edward fox’s reality

Rated TV-14 for Mature Content. Even though kids participate.

Honestly, I’m doing this for three reasons:
1. I can tolerate watching fake murders on TV and movies, but cannot tolerate seeing any media that shows animals being abused, tortured, mutilated, injured, or killed.
2. I haven’t blogged in a while about anything, much less anything important.
3. I want a free tofurkey. Isn’t that a cute name, too?!

But, now on to a more serious issue.

How can we still be so cruel to animals?

For some of you who don’t know, I have been vegetarian since May of this year, 2008. Initially, I was inspired not only because I used to have chickens as pets and think they’re great as companions, but because I was shocked and disgusted by the gargantuan amounts of hormones that are pumped into all of these animals, that not only make them over-sized horrendously, but also make those antibiotics transfer to us. The meat industry uses more antibiotics than humans do. It’s just disgusting all around.

Some people say you “need meat” to survive. I think I’d hear about vegetarians and vegans dying regularly then, wouldn’t you?

I don’t get what our twisted fetish is with eating meat. I wish I wasn’t raised that way, but I’ve changed now, and I couldn’t be happier.

So, why the main spur of a call to action from my (highly limited) group of readers? I saw a few words on PETA2’s Pledge page [link], worded very well from Marta on peta2.com’s site:

* No animal was tortured in the making of a Tofurky.
* No one has to stick her/his hand up a turkey’s butt. Tofurkys don’t have butts.
* Tofurky roasts are available practically everywhere.
* Turkeys will be thankful.

The one that stuck out, though, was this one:

* Murder should never be cause for celebration.

How disturbingly true. Let’s be thankful that we painfully slaughtered this animal and made it suffer from the moment it was born so we can ingest chemicals and its pain and suffering. I’m so incredibly disgusted.

I still have the images of videos I had seen years ago of animals being tortured for their fur, and they’re still with me. I couldn’t bear to watch the video, but if you have the stomach for it, and if it will help you in going against meat, not just for one day, but indefinitely, please do it.

If you want to be brave, and make a difference, go ahead and sign the pledge:

http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/p2thanksgivingpledge

You’re doing the right thing. Turkeys will be grateful. Wouldn’t that be nice? Animals that can’t hurt you, that never hurt you, that never did anything wrong to you, won’t have to suffer for your pleasure?

Sounds good to me.

If you have a crappy computer or a shitty monitor, feel free to ignore this blog entry, as you won’t be able to appreciate the full awesomeness of the apparel I am about to present you with. If you do, and you’re not a broke ass, continue to enjoy this entry.

So I’m a fat, obese fuck. Oh, some of you think I’m exaggerating. I am being completely serious and medically accurate. I used to be at a BMI as low as 24.5, which is still borderline on being overweight (not to be confused with a BMI of >30, which is considered obese, and >35, which is extremely obese)… my BMI has shot up to ~31.5 within two and a half years, and that is sick, literally.

I know I take a lot of pictures that make me seem slimmer than I really am, and honestly, if you all thought I was fat at all in some of my other pictures, you guys were too stuck-up, even for me. I weighed 40-65 lbs. less in some of my older pictures, and I want to get down to that weight, and lower, way lower. I know that I will never be a twig– I don’t plan on wanting to be. I am not a femm; I am a straight-acting guy and I don’t need to slim down to fit in girl jeans. I want to look hawt, and to me, not wearing clothes meant for your gender (unless there’s some hawt shirt which could pass off as a guy’s shirt, too) is not attractive at all in my book. I feel sorry for your genitals, silly boys with tiny balls.

So I found inspiration to correct this health and emotional issue. That’s right — there’s not one minute of every day that I don’t think about my weight. I don’t understand how extremely overweight/obese people can feel comfortable and continue to eat unhealthy food. That said, I no longer eat fast food. I will eat out once a week or every other week, but that is an extreme reduction compared to how I used to eat. I used to eat a nice greasy breakfast (which isn’t bad seeing as your metabolism is highest in the morning and gets it started early). I’d follow that up with a decent lunch from never just one fast food joint– usually two. I would hit up McDonald’s for two or three burgers (no joke), and then go to Taco Bell for a few tacos and nachos. Sick, eh? Dinner usually ended up being served up by Taco Bell and McDonald’s again. Totally sick. I saw Supersize Me but it apparently didn’t get to me much.

