constant anxiety [which is what the pills will be for]… once I can relax, I won’t mind most things and I’ll be able to actually interact with people freely. I know that I cannot rely just on medication, and will need to take control of myself. This will be the challenge. Controlling my emotions. Let’s hope for the best, please.

I want to be myself. I really do. There were a few things that hid me from being myself:

1. My attitude.
2. My negativity.
3. My anxiety.

Lately, I was trying to be something that I’m not… trying to listen to music I don’t like, like things that I don’t… and I realized, my personality is truly acceptable once I just open up… and that’s my biggest problem… I’ve been compensating for my downfalls by just trying to cover them up. It’s time to stop that. It’s time to start taking care of myself. I cannot take care of anyone else, truly take care of them [yes, He knows who he is] until I can heal myself, and understand why I do the things I do. I haven’t said anything negative, and I’ve been calmer, but I still miss that communication…

I rely on it. It’s a huge part of my life… and it makes me love the time we talk even more, but at times, I feel like it’s just so long and I just don’t know what to do… once my brain calms down, I will be so happy.

The main thing that I need to improve is this: Strengthen my positives, and weaken my negatives… Specifically, just be more outgoing, and not worry so much… not be jealous, or anything like that. It sounds hard but I need to be challenged. It’s time for me to start growing up. I’m sick of being stuck behind. I can’t wait until it all sticks… but other things need to happen, too, to keep me content, and keep me striving for the goal of being myself, freely, unedited. The real free me is not vulgar, or rude, or shy, but outgoing, caring, and respectful…

I just need to work on showing that… It will be a tough journey, but I have the best motivation ever…

Â

Â

Always.

<3

The Calm, Forward-Looking Half

Sometimes, I feel like I’m not other people. I don’t like the same things… I don’t act the same… then I realize… it’s because that isn’t me. I just want to promote myself… because if you look past the negative parts of me… there’s something good in there.

I want to talk more about my improving experiences… such as when I talk to people, and just talk to them, I feel better, and I feel myself. However, when I can’t always talk to them, I feel like I can’t make them feel better, but I need to focus on myself.

I have always underestimated my personality, but then, I have to ask myself a few good questions:

• How many people can truly walk up to a stranger and have a long-ass conversation with them?
• How many people keep friends even through the roughest of disagreements including extreme degradation?
• How many people can make a bad situation good?…

These sound simple, to most people, but can you pull that off? Make the saddest times seem optimistic? I can pull that off with ease, but I need to do it for myself. This is what I now believe:

• I know what I want, and I am determined to get it:
• More friends will be easy for me once I can simply act myself; it’s already working like I never thought it would before.
• I know I have a good, solid personality:
• Even through it all, Jose and many others found my personality to be relentless and withstanding any confusion or sadness. I would always shine through and be myself… True, before, I had many more issues bothering me, but my personality still had its advantages through it all. That’s what keeps me going.
• I know I have a sense of humor:
• Sometimes, I say stupid shit, but that’s just me being stupid, not me being me. I don’t even find that funny. Why do you think I didn’t laugh at it? Regardless, it’s become a lot easier to just analyze what I’m saying, and it takes next to no time at all.
• I know I am optimistic:
• Once my anxiety goes away, I know I will be free to truly act as I want to and helping myself will be even easier.

I feel that I get jealous over nothing way too often, and it just hurts me more. What’s the point? Nothing… So what’s the calm, forward-looking side of all this?

Through it all, I still feel I have a strong friendship with Jose. True, we talk less, but we talk more when it matters, and on the topics that matter. I just want to get to know him. My heart wants to get to know him, and I want to meet more people now than ever for any and every reason possible:

• To be able to share my personality with more people;
• To be able to hang out with more people;
• To know a more diverse pool of people!

I think the last bullet is the best part of it all. Who doesn’t want to meet more, cooler people? The people I know now rock, especially one person in particular, but that doesn’t mean I would mind meeting anyone new peeps at any time… In fact, I long to. Nothing would make me happier than being able to share thoughts, emotions, good times, and an “era of good feelings” with more people!

However, now comes my favorite part of this whole thing… Telling you that I am not just this deep, emotional, passionate, emo-istic person… Coming soon, I present thee with…

The Liberation: Thank You!