So. What will?

I am grateful for Comedy Central. This will be the first, and probably only, time which I will say such a ludicrous thing. I received my entire value from it, though, when I was watching George Lopez. He was pretty entertaining tonight, sans his obnoxious stereotypes of Mexicans and crackers, but then he was followed up by a morbidly obese Hispanic which caught my attention. He was featured on MySpace secret stand-ups (comedians) and once again, he was invading my life, and perhaps this happened for a reason. Presenting, the extremely greasy, fat, disgusting, filthy bastard known as Gabriel Iglesias:

Don’t get me wrong– I enjoyed his comedy, but for someone that huge to refer himself as “fluffy” is just sick. He’s not fluffy– he’s fucked up. There wasn’t a five-second period during the entire two-hour show that I didn’t think about his weight and how unhealthy this poor bastard must be…

He is now my source of extreme inspiration for weight loss. When I have reached my final goal (yet to be determined), I’ll write him a long letter, along with photos I will have taken along the way to my success, showing him that he can live a healthier life as well.

That said…

In the coming blogs, I will present my favorite clothing and accessories from my favorite design label, Diesel. I’m sorry that I am not a slave to Prada, D&G, or A&F. These brands irritate me, and are such clichés. I am grateful that I have better taste than those mentioned. To inspire me and others, I will be giving a new selection of clothing articles in each volume/edition of this series. Each selection will remind me to contribute to what I now call my Diesel Clothing Fund, and you are more than welcome to contribute, seeing as each set of 3 items will cost around $500 on average. This is an extreme goal, and this will be extreme weight loss.

I will be carrying around a picture of that fat greasy bastard, and may build my selection as time goes on. There are two very obese co-workers at my current job, and whenever I get a new phone with a working camera, I will take pictures and save them for easy access wherever I am, whenever I have an urge to gorge myself as I so often did and still somewhat do. It’s time for me to take control of the only part of me that upsets me.

I enjoy being a pretentious twit. I enjoy being selfish. I enjoy being a fucker. I enjoy the way I am. I enjoy being able to speak out. I like having an amazing speaking voice that some people mistake for apathy. I love not having to have sex with everyone to feel good about myself. I love still being able to appreciate the rest of me even though I don’t look fantastic on the outside. I long for the day that my current skills of being a bastard, fucker, bitch, come to equality with the outside me. Of course, you guys will love me then, because more attractive people get to be twits.

My plans are basically making more money by doing web design. This will be a lot easier once the economy improves (at least a little bit). I also look forward to perhaps moving up to a better position within the next year or two at my job, perhaps to the IT department. It would be nice to boost my salary by 125%, right? Ah, dreams, dreams. Let’s make this shit a reality. Whether you support me or not, I’ll be moving forward. I’d prefer if you don’t support me — it’ll make this shit a lot easier.

The only people that I know will support me every hour of every day are Eric and James. The rest of you can do as you please. Feel free to take this advice and mold it to your own liking. If anyone has any other supportive ideas, feel free to let me in on it! If it works well for me, I’ll be more than happy to give you a gift card to any restaurant or retail store of your choice ranging in various dollar amounts. I look forward to your ideas, and I hope you look forward to my continuing series, and next time, I’ll be providing more enticing pictures– I promise.

Here’s one pretentious prick signing off for tonight. I love you Eric, always. You will always be my brother. I love you, James, though you won’t see this for God knows how long. You’ll always be my boy.

I couldn’t help but flip back through the hundreds of comments on My Starbucks Ideas, a great site for customers who want to share their ideas with the world. I’ve run across a lot of great ideas (and voted for them once I registered on starbucks.com), such as rewarding frequent (”VIP) patrons with a discount, receiving a free drink on your birthday, and Starbucks‘ version of the Speedpass - a card you swipe with all the custom preparation requests you like for your morning kick. These ideas all satisfied me. One idea upset me a bit — making Starbucks ‘kid-friendly.’ One mother quipped with the notion that the only places with playgrounds that are kid-friendly are fast-food places. Gee. Go figure. A place where manners don’t matter. Who cares if your gut is hanging out? Amazing. These places were so generous to put ugly, bacteria-ridden play things to separate noisy children and their irresponsible parents. Go Mickey D’s.

So what’s the thing that triggered this blog? Simple: A penny.

From the ’suggestion’ directly [direct link - do use caution; this page has over 475 comments, and some computers will be a-hurtin' for up to thirty seconds on this page]:

On March 11, 2008 an amazing Starbucks Barista named Sandra Andersen donated one of her kidneys to a regular customer named Annamarie Ausnes. Annamarie had Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD), which is shared my 600,000 Americans and which causes your kidneys, over time, to fail. Either you need dialysis, where you are attached to a dialysis machine for 3 times a week for approximately 4 hours a session (resulting in huge blocks of time away from work or family), or you need to obtain a kidney donation (which are very hard to come by) or you die. The story of this remarkable gesture is available on www.cnn.com (search “Barista donates kidney to save customer’s life”.)

The PKD Foundation (www.pkdcure.org) is a 4-star not-for-profit (check them out on www.charitynavigator.com) dedicated to finding a cure for this deadly and common genetic disease. There are several clinical trials underway to try to find a cure for PKD but funding (most of which comes from the NIH) is difficult because many Federal programs are paying the price of a costly war. The PKD Foundation needs to find private funding sources to help fight this dreadful disease.

My program proposal is simply to create “A Penny to Fight PKD” Campaign at Starbucks. Every cup of coffee or tea at any Starbucks in the world would have a penny going to the PKD Foundation to help pay for research to cure PKD. That way, the noble gesture of someone like Barista Sandra Anderson won’t be needed to keep PKD-afflicted customers alive.

Thank you for reading my proposal and lending your voice in support.

Aww. This moved me so deeply… until I realized what a crock of shit this is. But–but Frederick! Edward! Whatever the hell your name is this year! How can you be so insensitive to a disease that almost no one has heard of, yet so many people seem to be aware of it on My S-bux Ideas?!

Oh. Well, here’s my comment:

Wow.

I think I scrolled through about 400+ comments and didn’t really find anything that outright disagreed.

This idea sucks.

@matmater: thank you for being honest. [He said that Starbucks shouldn't focus on just one cause and I agree.]

There are so many more illnesses out there. Why are we (a) doing just 1 cent, (b) limiting the donation to one disease, and (c) not mentioning all the other ’silent killers’ like Alzheimer’s? Goodness.

I guess none of you have any family that have been affected by anything and that everyone you know is in perfect health, with exception to PKD, whatever that means.

Honestly, there are so many better causes. After donating hundreds of hours at Parkland Hospital (the Dallas county hospital here in Texas), I know that there are many other problems out there. All problems are equally important when they affect you, but this isn’t just you… there are so many sick people, and it’s so sad. Unfortunately, I think it’s better to say that we should focus on the greater good. CONGRATULATIONS. A Starbucks employee did something generous. How rewarding. How nice to turn it into a MARKETING PLOY so that Starbucks can, again, appear oh so never-ending generous, to infinite causes. Instead of buying a cup of coffee, why don’t you people try this..

YOU ARE NOW ALL GOING TO HATE ME…

How about you donate $3.00 to PKD for a year, and be done with it?

That’s essentially what you would be doing if you visited Starbucks every working day of every week, including (paid) holidays (and sorry- no vacation for you, you 5-cent donor!). Did anyone else not see this?

How about all the ladies who pop in once a week, perhaps on Saturday? Thank you, your generous donation of 52 cents a year will cure the grave illness which I still know nothing about. [I'm not saying it's not unimportant.]

I think this is a good way to publicize good deeds so that Starbucks can again try and lower prices through free advertising while saying that the economy is just too darned bad to lower the prices on their 92%+ profit margin drinks.

Seriously?

How about this. One day out of the year, the first day of the year, you can choose whether you want to take a penny away from each drink you order, or give your whole heart out (pun intended) and pay $6 for a drink instead of $3? Oh, you’re not a regular? Come in twice a week? Very well, sir, your coffee will be $2.50 instead of $1.

PLEASE PEOPLE– Do NOT say it’s small differences making a big difference.

How about this– donate an hour’s worth of your salary one day a year, and if you have a nice low-but-average salary, you will donate for over 6 years of your otherwise ‘generous’ donation.

Just ask people, “Would you like to donate $1 this week to the good cause [of the week/month]? Ask it on Mondays only. Ta-da… I’ve just increased your donations by 5,000%. Was that hard?