I so need this to happen. When I say liberation, I’m not referring to the past as far as memories, but the past as far as my failures, regrets, and the present as far as being able to not be the same. When this comes, you will see my entries switch from being reflective and philosophical to me just enjoying life…

I really do have one final emo-istic paragraph, though. I love that word. Emoistic. Now it’s a real word. Yay. [Can’t believe Google pulled up 150+ listings for that word… dammit! :P]

Jose… Never have I felt so strongly about getting to know you as a person. Purge the emotions that we have felt so strongly, never, but I am completely focused on getting to know you for you. There is no better time to, because all we may have is today, and I want to know that I did my best getting to know you. This is why I want to talk to you more, not because I want to make sure you are O.K., or because I am just lonely… It’s because I want to know all the cool, little things about you. Like when I call, and you say you’re playing your game, but you’re not just playing your game, you’re playing your game while lying down, because that’s just something you do that separates you from everyone else. What did you think I saw in you? A Difference From Everyone. I still see that difference and hear that difference whenever I speak to you… I’m not holding onto the past, I’m just longing to embrace the future in the present. Won’t you join me?

Won’t everyone join me, in helping me be a better person? It’s hard, but I need all of you to contribute! If you see me down, try to pick me up, but let me take care of me. If you think I’m trying to solve your problems for you, tell me to back off, unless you asked for help. Me taking care of myself is the first priority now, even though my emotions and heart are going against that important attribute of conversion. During this time, I will be going against everything I had done for years:

• Being judgmental;
• Resisting change;
• Moving slowly and procrastinating;
• Not exercising and staying in shape;
• Not caring about myself;
• Putting everyone before me;
• Pushing too much.

Pushing. Huh? I’m referring to me pushing either too hard and trying to make others push back… not in a bad BAD way, but in a way that puts people that i care about in an uncomfortable position. NOT COOL! I am sorry. I just need to relax and let things flow. If I just follow that, things will go great… I can’t wait…

I can’t wait.

You must be logged in to read this post, thanks. If you’re subscribed and you’re reading this from your e-mail, you’ll see an oddly made [hide] and [/hide] tag… those are for people that are not logged in and that part is hidden.

The reason I password-protected that post was simply because it was an emotionally-charged blog entry and shouldn’t be generally seen by the public. However, the password is “private” [without quotes]… If I genuinely wanted it to be personal, I would simply select “Private” on Post Status. Feel free to visit this post at any time, and in time, it will be accessible to all.

That is all. Night!

(Today is Go Crazy with Links to Outside Pages Day!)

I’m being free…Â and loving it. I don’t mean this in the emotional form. Though my emotions are a bit relaxed [thank goodness], that’s not what I’m referring to… but, first, some pimp lyrics:Â

:: Chamillionaire - Ridin (Feat Krazie Bone)Â
They see me rollin’
They hatin’
Patrollin’ and tryna catch me ridin dirty
Tryna catch me riding dirty [x4]
My music so loud
I’m swangin’
They hopin’ that they gonna catch me ridin dirty
Tryna catch me riding dirty [x4]

Before I set the scene, how about a preceding list of events? Excellent!:

<12PM: Sitting around, doing a few odds and ends I need to. Getting ready to leave around 11:30; wash the car, etc., etc.

• 12:20PM: On my way to pick Chris up; Woot.
• 1PM: Pick him up. [You were expecting this step, weren’t you?]
• 1:20PM: @ My House. Just watching Law & Order… and Unsolved Mysteries. Face-stuffing: Sandwich + Chips / Salsa.
• 3PM: Take Chris home. Come home. Relax for a little bit, then clean room + wash clothes and get ready for later… which isn’t much later.
  4PM: On my way to pick up Amber. Hung out @ Parks; had Starbucks. It was grand. We spent way too much time in Brookstone. The employees were awesome, though. Comment from Amber on Apr. 12 @ 10:12PM:

I am numbero cinco! WooT! My fav number too! HeHe!

I had fun tonight babe! Lovely conversations with Brookstone employees are always delightfully! LoL!

Love ya!

<3 Amber

• 6PM: Chatted it up w/ all Brookstone employees for about thirty minutes while getting a massage in $5,000 chairs. More on that one later. Asked every possible question, and saw every possible product, including a self-setting alarm clock that resets everything-time, date, and alarm settings after power-off! Yep yep.
• 7PM: Wandering around. Eating a bit… New phone cover for Amber.
• 8PM: More wandering around + talking
• 8:15PM: On our way.
• 8:30PM: Arrived @ Amber’s house…

No more bullet points for now. A few things happened after that. When we pulled into Amber’s street, her brother, Adam, was in the house for sale next door in the driveway just smoking and chillin’. We pulled in front of him and Amber said to turn the high beams on. Haha. So cruel Anyway, I got out and talked to Adam for a few minutes. It was nice because it was another one of those times that I didn’t feel restricted as to what I was going to say.

So, now you understand why I am rambling like this. I’m not going in any chronological order, just order of importance.

This short moment made me really happy. Hanging out with Amber today and then scheduling plans for Monday during this time with Rick to hang out made everything seem to flow. On top of that, getting to talk to Jose during all this kicked ass even more. Everything seemed to just fit so perfectly. I love it when that happens. Nothing was erroneous, nothing bad happened. Some weird shit happened, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Even though we did nothing as planned, everything just went. I love it… I love it so much.

Now for some scary things:

1. On the Highway: People weaving through I-30 @ 90mph [est.] while traffic is moderately present, at least 40% highway lane occupation. I turned on my signal light to the right-most lane while previously occupying the middle-right lane, and as I did this, this sports car drove past me basically on the shoulder and barely avoided an accident because I moved over about two feet as there was NO MORE ROAD for him to drive on since that lane had already ended. *Shakes Head*
2. Emergency Braking: Long story cut short, the vehicle in front of me didn’t realize cars were stopped and many cars had to apply their brakes quickly. This is the disadvantage of being in the left lane– you must be awake at all times!… I applied my brake and switched to 2nd Gear, and as a precaution, swerved to the left emergency lane to avoid hitting any vehicles.
3. On The 35mph Road: This happened after I had dropped Amber off, and I believe that my actions prevented an accident and am proud of myself Here’s how it went down. Four cars are involved in this: Car One, Truck One, Car Two [Me], and Van One; the order listed is the order in the left lane, front vehicle first. Car One slowed down at a very rapid pace without indicating they were about to turn left, thus creating a massive quick stop in all three cars behind it. Truck One was not paying attention and so he had to stop very quickly. Car Two [Me] quickly switched to Second Gear and applied near-maximum breaking force while maintaining a calm composure. Van One behind [Me] was not paying attention and applied brakes at maximum pressure extremely late. This was noticeable visually (in my rear view mirror, a van was quickly approaching) and audibly (loud screeching sound). However, the extra step that [I] took was I saw the vehicle behind me, and once I realized that if I released my brake slightly I wouldn’t hit the vehicle in front of me, and because this vehicle would have hit me since it was older and could not apply as much brake power, I moved up as close as possible after-the-fact. Otherwise, I would have a car with a very badly damaged back, and two people with a lot of explaining to do to me.

2nd Gear, and 1st Gear: These gears may be here so that you can go uphill easier, but they are also there to apply extra braking power without any realistic possibility of damaging the engine, gears, axles [as in Amber’s dad’s case] or other parts or wearing them down. 2nd Gear should be used only under 60mph in most cases. So, quickly decelerate and once you approach at least 65mph, push as quick as you can on the brake. Do not pump the brake–this is ineffective and all brakes are re-calibrated several times a second anyway. This will decrease power and increase time it takes for you to stop. DO NOT SLAM YOUR FOOT DOWN ON THE BRAKE COMPLETELY. This will simply cause your vehicle to skid. Apply the maximum force minus at least 5-10%. Also, the largest problem that causes accidents is where we are looking once we realize an accident will most likely occur or will definitely occur. YOU MUST FOCUS ON WHERE YOU WANT TO GO, NOT WHERE YOU ARE HEADED. This will save your ass. It’s worked for me. For example, see 2nd Scary Example above. If you are in a residential area and the vehicle in front of you hits another car, and you will hit it because you can’t stop in time, which would you rather do– hit a curb and drive into bushes, or hit a car? It’s all about where you want to go.