Seriously, people. You saw one lovely little idea, and didn’t even want to consider being generous on your own.

For everyone who goes 5x a week, go ahead and donate over 10-year’s worth of patronage to Starbucks in 5 minutes: [link to donate directly]

The minimum amount you can donate is 10 years… for those who venture in 1-2 times a week, it’s about 25-50 years, depending on how loyal you are to such a giving organization.

Thanks for reading this. I appreciate you all, and hope that this opened your eyes to see (a) what a crude, blunt, and honest person I am, and (b) how I have seen what goes on in hospitals, and (c) that there are so many more things wrong with the world that plague us as well. Please be generous. Small things can have big results, but something so insignificant will make that big result take 5,000% longer.

It sucks being so logical sometimes. You shake up everyone’s little snow globe and I don’t think they like that very much. To hell with them. They’ll get shaken, too, and I think that’s my point.

Randy and Dillon are the new couple, after Randy decided to say he loved me, then charged up ~$107 on my Speedpass account, and only returned my phone without a charger. Perhaps others out there can learn from people who accept those who have acted this immaturely, and can make those who have wronged others financially and emotionally to stop and think at least a few more seconds before they fuck over someone else’s life without any consideration for the consequences to them, or your own ethics, morals, and way of life.

Make Note: I would have written this directly to Randy if he had not immediately deleted me from his friends list and blocked me, and disabled messages from users who are not your friend on your account. Dillon was considerate enough to make an initial attempt to work with me and I am appreciative. Back to the letter…

~~~

I’d appreciate it if you forwarded this on to Randy. I would also appreciate it if you would tell him that it would seem like a decent thing to do to at least give me back my charger since it was mine anyway. The other part was me being trusting of someone and being gullible, and that’s on me. But the other part isn’t… so if you could forward it, I’d be grateful.

I know I might seem like I’m pathetic and have no life to be writing something like this, but I just know that Randy will continue to take advantage of anyone who’s dumb enough like me to be generous enough…

I just called him and he was with his friend, and it sucks because when I asked him about it, he just hung up. I just think that’s a shitty way of dealing with things… to just ignore them… especially when you know you did something wrong, whether the other person was willing at the time or not. I was willing but unknowing of what he was going to do to me.

I called back and his friend answered the phone. It sucks when people are immature enough to stand up for their friends, even when they know they did something wrong.

When did you change your mind about helping me? It’s sad because if Randy had gotten rid of you for me, I would have pushed through to it until he did give you the money, or I would have given you at least some of the money myself, in which case he probably would have screwed me over as well… Hrm.

Anyway. I wish you wouldn’t have changed your mind… there’s a laundry list of people that owe me money… it’s really sad. You think I’d learn, right? I’m not trying to tell you what you did was wrong. It’s just that so many people say they’ll help me but they don’t. They just stop caring. It’s unfortunate. I understand if you still don’t want to help me. If you still think he’s all kinds of great and amazing, congratulations. I’m sorry, but I’ve dated quite a few people and heard a lot of stories, and I just want you to know what’s going on at all times with him, okay? Yeah sure, I don’t really know you, which is lame because if he didn’t act interested in me then I’m sure we could’ve been decent friends. Don’t be dumb like me and trust him. He’s honestly messed up me wanting to be in a relationship with any other guy. I’m not going to be. I’m just waiting until my ex James moves over here in a year or two. I’m in no hurry. I won’t be screwed over again and again. Poor me, right? I’m content, knowing I’ll be with someone who has no heartbreaking acts in the past. I’m not talking about me- my heart was hardly damaged. I just care more about the money and the charger. I’m glad he finally has a job. Now he can finally stop asking everyone for gas. Does he ask you for gas? You’re only 16- I seriously hope he doesn’t.

I look out for other people too much. It makes me look insecure and ruins my social abilities, despite what I try to do. That’s okay, though. I do give amazing advice, and I’m not biased. If he did this to anyone else besides me, I would tell you the same thing. I am sure he can’t really take advantage of you much since you most likely don’t have a job. You don’t have a car and you can’t drive, so he can’t use you there. It’s okay, though, because I know I will make more money soon. I just got a $3 raise at work per hour, and that will offset the actions of people like Randy, and how they have taken advantage of me so many times.

I always write a lot, so don’t think this is some immensely important issue to me.