I’m a huge nerd on traffic, driving, and roads… but moving on.

Tonight felt really fucking awesome for some reason. I was listening to that song, Ridin’, and I had the windows down. I was just pleased with everything that happened. I have friends, and I respect them. Most importantly, it just felt great. It was freedom at its best, and the evening was perfect. I let my speakers bump what I wanted to, the same way Chris had taught me earlier in the day, reprezent yourself, because that’s the only thing that you can do best… and go with it. Just go with it. Let shit happen. It’s all good.

I’m discovering a few more things, though. I respect myself, and I respect Jose more than ever, and it feels amazing. The only thing I want to focus on now is his friendship and getting to know the most awesome person EVAR :D. I feel that the only thing that truly matters at this point is getting to know him. We’ve been talking a lot longer on the phone and it’s awesome. I still love every moment that we talk, and that will not change, ever. I think everything has just completely worked out for the better. I love life, and I love the people in it.

And now…

SHOUTOUTS! LE PARTIE TRES! [Still in french…]

• Jose: Thanks for all that you do. Last night’s convo was awesome dude! You are still the most entertaining person I know. I’m glad we haven’t lost anything in our friendship, and it feels like we’re gaining it more and more with each day. I just can’t describe how pleased all of this makes me. It just .. flat out.. kicks ass, just like you
• Chris: Lunch rawked, and so do you, and so does Law & Order! Just wish you didn’t have to be home so early all the time.
• Amber: Goodness! I love hanging out with you. You’re amusing as hell. Everything around you makes you happy. You can always turn a frown upside down. Good goin’ girl
• Adam: You won’t read this, but uh, you’re a nice person. Yep.
• Rick: Thanks for calling me. You’re a good friend. Look forward to Monday!Â
• Other Peeps: You’re all awesome. The ones who comment, especially. I kid, I do kid.

Till next time. Don’t forget! Before you make a difference in someone else’s life, you must first make a difference in yours. Have a great night, and we’ll talk again soon.

Pre-First: Please click the entry header (above ^^^) to see all text PROPERLY FORMATTED! I can’t stress this enough. Thank you in advance! :)Â

First, let’s handle some business:
 [<< click me for important news!]

How about the calm after the storm?…

“My God, what a wonderful line!”

            -Blanche Devereaux, Golden Girls, referring to a quote she said after staying awake for more than two days straight and being extremely delusional while trying to write a romance novel.

Hah. I’m addicted to that crap. But, that really does bring along a few relevant points:

• Why don’t we look to the good that happens after the fact?Â
• I’m obsessed with the Golden Girls.Â
• I never realized I would love bullet-point-style writing so much.

All right, some of us must be asking, “what good that happens?” How can you possibly estimate goodness? Yes, I said goodness. Get over it. There’s a very hazy line, and you must have a clear, unbiased state of mind while trying to do this. So, let’s try a little exercise, and play a little event out, shall we?

You wrecked your mommy’s car… all right, this example is a little personal–moving on. Now, how can you possibly see the good in that? You can see the bad: she will be pissed, she will have to pay more money, she will now have a hard time trying to get you a car… oops. But, let’s see the good, if possible: she may let you drive her next car (my mother did), she may help you with car payments when you get your own if you are responsible and don’t get into more accidents… even if you do get a speeding ticket (needless to say, my mommy did).

So, the point I’m trying to make is, maybe there is good in everything that happens to us. Not to say that what happens to us is best, though. All too often, we don’t exactly know what we are doing, or we think we know what the outcome will be. But how can we possibly know that, by swatting this fly in this location, the rest of the world will live unhappily ever after, just like the TV show? We don’t know that, so we have to go on our past. Let our past shape our future, right? Eh. I’d like to think that’s true, but I don’t want to see it that way.

I want to let my past distinguish me from the present, and have the present shape my future.