If you just ignore me, that’s fine, but I discourage you from doing so. People never change, okay? If you’re a better person than me, and if you always stop him from doing what he did to me, more power than you, but is it really right to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. Just be careful.

If you could just ask him to perhaps send me at least part of it, I would be greatly appreciative. I am having to find my own apartment pretty soon and I know shit’s not going to be cheap. We all have bills to pay. It sucks that his friend said, “Why did you give him your Speedpass anyway?”… she knows what kind of person he is, and I hope you do, too. They asked if Adrian had paid me back and they laughed, saying that he just used me for my money, as if Randy did anything different. It sucks that people think they are better than other people who pull the exact same sad crime on someone. It really is sad…

[And since you are forwarding this...]

Randy, if you don’t decide to give me my money, I’ll be unhappy. Do you care? I hope you do. I’m another human being. If we didn’t have any other humans, our life would be pretty dull. We also don’t know how it will come back at us in the future. Are you a fan of karma? It doesn’t seem like you are. I would have rather been beat up and forced to fuck a guy than have my money silently stolen from me. What you did was essentially slip 5 20’s out of my wallet while I was asleep, and while you were saying you were ‘too tired’ to hang out and ’sick’ you were finding another boy to fall in love with. Is that the kind of person you want to be? I hope not. You are extremely dishonest. I am, too, but I will not ruin other people’s ability to be happy with their own lives as you do. Just think about it.

The message you sent me about how you left my “shit” in my “fucking mailbox”… as if I did something wrong was uncalled for. Seriously, dude.

You are over twenty years old. See that? 2-0. Not 1-6. Not even 1-9. 2-0.

You are officially no longer a teenager (since that goes up to age 19). You are an adult, and you can’t support yourself. You take advantage of people like you’re a poor woman who wants to leech off a rich man. Is that honestly how you want to be represented to yourself and other people? Is that honestly who you are? Seriously — please ignore what your brain is telling you about how you should hate me, and just ask your heart if that’s the kind of person you want to be. I hope you have goals about making a lot of money so that you don’t have the desire (or have) to do this again. It is really unbecoming. Please be very appreciative of Dillon. He is very generous to overlook your past mistakes, and I admire him for that. Whatever he does as far as not helping me is on his part, but I understand that views change and he has his own right to that. There’s no crime against changing an opinion.

I’m sure it will seem insignificant now, but things can always escalate quickly… believe me, I know. I’ve done what you did. It wasn’t to any people individually, but rather to large banks and credit card companies. I won’t go there, though. Just be appreciative of who you are with, because if I knew that the person I was dating…

…well, this isn’t about me. I’m not here to preach my opinions about how you should do things. I am simply here to offer a resolution of sorts.

If Randy is still more immature than you (Dillon) and is unwilling to respond like an adult, then just don’t bother. I would appreciate it, though, if you acted your age and attempted to work with me on this. We could be great friends, honestly. I am extremely forgiving.

Just be careful- both of you. You never know what will happen if you continue with the actions you’ve taken before.

How is it that I can give advice to uplift people and be so overwhelmed by my own emotions? That’s the situation I put myself in every day, and I seem to lose no matter what I do.

I am not pleading for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is an attempt for me to understand why people abandon me, and how I can’t do the same to them, and how I always look for friendship and love in the wrong places. This really could be something that is written in a diary, but if it helps someone else, then posting this publicly was worthwhile. Take what you will from this. If I don’t mention something, then I don’t feel it. There is no deep meaning to beyond what I have already expressed, so take what I say with great importance and don’t assume that issues are further complex than I already make them out to be.

I can hardly think for myself. I can hardly think about myself. My heart is going to explode under the constant strain I put it through. I feel physical and emotional pain - more physical pain than I can handle all from within my chest. I feel like at any moment, things will get even worse. It’s amazing because it would take just a few selfless actions for people to change all of that. The people I have invested the most time in lately have abandoned me effective today. I am completely void of receiving any caring from anyone at this time. No one gives a shit. Do you understand that, people? At this very moment, there is not a person on Earth thinking about my safety, well-being, emotions, state of mind, and most importantly, my heart. Not a one. My mom doesn’t give a shit. You don’t, because you’ll read this and just think I’m being emo (tional), and think that I act this way a lot…

Oh shit. I do.

Why is that? You must think because I perhaps (a) enjoy drama; (b) enjoy involving other people in my sorrow; (c) exaggerate problems; or (d) think I am better than you. Sadly, all of these conclusions are tragically inaccurate. It’s this way of thinking that causes people to not care for me. I just want one person to do that. Can’t anyone? I’m being selfish here - everyone deserves to feel selfish once in a while, don’t they? We need someone to look out for us once in a while, and right now - no one wants to take that opportunity. No one wants to give me a lame “It’ll be okay.” No one wants to give me a better explanation as to why this is happening. No one wants to even read this. What’s worse is the people that aren’t here for me will know that I am talking about them, and they will take this personally. They will think I am insulting them, degrading my opinion of them, or attempting to make them feel pity.

You know, those are mostly false.

I am not insulting anyone. Just because you are not here for me means you are human - you cannot make the time for another human being because you are too occupied by things that are more important to you. Furthermore, my opinion overall of the human population is declining steadily with each day I live. I try harder and harder to be friendly and caring. I always listen to what everyone has to say. I become immediately interested in what any of my friends have to share with me. Never once will you hear me say, “Let’s talk about something else. Your topic is boring me.” People love saying that to me, though. I just want someone to appreciate what I have to say. I want them to for once make a change in how they do things, and do something selfless, truly selfless. I don’t want you to do it because you feel obligated to. I want you to do it because, in your heart, you know it’s the right thing, right now. Right now - that’s all that matters. You don’t have the future; you never will. Do you know why? Because we always live in the present. We need to worry most about what is going on in our lives right now… and if we care for someone else, hopefully they care for us as well, then we need to show it. We don’t need to say it. We can’t just act it. We need to be it. We need to know that we are. We can’t say, “I care about you” and then have that change a day from now, or an hour from now, when you are busy enveloping yourself in happiness. It should be hibernating, ready to awake at the right opportunity to assist someone else.

We all want someone else to care about us, right? I just wish someone really did care as much as I did. That will be the day that I can stop feeling this way.

Rated TV-PG for Mature Language.

Now, most people wouldn’t casually admit this, but this isn’t a casual accusation, either.

Never before have I been interested in someone who wants so much sex, and wants just so many guys in general, ever before. It’s fucking disturbing. Don’t you people know that you can get diseases from whoring around with a different guy each HOUR? Shit.

On this guy’s page, he had comments from three or more different guys, saying they should fuck, and that they’re down for whatever. That’s so fucking disgusting. You guys aren’t interested in actually getting to know each other. You’re just interested in sex. It makes me almost want to stay in Texas; nonetheless, I’m rather certain I’ll find someone in California that actually appreciates what I have to offer.

It’s sad when you’re rejected for physical attributes, though. I won’t go into detail about that, but I’m just disappointed right now. I’m not the skinniest person– I’m actually sort of fat. At least I admit to it, but I’m not like a disgusting fat. I’m just fat. I still look sort of cute, I think. That doesn’t give me an excuse to be overweight, but it sort of lessens the pain whenever I think about myself and how I look.

I just don’t understand how people can be so shallow. It’s funny, because I was actually called a player, yet I’m being played. This is so stupid. I can’t believe I’m interested in a slut.

You know what’s worse? The slut provides good conversation, and is fun to talk to. Who knows if anything could ever come from that. I’m not sure if anything ever could, seeing as they have been a huge whore before, and now.

Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Well, I’m hot and you’re not. You’re just a fat kid who is starved for attention because he can’t get any.” I’m sorry, but I’ve gotten plenty, and I never have a problem with getting some. I don’t just *want* some, though. I want to actually get to know someone… Why does it seem like the only problems I ever have are problems with the guys in my life? Maybe I should go straight. At least chicks aren’t cunts the way that these guys are to me.

It sucks because I still think there’s a chance that something may happen. I don’t want to just give up. I think it’s totally awesome that someone I’m interested in has so many other people interested in him as well…