At this time, I’m heavily working on the following areas:

• Weight Loss: I’ve been exercising and lifting weights. That kicks ass. And I just started this today, and I already feel 10x better!
• Attitude Adjustment: No longer am I starting needless arguments. I am trying to remain as cool as possible. Regardless of what problems I have, until I get the proper medication, it is still my responsibility to take control of myself, not others; we are all in control of ourselves, and that is what I need to learn most.
• Self Appreciation/Worth: This is seriously the most important of them all. The problem I had for years was simply not appreciating everything I had accomplished. In turn, I simply criticized myself more for the things I did not accomplish. Trying to constantly improve myself without complimenting myself proved to be deadly. Well, not deadly- I’m still here. But, nonetheless, it proved to hurt and hinder, and certainly not help.
• Self-Realism: This is a bit different than my own appreciation. This is being me, and representing what I am without infringing upon other’s rights to express themselves, as well. Why insult others if you don’t want to be insulted? Why correct them if you don’t want to be corrected?* It’s time to be me, and more importantly… [see next bullet]
• Social/Networking Skills: I need to be myself without hesitation. Once I get over the hurdle, or at least lower the hurdle height, of being negative or worrying about saying negative remarks, my conversational flow will be a lot easier, because then I will have much more time to listen to what people are saying around me, and then tune into what they have to say, and then I can expand my mind, because that’s something all of us want to do, right? [Editor’s Note (that’s me): That sentence has 73 words in it. Holy …. indeed.]

But, there’s still so much to learn, and explore. I have designated each day of the week to have a different focus for my mind. Though I will be trying to apply all of the following techniques equally, each day will have a unique emphasis, so that my mind isn’t so distracted by so many thoughts attempting to converge in this little brain of mine, causing even more confusion than I started off with. Observe (each day of the week is hidden to protect confidentiality of the treatment :P):

• No Jealousy Day: Who cares? Other people are doing something. You are doing something else. Sure, what they are doing may be funner, but they can’t do it forever.
• Crush Negative Thoughts Day: ZAP! BAM! POOF! Get rid of all that shit that’s holding you back. It’s time to breathe easy today.
• Educate Me Day: Buy books, read ‘em, explore your world, venture out to where you never thought you could. Be free.
• Be Social/No Negative Thoughts Day: All right! You heard right. This is a day where I explicitly focus on getting to know new people. Of course, if I’m somewhere hanging out with someone on any day, and regardless of if I am at home, with someone, or out in public by myself, I will be attempting to just socialize with people. It’s something I do, but I don’t make enough of an effort. I just need to open up my arms and find people who I can connect with. Yep yep!
• ??? Day: This is a mystery day! Anything goes here! It’s also because I didn’t fill in anything on this day in my planner. Oh, I got it! Let’s call this Social/Organize It/Catch-Up Day! I will catch up on all the things that need attending to, such as some schoolwork, studying, projects, or clean my room, organize files on my computer, or just go out and have a good time if work allows. [That’s a pretty vague hint as to what each day is…]
• Chill Day: Yeah, I need to have a day to just kick back. I’m sure that will rarely happen on this day, though–work ensues. [Bigger hint…] I will still be smiling to keep me, and you, happy.
• No Jealousy Day: You heard right! Another No Jealousy Day. Why be jealous of other people, if they’re not you? Once I am able to enjoy myself, jealousy will disappear, because I will know I am worthy.

So, let’s sum this entry up. I am hoping to love myself a lot more, and of course, if I don’t love myself, I won’t be able to love or care for others. That was my mistake in the past. I tried to rush through it all, and I regret it. That is the only thing I regret, and I am already making so much improvement, and I have you to thank. Enough sappiness.

SHOUTOUTZ SECTION, PART DEUX. [I love saying “Part Two” in.. French? Yeah.]

• Chris: You were great today. Lunch kicked ass. Thank you for telling me the truth about how you think I can improve! You’re a great best friend, C-Cisco
• Jose: You are awesome. You know you are. I just love talking to you as a person more and more… why I didn’t realize this sooner, I regret, but that is no longer. We live now, and the future awaits!
• Vince: OK. Thanks for calling me randomly That was cool. HAHA. You freaked the crap out of me anyway, though.
• Becky: Come on, girl! Show some love for Sara! She’s all right (:
• Jose:Â You are awesome. You know you are. I had to repeat that. Lmao.
• Zack: You’re still my best friend You know that. We just don’t talk even 20% as much! What’s up wit dat?!