It just disturbs me that all he wants from those guys is to just mess around. “Down for anything” is not in my vocabulary. Once I lose weight and move to California, I will not turn into a full-time student and full-time slut. I will not tell everyone I’m down for anything, or everything. I will not freely make out with everyone new I meet on MySpace, at school, or wherever. I want friendships. I want relationships. I want people to appreciate who I am inside, and once I lose weight, who I am on the outside, too. My self-esteem suffers because of the image of myself, and because of how guys treat me. It’s funny because that phrase is rather paradoxical: “Self-esteem” really doesn’t come from yourself, but rather (mostly) from those around you. Totally sucks. I’d love to generate more of my own self-esteem. I’m confident, but not about my physical appearance.

But it looks like personality can’t top that when you’re down for anything.

View the original blog post on MySpace, with comments.

I’ve been pretty satisfied lately. I’m making a lot of new friends, getting in touch with old ones (some who are sluts, but that was for the previous entry), and in general living a pretty good life. There are a few things I wish I could change about myself, and that’s feasible, but then there are things that I would like to change about how we treat each other, and I’m questioning if that is possible.

One of my friends– I’m not saying that sarcastically– told me what he thought would be a small lie–that he was going to get off the computer and rest, as he wasn’t feeling well. I just happened to be on MySpace all frikkin’ day long yesterday out of boredom, and noticed that he was still on, feeling rather well, replying to comments on his MySpace and completely ignoring what he had just told me.

This seems like a small thing. It actually is, and I’m not making a big deal out of it, but it makes me question how trustworthy people really are. If they can’t even tell me the truth about something this simple, how do I know they will tell me the truth when it comes to something truly important? That’s what I’m afraid of.

I consider this [person] to be a good friend of mine, though we only met recently. This doesn’t change the positive image I have about him, but it certainly does make me wonder about how exactly friends are supposed to treat each other.

If you read my profile (and I hope you do; it took forever and a day to make all those pretty graphics), you’ll see that I make a personal promise to everyone to not *lie* to anyone. I may deceive you on occasion, but that’s entirely different from lying. I believe in being honest with people, because wouldn’t you appreciate honesty from them?

Though this may sound like I just want everyone to be like me, I just feel like there are certain ethics we should follow when we around communicating with someone else. I think honesty should be one of them. Unfortunately, it seems like we live in an age where lying, deceit, and illusions all play into our daily lives.

I don’t know about you, but unless a depressed teen is starved for attention, they won’t admit to it. One of my exes from earlier this year would not answer the phone some weekends, and I wondered why. I thought he was upset with me. It turned out he was just crying in his room because life sucked. I’m grateful that he told me what was going on, and I let him know that I would be here for him whenever he needed someone to talk to. I appreciated his honesty.

Another one of my exes from this year actually admits to, and enjoys, being fake. One time, we were arguing on the phone, and he exclaimed, “I’m f**king fake and I f**king love it! Yeah, b*tch!” Though one of the shittiest people I’ve ever dated in my entire life, he did teach me a few things nonetheless about how fake people can be. This is unfortunate, because, I believe, in order to be fake, you have to lie about who you really are. That’s commonplace in our society now, though. If you’re anywhere near my age, you already know, and most likely do, what I’m talking about.

It just feels like I have to figure out what people are thinking now, because they aren’t willing to just tell me. I admire people who are honest, blunt, and direct. That would be the perfect guy for me, because they would let me know how they were feeling, and they would be deeply emotional with me as well (but that’s for another blog!)… but who said I didn’t want *friends* that I could share things with?

Hell, you have to make up some excuse like I’m your boss about how you can’t come into work today (and chat with me on AOL)?

But, as my friend Chris from California implies, I “trip” over little things. I’m not trippin’, yo. I’m just exhausted of all the B.S. that people shovel out to each other. Why can’t we believe that we can make a difference by BEING DIFFERENT? Is honesty that hard of an attribute to acquire and maintain now? Maybe I’m just being too honest.

View the original blog post on my MySpace blog, with comments.

They move around so quickly without ever getting a chance to know anyone… It’s disgusting. All my exes and guys I’ve dated are like that. It’s such a tragedy, because I really liked them, and cared about their personality, not about just getting some dick like they did. It’s really disappointing.

If you are offended by this post, then you are not the kind of gay guy I am talking about. I am grateful that there are still some like you out there.

To view all comments on this blog entry, go to the MySpace posting.

When class mixes with tastelessness, you get this. Alanis Morissette’s version of “My Humps”…. Enjoy.