Did you want to be mentioned? If so, become my friend, and mean something to me. Though everyone does, you have to make a truly special impact on my life… and all it may take is a simple “Hello” in my direction. Enjoy the present. Your future depends on it. Out.

*Few people have the right to do this. You know who you are. Correct me all you want–I look forward to it.

Rated TV-PG for Mild Language.

The highs were a bit higher today, but the lows a bit lower. Is that how life is? It just sort of seems to balance itself? I don’t know. At times, I wish I didn’t know, but I think, finally, it’s a good thing. This is what I call a “filler post.”

Last “episode”/blog entry, I wrote about some things that were a bit off with me. This time, I’m getting around to discussing more stuff which I think is affected by those things, causing me to act weird. Some of these things I don’t feel I will be able to change on my own just yet, but I think I will be able to handle most things.

Today, I really had nothing to do. Yes, I did quite a few sales, but otherwise, nothing. I used this time to think: think about what I am, was [if yet applicable], and want to be.Â

Habits: Those bitches! I was talking to Jose about old habits. Why exactly does it supposedly take longer to eliminate habits? I think habits are called habits in the first place because they are something we do not want to do, right? With that thinking applied, why is it, then, that the things that we did right in the first place were the habits before, and we had no problem with them, then we suddenly changed to a new habit, and want to break the habit. I would assume that breaking habits is a huge pain, right? Well…

Have a quote.

“emo boys say what they mean, mean what they say and never say anything mean…”

Hah. Yes, that quote may have seemed really useless, but sometimes, in life, just doing it for your own satisfaction is what to do best. [Follow-up from previous post!] Moving along…

Habits are weird. I didn’t realize that it would be so easy to break a habit, but just like that, I broke my negative habit. It is weird… and the thing that it takes the most of is thought. Next, it takes effort. Most importantly, you need willpower. Yeah… It won’t happen all the time, but the important thing is to make an effort. I must continue to add to my list, because there are many things that I want to change, and what better time to do it than the present? (;

Peep this! [I’m sorry; I’m horrible with puns.]

 Gotta love DeviantART.

Well, I’m really tired, but I want to finish this up. Even though my day seems weird, I think, eventually, all will be for the better. Until tomorrow, when I write something genuinely interesting. I don’t expect many comments… or do I?

Note: It looks better if you click the title “Wake-Up Call!”, so that all the formatting is properly displayed.

It’s time… It’s been time. I just feel like I’ve disappointed myself. Perhaps, it’s just because of what I’m going through right now, but I honestly don’t think that’s really why. There are other issues that have been uncovered because of the recent events over the past few days. Certainly, Jose has not caused how I feel. Funny that I say that, but that’s how life is. For now, it’s over, and I am learning to accept that. Life goes on, though. He’s still my best friend, no matter what, and I will definitely be focusing much more on our friendship and finding new ways to become closer to him so that I can entertain him even more.

Not only that, but that is going to happen with other people as well… I want to embrace the people I am friends with already, but I know I am an interesting person. I just need to figure out when to express that, how, and how often.

I just find everything weird… I always feel like things are happening at the wrong time for the wrong reason, but is that really what is happening? Is it? It just makes me appreciate what we had, but I appreciate what we have now even more because it is the present, and of course, there is nothing like the present. The more I think about it, the more pleased I am, because I know I have the energy in me to change, because I need to be a better person than I am. For years, I’ve gone against what I truly wanted to do, but I’m going to do it. There are so many things I need to work on, but for now, I’ll make a brief list as to what I want to change. I don’t expect these things to happen immediately, especially on some of them, but I want to make a promise with myself and to the people who care about me that I will work on them as best I can. Consider it a personal reconstruction:

• Appearance: Take more control of my hair (facial and head :P), care more about how I look so that I can feel better about myself, and more confident in any situation;
• Physical: Lose weight. Goodness. Clear up my face. Get muscles. Get abs
• Attitude: Reduce negative statements. Eliminate hesitation to do things I want to do. Just attempt to enjoy life while getting things I need to get done, done. To not always be in control and not always be in the center of things.
• Thought Process: Stop thinking so negatively. Realize that people are generally good, and apply this daily, every second. Be more outgoing, just for the hell of it. That’s all. For the hell of it. That’s the whole point. Consider myself before others. Be selfish, but not self-centered.

At times, it’s hard to consider that I need to improve upon all this, but unfortunately, I am brought into the next category of improvement which must occur.

Medication for the Following. My physician believes that I have the first two categories that may require treatment, but as for the third listed, he thinks it is questionable at this time:

• Mild Depression: In mild depression a person’s mood is low. This depressed mood is usually triggered by an identifiable event or stressor that occurred in the previous few months. It is a very common experience, in general, and is also common among university students who are often exposed to various stressors.
• Anxiety Disorder: The essential characteristic of Generalized Anxiety Disorder is excessive uncontrollable worry about everyday things. This constant worry affects daily functioning and can cause physical symptoms. GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)Â can occur with other anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, or substance abuse. GAD is often difficult to diagnose because it lacks some of the dramatic symptoms, such as unprovoked Panic Attacks, that are seen with other anxiety disorders; for a diagnosis to be made, worry must be present more days than not for at least 6 months. The focus of GAD worry can shift, usually focusing on issues like job, finances, health of both self and family; but it can also include more mundane issues such as, chores, car repairs and being late for appointments. The intensity, duration and frequency of the worry are disproportionate to the issue and interferes with the sufferer’s performance of tasks and ability to concentrate.
• Attention Deficit Disorder: According to the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) some common symptoms of ADHD include: often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes; often has difficulty sustaining attention to tasks; often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly; often fails to follow instructions carefully and completely; losing or forgetting important things; feeling restless, often fidgeting with hands or feet, or squirming; running or climbing excessively; often talks excessively; often blurts out answers before hearing the whole question; often has difficulty awaiting turn. AD/HD is a diagnosis applied to children and adults who consistently display certain characteristic behaviors over a period of time. The most common core features include:
• distractibility (poor sustained attention to tasks)
• impulsivity (impaired impulse control and delay of gratification)
• hyperactivity (excessive activity and physical restlessness)

Now, it is about an hour and a half after I have started writing this entry, and I feel a lot different. A good different. I feel like I do have the friends to support me. Mainly, I’d like to thank Cal, Aaron, Vince, Johnny, and of course, Jose, because without all of you, me feeling better would not have been possible. It’s just amazing how talking like this helps unlock thought patterns I never knew I had felt. There are very few other things that I need to work on, which are entirely personal, but could possibly affect others. Under no circumstance, of course, will certain things be revealed. Always nice to leave the readers guessing at least a little, right? (;

Seriously.

THANK YOU! All Of You!

You all have helped me in one way or another… It just takes little things. I’ll close this up with something upbeat. It’s a good start to the end of the day.

SHOUTOUTS!

Jose: Thank you for allowing us to talk @ night still. Just keeping up to date with you is all I need to keep happy! You are my best friend and I will never be able to thank you enough for all that you’ve done and still do for me. You’re cool and an awesome guy

Cal: You are my good buddy, and of course my best friend. You really are almost always here when I need you, and when you are, you are always willing to help me or just hang out with me so I can feel better. Thanks for being here when I needed you most over the past few days.

Aaron: Thank you for allowing me to help you out when you needed it most. Being able to express yourself is important–remember that. Keep posting to my blog and if you know anyone else that wants to as well, do let me know. You’re a great person.

Johnny: You are just crazy. Thank you for saying you’ll always be here for me. It meant a lot, and of course, still does. Of course, of course, of course. Yeah. Sometimes, you’re a bit quiet, but you’re just distracted by that ant. Thank you very much, regardless.

Vince: You called me at just the right time. Thanks for rambling to me and asking when we could hang out again. That really helped how I felt tonight. Even without mentioning anything about it, you helped! Thanks a million.

With all of you combined, I know I’ll be able to improve my life, and provide a better experience in your life as well. I look forward to the day when I can be completely free expressing what I truly want to, how I want to, without offending anyone, because that’s how I really feel. But, especially, thank you, Jose. I know I am a handful, and I just want to thank you for just being a good guy through it all… a great guy. My best friend You all kick ass.

‘Tis all for tonight. I hope this gets some comments, ya hurr’d? :) Goodnight.